Puzzles of the Heart--1A/1--April HBX Challenge

Puzzles of the Heart

AN: This story is in response to Cece’s April HBX challenge. It takes place immediately following the scenes from “Touchdown” in Season 9. As a reminder, at the end of that episode, Harm is walking along the carrier deck with a little girl in his arms. He had just successfully landed the C-130 on the carrier and lost his job with the CIA after his heroics were filmed by a news crew. I also loved the character of Sturgis during Seasons 7 & 8; I plan to resurrect his role as friend and confidante.

If everyone can stand another puzzle analogy, this month’s challenge sentences screamed ‘PUZZLE’ to me. Oh, and I want to thank CM for a great idea from a discussion on the HarmyBoard (think shoes) and psych9 for the use of a key phrase…you’ll see what I mean when you get there.

Disclaimer: I don’t own JAG or any of the characters. I just take them out and play with them on occasion before replacing them safe and sound back on the shelf.



Puzzles of the Heart (1A/1)

Friday
October 24, 2003
JAG Headquarters

Sturgis watched Mac out of the corner of his eye. She had tried to pretend that she wasn’t affected by Harm’s absence. When asked by Bud, she’d answered that, “she didn’t miss him.” But Sturgis couldn’t help but notice the corners of her mouth turn upwards in a barely suppressed smile at the picture of her sailor waltzing across the television screen. He knew her secret, even if she had tried to forget the words…tried to suppress the emotions…the feelings. He shook his head, ‘would those two ever get it right.’

Bud turned to Mac excited to share in the exploits of their missing hero, “Ma’am did you see him. Doesn’t he look great? Wow, is there anything he can’t do?” When he failed to receive more than an indulged sigh from his remaining mentor, he turned on her, “Don’t you miss him at all…do you even care what happens to him?” Bud startled at the sound of his own insolent voice and replied with shrinking demeanor, “I’m sorry, Ma’am…that was uncalled for.” Bud slunk toward his office, his enthusiastic persona crushed by the ongoing lack of camaraderie and compassion in his small JAG family.

Mac turned away and tried to hide her visceral response to Harm’s jovial conquering face and Bud’s cutting remarks. She had a momentary lapse in her emotional shield before military training took over and her stoic marine facade was firmly back in place. She hadn’t thought anyone noticed as her eyes darted around the bullpen before settling straight ahead. She quickly ducked into her office and closed the door. Maybe if she gave herself a few minutes of solitude, she could steel her tattered heart back in place…drive away the image of her beautiful gallant warrior from her vision to the recesses of her mind. She fell into her chair and reached for a tissue; finding the box empty, she rummaged through her top desk drawer in search of an errant cloth. Instead, she snagged her fingernail on a hard pointed surface. Withdrawing her hand, she placed her finger into her mouth, sucking away the sting. Reaching back into the drawer, she pulled out the offending object and then attempted unsuccessfully to blink back the tears in her eyes and the pain in her heart. Running her fingertips over the shiny cool surface, she could almost feel his presence in the room, hear his voice in her mind, inhale the scent that was him. How had it gone so wrong…how had she lost so much of herself in someone who she’d never truly called her own…and how would she ever survive without the other half of her soul. She’d fooled herself into believing that she didn’t need him, that she was unaffected by his refusal to stay in touch…but with one single fleeting image the concrete walls around her heart crumbled, leaving a huge gaping hole in the shape of him. She continued to stare at the image as his reflection became distorted and blurred by falling tears.

In her quick retreat, she’d missed the tall silent figure hiding in the shadows. Sturgis watched with discerning eye, taking in the troubled fragile shell, the tear glazed eyes and the clenched fist, rubbing in vain at the searing pain in her chest. She’d fooled others, ducked the questions, avoided the glares and innuendos, but he knew her secret…her heart’s deepest wish. He mused over the state of his JAG family’s condition; as with all families, it was going through a troubled time. The king was bristly and demanding; the heroed prince had fled to part unknown; the battered princess tried to cover, but was withdrawn and injured; even the faithful servant was beginning to crack under the weight. He pondered his own contributions to the destruction of the crumbling kingdom and decided it was about time for him to abandon his superior attitude and resume his prior role as friend, confidante and facilitator. He shook himself from his musing; clearly his folks had spent one too many nights reading him fairytales at bedtime. Nonetheless the principles remained the same, his family was in desperate need of an intervention of the meddling kind, and he was determined to set the path of the prince and the princess back on a collision course.

He approached Mac’s office door, and with a silent prayer for protection whisked to those on high, quickly rapped on the marine colonel’s door and entered without invitation. His plan was to catch her unawares, before she could slam shut the steel doors to her heart and close the windows to her soul. As strategically planned, she was unprepared for the stealthy intruder and was unable to hide her falling tears and pained expression. She tried to bury the picture frame in her hand under a nearby pile of charts as she bellowed, “Sturgis, don’t you know how to knock?”

He smiled at her bravado; he’d caught her caressing the picture with tender fingers and had little doubt as to the subject of the photo. He marveled at his good fortune, further evidence to unearth and present as proof of his theory…the love was not dead, but was merely shelved away in an act of desperate self-protection. He casually replied, “Mac, I did knock, but you seemed engrossed in thought a world away…I trust it was…” he raised a brow in question, “…someplace good?”
She ducked her head and swiveled her chair away from his prying gaze. Reaching up to wipe the moisture from her eyes, she cleared her throat to banish the emotion and tears in her voice. “What do you want, Sturgis? I thought we were finished with the case. You pled out, remember? Don’t tell me, you want to back out on the plea, Commander,” she eyed him suspiciously.

Sturgis returned a sympathetic look, “No Mac, I’m here as a friend…I just wanted to make sure you were OK.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” she bristled at his implication.

He smiled sadly, “Mac, I saw your expression when Harm appeared on the television screen….”

“Sturgis,” she warned.

“You can hide your true feelings from the others,” he approached her desk and lowered his voice, “but Mac, I know the emotions you have buried deep inside.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she answered, even as she slumped further into her chair. The caring in his voice was her undoing, “Sturgis, I don’t want to talk about this…please.” She quickly wiped away another tear. “Harm has moved on with his life, and left the rest of us to deal, with barely a backwards glance.”

He challenged, “Aren’t you the one who decided it was through…that it would NEVER work?”

Her eyes flamed, “Well, you’ve obviously heard his side of the story, so why are you here acting as though you care about me? You’re his friend…I’m just a colleague, and one that of late, you seem to despise.”

He remained steadfast and calm at her attempts to provoke, “Oh, but I do Mac…care that is. You’re both my friends; at least you used to be. I realize that my actions of late have been less than collegial, but I think it’s time I make amends. I know what it feels like to be out in the cold. Please, I’d like to help…if in no other way than to offer a sympathetic ear. Tell me what happened.”

She bowed her head at the offering and whispered, “Sturgis, I don’t know what went wrong. One minute I feared for my life, and the next we were through. What happened in between was a blur, it was like we were outside of our bodies…watching these two strangers fight and bicker and hurl insults. And then it was all over…I said NEVER and he was gone…I didn’t mean it like that…I didn’t want him to walk away and leave me behind.”

He kneeled before her, “Then why did you say it? What did you expect him to do?”

She looked away and answered in a haunting voice, “I don’t know. I watched Gunny be captured and I thought killed…Webb was tortured because of my marine insistence, ‘to leave no man behind’…I was strapped to a table, to await the same fate…and then…” her eyes widened in awe, “…he appeared, like a dream, my brave soldier. I was so relived to see him come through that door, but he didn’t even seem happy to see me…it was like I was an annoyance that he once again had to rescue. It went down hill from there. He thought I was with Webb, because I kissed him. I tried to explain that I wasn’t…I was just trying to comfort Clay, because I thought he was dying. I even stayed in the hotel room with Harm, but he didn’t believe me, and he didn’t want to talk about it…US. I finally told him; it wouldn’t work out between US, because we both wanted to be on top.” She looked into Sturgis’s eyes, “I don’t even know what that means…I don’t want to be on top…I want to be side-by-side, partners, friends…Butch and Sundance…like we’ve always been.”

“Do you still love him?”

She looked away, “What does love have to do with it…he walked away.”

Sturgis insisted, “ Diversion doesn’t constitute an answer, Counselor. Do you still love him?”

“Yes,” was returned in a small voice.

“Have you ever told him that you want more than friendship?”

She closed her eyes as tears tracked down her cheeks, “Yes…but he didn’t want me.”

Sturgis was dumbfounded at that response, “He told you NO?” She nodded her head. He looked on puzzled, “When did this happen?”

“Sturgis, please…I don’t want to rehash the specifics. It happened before you came here…to JAG. We were just finding our footing again, about the time you came.”

Sturgis shook his head, “But I don’t understand…when I first came, I asked him if he had a girl; he said ‘no…she has me.’ I’m sure he was talking about you.”

She released a derisive laugh, “He was with Renee back then.”

Sturgis shook his head, “No, he wasn’t…trust me. And I know he wasn’t involved with any other woman…but YOU.”

She sighed, “Sturgis, we’ve never been involv….”

Sturgis laughed, “Mac, you and Harm can both save it for someone who can’t see the obvious…you’ve been involved, in one way or another, with each other as long as I’ve been here…longer than that, if scuttlebutt is true. The fact that the two of you don’t want to admit to your relationship, doesn’t preclude the rest of us from seeing it.”

She looked down, “Well, it doesn’t matter anymore…every time I think I’ve put the pieces of my life together, someone comes along and jumbles them up. I’ve tried to call him…to check on him, let him know I miss him…but he doesn’t care. Seventeen times I’ve called; seventeen times I’ve left messages. He walked out of my life for good this time, and I feel like I’ve got a big hole where my heart used to be.”

He placed his hand on her arm, “Mac, what if I talk to him…tell him, you miss him.”

She shook her head, “It doesn’t matter…he’s walked away from me twice now. I don’t think I could survive a third…please, just let it go.”

Sturgis reached up and tugged at the photograph, pulling it from the files and into her line of sight. “Mac, can you tell me that you don’t want him back…that you can just stop loving him.”

She took the picture and threw it into her desk drawer, “I’ll never stop caring about him…but I have to move on, for my own sanity. I can’t live in a fantasy world anymore. Leave it alone Sturgis, I’m through,” and with that she locked the desk drawer. “Please, just let it be.”

He stood up, “But Mac….”

She shook her head, “No…now, if you don’t mind, I have work to do.”

He walked to the door and turned back to face her, “I’m here if you need a friendly ear, Mac.”

She smiled back with sad resignation, “Thanks…I really do need to get back to my case.”

He gave one final smile, and with a nod of his head, closed her office door. He sighed, how was he going to fix this one…it was so much more complicated this time. She’d finally given up on her sailor. He had his work cut out for him, if he was going to heal this rift. But his friends’ happiness, no, their very souls depended on his success. One was not complete without the other; although they denied their obvious relationship, their use of possessive pronouns didn’t go unnoticed by him…her sailor…his marine…her brave soldier…his partner. He couldn’t believe that Harm would flat out refuse a chance at love with his marine. Surely that episode was yet another misunderstanding…an error in the translation of Harm-speak to Mac-hear. Well, his next stop would obviously be one stubborn and recalcitrant CIA agent/ex-Navy pilot and lawyer. He headed to his office to begin the task of tracking down his incommunicado friend.

***

Wednesday
October 29, 2003
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station

Sturgis stood outside his friend’s apartment preparing his game plan for the night. It had taken him 3 days to track Harm down, and another 2 days to schedule a night of friendly basketball competition. He figured if he could distract Harm with physical exercise; he might have a chance to catch him off guard. Those off-the-cuff answers were more likely to reflect the true state of his emotions than the introspective ramblings of a lawyer on guard.

He rapped twice on the door and waited for it to open. Harm appeared a few seconds later with a gym bag in hand and 2 bottles of water. “Ready to get beat,” came Harm’s spirited reply.

Sturgis raised a brow, “By who…surely you don’t mean you.” He smiled at his friend, “Good to see you, Buddy. It’s been a while…you should try and stay in touch; everyone’s been asking about you.”

Harm shrugged his shoulders, “Didn’t know anyone would care.”

Sturgis threw him an irritated glare, “Come on man…you know everybody cares. Bud’s been beside himself with worry. We all saw you on television, the great Harmon Rabb does the impossible once again.”

Harm sighed, “Yeah, tell it to the company…they canned me for that little exploit. Not the actual landing, but the getting my face on the news…like it was my fault. Guess I’ll be pounding the pavement looking for work again.”

Sturgis saw a slight opening, “Maybe you could talk to the Admiral about coming back to JAG.”

Harm laughed, “Yeah, like that’s going to happen. Besides, there are people there that I’d just as soon not see again.”

Sturgis raised a brow, “Anyone specific…like say a certain marine colonel?”

Harm pursed his lips and exhaled, “I don’t want to talk about her, Sturgis. Let’s go play some b-ball; I feel like wiping the floor with you.”

They headed to the gym and Harm began giving Sturgis a hard time even before they could finish the warm-up. Sturgis remained quiet and circumspect, answering only when necessary. Harm easily won the first few points as planned by his opponent. Once Harm’s mind was firmly planted in the game, Sturgis began to execute his carefully constructed battle plan.

“So Harm, have you heard from Mac?”

Harm missed an easy 2-point lay-up. “I thought I said, I didn’t want to talk about her.” He threw the ball back to his friend with more intensity than was necessary.

Sturgis made an easy basket against his distracted buddy. “I just can’t figure out what went wrong down there. I mean you’re both miserable, but neither one of you wants to admit it or make amends…right? Mac hasn’t called to apologize or check in?”

“She might have left a couple of messages, but I’ve been busy. I really haven’t talked to anyone from JAG but you.” Harm missed another basket and released a frustrated sigh.

Sturgis easily outmaneuvered his opponent and made a lay-up. “So your old friends don’t matter to you. Now that you’re with the company, you cut all ties with the old guard. I would have thought you would have at least stayed in contact with your best friend.”

Harm missed another shot as his sense of ire increased, “I did…I’m playing ball with you aren’t I?”

Sturgis shook his head, “Yeah, but I’m not your best friend…Mac is, your refusal to talk to her is more like a…lover scorned than a busy friend.”

Harm tried to block the next shot, but failed miserably. “Look Sturgis, I’m warning you…let it go.”

Sturgis passed off the ball and responded with a raised brow, “What’s the big deal? It’s not like the two of you have ever been involved, right…at least, that’s want you and Mac keep telling me.”

Harm glared back, “I threw my career away to go down there and rescue her. She didn’t even care…I saved her from certain death, for Webb of all people. All I got out of the deal was a dent in my savings account and a lecture from the Admiral about not being a team player and wrestling alligators.”

Sturgis frowned, “You say, you rescued her from certain death…would you have rather stayed home, kept your job and attended her funeral?”

Harm looked back aghast, “OF COURSE NOT…I’d do it again in a heartbeat to make sure she was safe…job or no job.”

Sturgis hid a satisfied smile, “So what’s the problem, you accomplished your objective. She’s home safe and sound.”

Harm grumbled to himself in a low voice, “Yeah, with Webb.”

Sturgis turned toward him, “What was that?”

Harm shrugged, “Nothing, I didn’t say anything. Now, are we going to play ball or what?”

Sturgis threw the ball at his friend, “Sure, your shot. I just have one question? If you went down there to play the conquering hero and come home with the girl; how come you’re not with her?”

Harm missed another shot, “That’s the $54,000 question. How come I lay it on the line and the jerk that put her life in jeopardy, ends up winning her heart?”

Sturgis pulled back the ball and flashed a smug smile, “So, you did go down there to rescue the fair damsel and win her heart. I thought you and Mac weren’t involved like that?”

Harm growled, “Are you going to shoot? And Mac and I aren’t involved like that…never have been…and now it looks like we never will be. She told me NEVER, remember?”

Sturgis sunk a long 3-pointer and tossed the ball back across court, “Tell me again how that happened? You say you rescued her from certain death, right?”

“She was strapped to a table and about to be tortured. I had to kill several terrorists just to get to her. I broke into that shed and shot the guy who was about to light her up with battery cables,” Harm answered matter-of-factly.

Sturgis’s eyes grew wide, “So, you release her, pull her into your arms, tell her you love her…and she just walks away. What a….”

Harm yelled, “Hey, watch what you call her…and no, I didn’t take her into my arms or tell her I love her.”

Sturgis looked away and smiled triumphantly; he had him on the ropes. “Well, what did you do? I mean you told her…you were glad she was alive…you cared about her…something, right?”

Harm sighed, “Look, we were still in danger; Webb needed urgent medical care; Mac and I had to figure out how to neutralize the Stinger missiles. I didn’t have time for any of that other….”

“Emotions…reassurances…relief…love. Good grief, Mac must have thought you were just there on another mission. I bet you didn’t even tell her, you’d resigned your commission.” Harm looked away. “You didn’t…how the heck was she supposed to know? I’ll bet you even started bickering and fighting, business as usual.”

“Hey, she gave as good as she got.”

Sturgis shook his head in disbelieve, “I’m sure she did…let’s look at it from her perspective.” He began to count off on his fingers, “She’s captured…she sees and hears Webb being tortured…she’s about to meet certain death herself…and when the man, she cares about most, comes to her rescue, he acts annoyed and angry. Gee, I don’t know why she said it would never work out between the two of you?”

“Hey, I went down there didn’t I? I risked my life and lost my job?”

Sturgis paced determinedly toward Harm, “Tell me this…before she said NEVER, did she ask you why you did it? Did she try to work things out between the two of you?”

Harm diverted his eyes, “Yeah…and I told her, I thought ‘she knew why’ I did it…and I ‘tabled further discussion’ at the time, because I thought we needed to cool off…to have level heads, before things got too deep.”
Sturgis poked his finger into his friend’s chest, “Answer this one question, do you love her?” Harm looked down to floor, before giving the barest of a nod yes. Sturgis shook his head, “Then why didn’t you tell her that…forget telling her, why didn’t you take her in your arms…heck, kiss her, anything?”

Harm grabbed the basketball and headed for the door, never glancing back toward his friend. Sturgis grabbed the rest of their gear and followed a few steps behind. He reasoned with himself all the way to the car. At least, he’d gotten Harm to admit he loved her, maybe with a little more meddling, he could get the prince to also admit it to his lady fair.

The car ride home was a quiet affair. Sturgis followed Harm back inside, under the guise of needing something to drink. As they walked into the apartment, Harm headed back to the bedroom to shower and change. He needed time to steel his heart and gain perspective, before Sturgis confronted him again. Surely Mac knew he loved her, right? His actions should have told her that, right? He was more confused than ever.

Ten minutes later, Harm ambled down the stairs and grabbed 2 bottles of water from the fridge. He tossed one to Sturgis, before taking a long gulp from his own. He pegged Sturgis with a glare, “She should have known, Sturgis. I wouldn’t have risked everything for just anyone.”

Sturgis pondered his answer, “OK, I’ll give you that, but answer me this? When Bud was injured, you risked your career to stay behind with him…did you love him too?”

Harm released a short derisive laugh, “Yeah like a brother…like a colleague, but not like Mac.”

Sturgis nodded, “Yeah, but how was Mac supposed to know it was different this time? Did you tell her?”

“No, but…” he sighed, “…she just should have known.”

Sturgis took a drink and then leveled his gaze, “OK, has Mac ever put her life on the line for you…gone halfway around the world for you?”

Harm paced nervously across the room, “Yeah, she followed me to Russia.”

Sturgis puzzled his brow, “When did this happen?”

Harm looked back toward his friend, “Which time?”

Sturgis’s brows hit his hairline, “She did it more than once?”

Harm plopped down in a nearby chair and prepared for a long chat, “The first time was…about 2 years after we met…I was going to Russia to track down my Dad, and she followed to keep me out of trouble,” he rolled his eyes. “It was quite the adventure. I discovered my Dad had been transferred to Russia by the KGB and Vietnamese. We crashed a MIG, pretended to be gypsies, traveled to a rural countryside…all to discover, my Dad had been killed years before.”

Sturgis whistled, “Wow…when was the second time?”

Harm leaned his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes, “When she was engaged to Bugme, I’d gone to Russia to assist with revisions to their military justice protocols. I was assigned to work with a Russian military lawyer, and the two of us discovered the corruption of a high-ranking official in their military. I also found my brother, Sergei. Problems arose, when Sergei was accused of the corruption as a diversionary tactic, and we happened upon an assassination plot against the Russian President.”

Sturgis’s eyes widened in disbelieve, “And what was Mac’s role in all of this?”

“She discovered links to the assassination plot and traveled across a war torn countryside to prevent the assassination and to help rescue me.”

Sturgis shook his head, “I’m sure her fiancé loved the idea of her riding to your rescue.” Harm shrugged his shoulders. “When I first got here, you said something about her visions saving your life…when did that happen?”

Harm drew in a deep breath, “The night of her rehearsal dinner. I was flying back for the wedding ceremony and hit bad weather. I went down at sea…the SAR team couldn’t locate me in the swells. She had a vision and pinpointed my exact location on a map. They found me where she said I’d be.”

Sturgis stared in amazement, “And you two think you’re not connected? What happened to this fiancé? I don’t remember you or her mentioning a husband.”

Harm sighed, “He called off the wedding and went back to Australia. He couldn’t get passed this…” he shrugged his shoulders again, “…thing between Mac and me.”

Sturgis’s mouth hung agape, “Let me get this straight…she’s risked her life not once, but twice for you…risked her future happiness and marriage for you…and you don’t think she’s in love with you?”

“She was doing it for her partner…her best friend.”

Sturgis threw his hands in the air, “You mean like you risking your life and job in Paraguay? How can the two of you be so blind and clueless when it comes to your feelings for each other?” He stood up and began to pace, “Have either of you ever tried to make it work…ever tried to move your relationship forward?” Harm stared at his shoes. “Harm???”

“She suggested it once, but I wasn’t ready.” Sturgis stared at him to continue. “I had just come back from flying…”
Sturgis muttered, “Ah, the other time you left.”

Harm whipped his head up, “What was that?”

Sturgis shook his head, “Nothing…continue.”

“Bud and I were in Australia working a murder case. Mac came over later to escort the body. She and I were having dinner together…and she approached the subject of US.”

Sturgis extended his hands, “And?”

Harm sighed, “I told her ‘not yet’.”

“You turned her down?”

Harm shot to his feet, “NO…I told I couldn’t let go…’YET’. She said ‘I was only that way with her’…and I answered, ‘yes, only with her’. Look, I’d just come back to JAG. I was still trying to find my footing with the Admiral…and with her. I wasn’t ready to move things beyond friendship right then, but she couldn’t even give me a little time…she moved on with Bugme. She knew we had a deal!”

Sturgis rubbed his eyes, “Did you tell her why you couldn’t let go? Give her any indication of a time frame? And what does ‘only with her’ mean…were you dating anyone else?” His voice grew louder with each question, “And what deal?”

Harm yelled back, “She should have known…we had a deal to have a baby together in 5 years.”

Sturgis fell onto the couch, “What???”

“Before I went back to flying, she was upset that everyone was leaving her. We made a deal to have a baby together, in 5 years, if neither of us were in a relationship by that time.”

Sturgis answered with exasperation, “You had a back-up plan.”

Harm defended, “No…I wanted it all…marriage, kids, a home…I just needed more time!”

“You explained that to her…the whole plan…that you loved her, wanted to marry her, have a family with her?”

Harm looked down and responded with a barely audible voice, “No, but she should have known that was what I meant.”

Sturgis stood up and walked to the refrigerator. He withdrew a bottle of water and turned to his friend, “Do you want anything?” Harm shook his head. Sturgis began to pace once again, “Let me see if I can recap. Mac has put her life and happiness on the line for you on more than one occasion. She accepted a back-up plan when she thought that was all you could offer. She approached you to move your relationship forward…you answered ‘not yet’, which she interpreted as ‘NO, you didn’t want HER’. You told her, you were only that way with her, as you continued to date someone else. She gets captured and nearly killed in Paraguay…the man that she loves comes to rescue her, but acts annoyed and angry…refuses to tell her why he came or discuss their relationship. And once you both return to the States alive and ‘well’, you disappear from her life without a backwards glance.” He stopped directly in front of Harm, “And you wonder why she told you it would ‘NEVER’ work?”

Harm countered, “Why would she think I didn’t want her? I never said that…and she’s never said that she loved me.”

Sturgis rubbed his temple to relieve the pounding in his head. “Harm, she told me you turned her down…that you didn’t want her. And for your information, she told me that she was in love with you 2 years ago. I asked her point blank, whether she still loved you, 5 days ago…” he looked directly into Harm’s eyes, “…she said YES, but that she’d given up any hope of her fantasy coming true.”

Harm stammered, “I…she…we…what? She told you, she was in love with me 2 years ago? And you didn’t tell me? Damn, we wasted so much time.”

Sturgis demanded, “Well, I guess the only questions remaining to be answered are: Do you still love her? Do you still want her? And what are you going to do about it?”

Harm fired back, “Why do I have to make the first move?”

Sturgis looked back incensed, “The first move? I thought you told me she’d called you…” he walked to the desk in 3 long determined strides, “…what was it, 25…30 times?”

Harm huffed back, “Seventeen…” his voice deflated, “…it was seventeen times.”

Sturgis pointed to the phone on the desk, “No new messages, but I see 17 old messages that you’ve already checked. Dare I ask who they’re from?”

Harm shook his head, “I don’t know…they could be from anyone, I don’t always delete them when I check-in.”

Sturgis nodded his head, “I see…then you won’t mind if I delete them.” His finger hovered over the machine for a heartbeat just before he depressed the button.

Harm jumped from his chair and screamed, “NO!”

Sturgis watched his friend fall back into the chair defeated. He didn’t think he’d ever seen Harm so lost and sad. At that moment Mac’s worried voice filled the room, as the 17th message began to replay.

“Harm, it’s Mac. It appears you don’t want to talk to me, but I’m worried about you. No one’s heard from you in so long. I know you’re working for the company. Please, just let me know that you’re alive and fine. You don’t even have to talk to me if you don’t want to. You can leave a message…I promise not to pick-up, if that’s want you want.” Her voice softened and became edged with tears, “At least call Bud…please, I just need to know. I’ll stop bothering you now, clearly you don’t want me to be a part of your life anymore.” With faintest of a whisper the message ended with, “I miss you…have a good life.”

Sturgis looked at his dejected friend, “Do I need to play the rest of the 17 messages or can I assume they’re all from her? How can you pretend that you don’t care…that you don’t miss her? I’m willing to bet that you sit in this dark room and replay those 17 messages just to hear her voice.”

Harm waved a hand and his voice broke as he replied, “Stur…gis don’t.”

Sturgis noticed a framed picture on the desk and picked it up to study the photo, “You know, Mac has a picture just like this.”

Harm nodded and responded quietly, “I know I gave it to her for Christmas last year. It was taken when we were in Afghanistan…Butch and Sundance…Batman and Robin.”

Sturgis carried the picture over to his friend and rubbed his finger over the frame. “This frame is amazing…where did you find it?”

Harm gave a slight smile, “It was her Christmas present to me.”

Sturgis raised a brow, “The Gift of the Magi?”

Harm looked back puzzled, “What?”

Sturgis shook is head in disbelief, “And you two say you’re not connected at the heart.” He handed the picture to Harm, “The Gift of the Magi. You know…she cuts her hair to buy him a fob for his most prized possession…his watch. He sells his watch to buy her combs for her most beautiful feature…her hair. They finally both realize that they already have their most prized possession…each other.” He watched Harm run a finger over the surface of the picture. “I’m going to repeat my earlier questions. Do you still love her? Do you still want her? And what are you going to do about it?”

Harm looked up lost in emotion, “Sturgis, I don’t know what to do.”

Sturgis sat down beside his friend and pointed to the image, “Look Buddy, if you want this then you’re going to have to make a move. You’re in the eleventh hour…hell, you’re at eleven hours, 59 minutes and 59 seconds…and time has almost run out.” He pointed to the phone across the room, “She made the last attempt…it’s your turn now.” He looked into Harm’s eyes with dead seriousness, “No more messing around, you need to move ahead with every inch of resolve that you can muster…there’s no halfway this time. Harm, Mac the marine colonel is moving on…she’s falling back on her military training and resolve. I’ve no doubt, she’ll survive.” He lowered his voice, “But Sarah, the woman, is holding on by a thread. She is so fragile right now that if you blew hard, you would shatter her into a million pieces and scatter her to the wind. If you can’t go all the way…I’m talking love, commitment, family then you need to stay away…forever. She won’t survive if you walk away a third time.”

Harm looked up puzzled, “What do you mean three times?”

Sturgis counted off on his fingers, “You left her to go flying…you left her after Paraguay…don’t make it a third. She said something to the effect that ‘every time she puts the pieces of her life together, someone comes along and jumbles them up’…and since you walked away, ‘she has a big hole where her heart used to be.’ She said she wouldn’t survive a third time, hence her statement that she’s given up on her dreams.”

Harm nodded his head, “I’ll think about it.”

Sturgis smiled in an attempt to pacify, “Harm, I’m not saying this is all your fault or her fault. You’ve both argued, misunderstood, ducked, and walked away, …don’t you think it’s time, you both tried to walk together…in the same direction…toward the same goal?” He stood up, “The Gift of the Magi, Harm. You’ve both given each other your time, your devotion, your lives…but those aren’t your most prized possessions.” He touched a finger to Harma99 ’s chest over his heart, “That’s your most prized possession. Don’t you think it’s time to entrust each other with your hearts?” He shook his head, “The funny thing is…I think you gave each other your hearts way back in the beginning…maybe even in that first moment. All you need to do is acknowledge and accept that gift.”

Sturgis crossed the room and grabbed his jacket, “Look, it’s late. I gotta run Buddy, but if you need anything, I’m here for you…both of you.” He opened the door to leave, but looked back one last time. Harm sat in the evening shadows, running a fingertip in a delicate caress over his marine. Sturgis smiled, just maybe the prince would find his way back to the kingdom and his lady fair. Sometimes those fairytales really did come true.

***
Puzzles of the Heart (1B/1)

Friday
October 31, 2003
JAG Headquarters

Sturgis yawned as he walked into the bullpen. It was only 06:00, but he knew he needed to arrive early, if he was going to beat Mac. It had taken Harm less than 24 hours to decide that he wasn’t giving up on his Sarah. The two had come up with a game plan that Sturgis was about to set in motion. He walked quickly toward Mac’s office and bent down by the door. Looking both directions to assure that all coasts were clear, he tossed three small objects under her door. Standing up with a satisfied smile, he headed toward the breakroom in search of a strong cup of coffee. Operation ‘Puzzles of the Heart’ was now underway.

Mac arrived an hour later, and shifted her briefcase, to unlock her door. Walking in and flicking the light switch, she stepped on something just inside the door. She bent down to retrieve 3 small puzzle pieces. Turning them over, she studied their surface. They appeared to be from a puzzle with a landscape design. She shrugged her shoulders as she tossed them on her desk. Dropping her briefcase to the floor, she went in search of a cup of coffee and to retrieve any case files that came in overnight. Returning to her office, she sat down at the desk and sifted through the files. Out of the corner of her eye, she again noticed the puzzle pieces. Picking one up, she slowly turned it around, studying the pictorial details. She had no idea where it had come from, but then smiled, perhaps Little AJ had been in the office yesterday. She’d have to talk to Bud about keeping her godson corralled when he came for visits. Giving it little more thought, she tossed the piece aside and began her daily work.

The morning progressed rapidly, she’d been presenting a difficult case in court and they’d just recessed for lunch. She walked quickly to her office to retrieve her purse, before heading out to lunch. As she opened her file cabinet, her eyes were drawn to her desk. There were 4 puzzle pieces sitting squarely in the middle of the desk on a file folder. She walked around the piece of furniture and sat in her chair. She pushed the pieces around the surface of the folder. They looked different from the earlier design. One clearly showed just the hint of a scrap of fabric, tan in color…an article of clothing…a tent…a chair…who knew? She tossed the piece aside to study the other 3 pieces. They were similar to the earlier pieces; all represented a landscape…rustic, dry…little vegetation. She retrieved the original pieces and fit them all together. Something about the design seemed vaguely familiar, but she couldn’t quite place the scene. She glanced at her watch and grabbed her purse. She needed to get moving if she was going to eat before court resumed.

When she returned to her office 30 minutes later, 3 more puzzle pieces were waiting on her chair. She retrieved them with a frustrated sigh. Clearly, they didn’t belong to Little AJ; someone was sending her a message. She manipulated the pieces into place and stood back. These only finished out the right outer edge of the design and added no clues as to the source of the mystery. She shook her head at the absurdity of the situation and grabbed her files to head back to court.

It was 16:00 by the time court recessed for the day. She was tired and melancholy. It had been a long week…still no word from her sailor. Not that she expected him to call her, but she thought Bud or Sturgis might have heard something after his heroic deed on the carrier. She didn’t know why she continued to worry and care; he didn’t want her…he’d walked away. She ran her fingers through her hair, only 60 more minutes and she could escape for the weekend. She already had her evening planned out in her mind, stop for takeout, a long hot bath by candlelight, and a good cry over a sad movie. Maybe if someone else’s love life was worse than hers, she could move forward just a little, even if it was only an inch at a time.

Walking through her office door, she started to toss the files onto her desk when she stopped abruptly. There were 4 more pieces to the puzzle sitting on her desk. She sighed and walked around to sit in her chair. She manipulated the new clues as the picture began to come into focus. Although there were pieces still missing, it was obvious that the puzzle had been made from the Afghanistan picture of she and Harm. The pieces only made up the right half of the portrait that involved her. She closed her eyes to will back the tears that appeared instantly. Blinking in rapid succession, she opened her eyes just as Sturgis walked past her door. She yelled out, “Sturgis, can I talk to you for a minute?”

He doubled back and entered her office, “Hey Mac, what do you need?”

She threw him an angry glare, “You know, when I shared my feelings with you last week, I thought you’d respect them. I didn’t expect you to pull something so childish and mean.”

He looked back unsure, “What are you talking about, Mac?” She pointed to the partially constructed puzzle on her desk. He shrugged, “You’ve got a puzzle. I don’t understand what that has to do with me?”

“It’s the picture…the one that you pointed out. How did you get a puzzle made from it? Did you take it from my office? I don’t understand…I trusted you.”

He shook his head, “Mac, I didn’t take your picture. You locked it in your drawer, remember?” He pointed toward her top desk drawer.

She pulled on the knob and indeed found the drawer locked. She glared back, before retrieving her keys to unlock the drawer. Reaching inside, she pulled out the troubling frame with picture intact. She looked up with sad countenance and apologized, “I’m sorry, Sturgis…I just thought.” She shrugged, “I’m sorry…it’s been a long week. I guess I’m ready for a quiet night at home.”

He smiled back with sympathy, “Hey, it OK…don’t worry about it. I hope things get better.” With that he turned away with a wave. Mac didn’t notice his satisfied expression. She’d broken one of the cardinal rules of the law, ‘Never ask a question that you don’t already know the answer to.’ She only needed to check her desk drawer and then proceed with further questioning. He hadn’t taken HER picture; Harm had supplied the pieces of the puzzle. He was just the delivery boy.

By 17:00, Mac was packing up for the night. She paused to study the puzzle once again. Where had it come from? And what did it mean? Jennifer Coates breezed through the door with a request. Mac quickly covered the puzzle with a folder, sandwiching it between two files. She quickly dispensed with Coates’ needed paperwork and packed her briefcase for the night. Flicking off the light and closing the door, she headed for home.




FridayOctober 31, 2003
Mac’s Apartment
Georgetown

Mac released a heavy sigh as she came through the door. She had her briefcase balanced in one hand and dinner in the other. She barely made it to the dining room table, before dropping everything in a heap. She walked back towards the front door to retrieve her keys and close the door, when she noticed the envelope on the floor. She bent down and picked up the cream colored heavy paper. It was thick like a greeting card. As she turned it over, the simple writing on the front said only ‘Sarah’.

She walked over to the couch and dropped into its welcoming depths. She rotated the envelope in her hands. There was no return address, no outward markings of any kind, save for her name. ‘Sarah.’ So few people called her by her given name. There was Webb, but why would he leave a card. They were nothing more than friends, despite what others thought. She ran her nail under the flap to release the seal. She could detect just the faintest hint of a spicy fragrance. Memories flitted through her mind, but she quickly pushed them aside…it was impossible. Pulling out the card, she was immediately awed by the beautiful design. It appeared handmade, with intricate flowers and calligraphy. The words at the top, in flowing script, said, ‘My Day’s Are Not Complete.’ She ran her fingers over the delicate flowers; the paper had been handmade as well. She opened the card to find the words, ‘Without Thoughts of You.’ There was no signature, nothing to indicate who had left the greeting. She picked up the envelope and turned it over. Several puzzle pieces dropped from its depths.

She closed her eyes steeling her resolve, before laying the pieces out on the coffee table. They were obviously from the same picture as the others. She shook her head, if only she’d remembered to bring them home, maybe she could have solved the mystery. Who was leaving them? What did they mean? She paused in her activity to remember something; Jennifer Coates had distracted her at the end of the day. She’d covered the puzzle between two files…files that she’d later packed into her briefcase. She rushed to the dining room table and rifled through the case. Pulling out the files, she found the buried pieces. Shoving the briefcase and dinner aside, she took the pieces back to complete the puzzle design. Interlinking each piece, she constructed a picture that was composed of her half of the photograph…there was no image of Harm. She blinked back tears, was this someone’s idea of a cruel joke. She knew he’d walked out of her life, leaving her behind. Did someone think that she needed a pictorial reminder of her loss?

She ran her fingers over the smooth surface of the puzzle, stopping at her left shoulder. His hand was there, holding her to him…caressing her. She couldn’t stop the tears at the utter sense of loneliness and loss. It was as though someone had ripped out her heart. In that instant, she noticed the single missing piece. Her half of the picture puzzle was complete sans her upper left chest…over her heart. She cried out at the devastating sense of ache in her chest. The imagery was almost more than she could bear, a puzzle missing Harm and her heart. They were one and the same, forever linked, forever missing.

She began to shake violently. She curled onto her side on the floor. She was so cold. It was late October, and while the temperature outside had dropped, the heat in her apartment was warm. Yet she was still so cold…she couldn’t stop shivering. She closed her eyes, as the tears continued to fall. She was now sure that you could die from a broken heart…or in her case, a missing heart. In the distance she heard knocking, but she couldn’t seem to respond.

Harm paced the hall outside her apartment. He’d seen her come home. He knew she was there, why didn’t she answer? He pounded louder, attracting attention from one of the neighbors. He smiled back and apologized for the racket. The neighbor ducked back inside. Harm knocked again, “Mac…Sarah, are you OK.” No response, he tried the knob and the door gave way easily. Entering cautiously, he saw her curled up on the floor, shivering. He rushed to her side and knelt down, touching her cheek. “Sarah…Sarah, are you OK?” Her skin was so cold. He quickly started a fire and retrieved blankets from her bed. Wrapping her tightly, he took her into his arms and gently rocked to and fro.

She smiled in her dreams. He had come for her. He was calling her name and holding her. If she didn’t wake up, maybe he would stay…forever.

He began to worry when he was unable to rouse her. She was beginning to calm and the violent shivering was lessening. He stroked her cheek and continued to talk. “Sarah sweetheart, you need to wake-up. I came to talk to you. You’re scaring me a little…what’s going on here?”

She snuggled into his warmth. He was calling her name and trying to get her to wake-up, but if she did, he might leave again. She whispered back, “No, I don’t want to wake-up. If I stay asleep in my dreams, you’ll be here with me. If I wake, you’ll leave again. I won’t survive if you leave, again.”

He furrowed his brow, “But Sarah, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. I promise, if you wake-up, I’ll still be here with you.”

She shook her head, “No, like the puzzle…you’ll leave with my heart.”

He grimaced, how could he have been so dumb. Sturgis had said that Mac the marine was strong, but his Sarah was in a fragile state. She’d even told Sturgis, if he left again, she wouldn’t survive. Here he had given her the proof for a third time…he was gone with her heart.

He wasn’t sure what to do next. Pondering a moment, it came to him…Mac, he needed to appeal to his strong marine, not his fragile Sarah. Sarah would have to wait. He pulled back releasing her from his arms and leaning her back against the sofa.

She whimpered in her sleep, “Don’t leave…please, don’t leave.”

He replied, “I’m not going anywhere…I’m right here with you, Mac. Come on marine, wake-up and talk to me.” He released her hand, pulling completely away. A tear slid down her cheek. “Come on, Mac…I need to talk to you.”
She opened her eyes and looked around. Finding him sitting next to her, she pulled away. “Harm, what are you doing here?”

He smiled, “I came to talk to you.”

She looked around the room again, before noticing the puzzle. How would she explain half a puzzle to him. She shook her head, now he would think that she’d cut him from her life just as assuredly as she had cut him from the picture. She reached for the puzzle to push it away from sight. He followed her hand. She smiled sadly, “I can explain about the puzzle. I, ah…someone sent it to me. I didn’t cut up the picture.” She looked away embarrassed.

He reached out to take her hand, “I know, I sent it to you. I….”

She looked back enraged, “What? Is this some kind of joke? It wasn’t bad enough to cut me out of your life, refuse to take my calls, return my messages…you had to cut me from your pictures? I get it, a clean break.” The tears were flowing once again.

He tried to intercede, “No, it’s not like that. I was trying to show you…” he reached under his jacket to withdraw a folder. He opened the file and slid out the other half of the puzzle. Her eyes widened as she took in the image. He reached out and interlocked the two halves together. Turning back to her, he explained, “Neither one of us is complete without the other.” He touched the empty spaces over both their hearts, “We’re both missing our hearts, Mac.”

He withdrew several more puzzle pieces from the file. He placed 2 identical pieces on the table; they matched their uniforms perfectly. He pointed, “Now these would appear to be the perfect fit, but I’m not so sure they’re right.”

He laid down 2 more, they were solid black in color, “Mac, please tell me that these aren’t right either. I hope that our hearts aren’t a big empty hole.” He reached out to dry the tear that slide down her cheek. She closed her eyes at the contact.

He reached out to squeeze her hand and regain her attention. The next 2 pieces were different in their images. The first revealed the marine symbol of an eagle, globe and anchor, the second a pair of gold wings. He turned to her, “Maybe this is your heart’s true desire, but it isn’t mine anymore.” She met his eyes for a brief instant before looking back to the folder awaiting the next pieces.

He withdrew 2 final pieces. The first a picture of her face, the second a picture of his. Laying them on table, he pushed them toward the puzzle. Turning toward her, he took her hand in his, “Pick your heart’s deepest desire, Mac. The one that completes you.” She looked up in a panic; surely he didn’t expect her to declare her intentions alone…not again. He smiled in understanding and squeezed her hand. “We’ll do it together, on the count of three. One…two…three.” They each placed the final piece over their heart. Looking at the other’s choice, they each looked up with an expression of pure rapture and whispered simultaneously, “I love you.”
He leaned forward to place a kiss on her lips and whispered, “I love you and I want you, both of you. I want Mac, my brave marine colonel and partner…and Sarah, my tender and emotional love. One’s not complete without the other, and I never want you to think that you have to hide one of them from me.” She leaned into his embrace as tears continued to fall. He held her for several long minutes, until she began to calm.

Pushing her back from his arms, he looked into her eyes and released a nervous sigh. “Mac, the puzzle isn’t complete yet.” She glanced back to the table then returned a questioning gaze. He smiled and reached into his pocket; withdrawing his fist, he placed it over her image of the picture. He opened his hand and pushed his index finger over her heart. He looked back into her eyes and whispered, “It comes with a lifetime guarantee.” He withdrew his finger to reveal a beautiful diamond solitaire engagement ring. Taking her hand in his, he asked, “Sarah, this is for eternity…will you marry me?”

She stared at him in shock. With the events of the last 6 months, she’d never dared to imagine much less hope for a marriage proposal. When she didn’t answer, he grew increasingly nervous, “Mac, did you hear me? I asked you to marry me?”

She flung herself into his arms, knocking them both backwards onto the floor. She giggled as she shrieked, “Yes…yes, I’ll marry you.” He pulled her down to him in a long soulful kiss that spoke of wasted time and missed opportunities. It was wonderful and healing in its intensity and emotion.

When she finally pulled back, she laughed at his dazed expression. He blinked his eyes to regain focus and sighed in relief. “You scared me there for a minute, marine. I wasn’t sure you were going to say yes.”

She smiled in response, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you. You kinda caught me by surprise. Besides, you deserved it after all the turmoil you put me through the last 6 months.” Her smile remained but dimmed in intensity as the truth of her words became obvious.

He reached up to push a lock of hair behind her ear, “I’m sorry, Sarah. I didn’t think you wanted me anymore and I couldn’t live with just being friends. I wanted so much more.”

“Me too,” was whispered as she leaned down for another kiss.

A knock at the door interrupted their romantic endeavors. She pulled back and tried to pull away from his embrace, but he reigned her back in. She looked down puzzled, “Harm, someone’s at the door.”

He smiled, “I don’t care. I’m not letting you out of my arms any time soon. You’re stuck with me for the foreseeable future, marine.”

She smiled against his lips, “That’s OK with me.”

They were again interrupted by a knock, followed by the voice of Sturgis Turner, “Come on guys…I know you’re in there, both of your cars are downstairs.” Receiving no response, he sighed and tried again, “Is this the thanks I get for being your noisy, interfering, meddling yenta?”

The couple on the floor laughed, before Harm yelled back. “It’s open, Sturgis. Come on in.”

Sturgis walked in to find his two friends lying on the floor. Mac was prone on Harm’s chest and he gave no indication of releasing his marine from that position, any time soon. They both looked up with exhilarating smiles and replied together, “Hey Sturgis, what do you want?”

He rolled his eyes, “Do the two of you plan to get up and properly greet your guest.”

They smiled back slyly and replied, “Nope.”

Sturgis laughed, “I take it all went according to plan? Mac doesn’t have you pinned in a marine death-hold or anything?”

Harm shook his head with a smile, “Nope, I’m here of my own volition and we don’t plan to move from this spot in the next few hours.” He leaned up to give her a passionate kiss.

Sturgis rolled his eyes and cleared his throat, “Oh please, I think I liked it better when you two were fighting. Can you come up for air a minute?” The couple split apart but didn’t move from their spot on the floor. Sturgis smiled back, “Look guys, just give me 2 minutes here. First, I brought dinner…it’s in the box and it’s reheatable, since you two don’t seem interested in devouring REAL food, right now. Second, I brought a prenuptial agreement, since I have no intention of going through this fiasco again.”

That got their attention, Harm smirked, “Sturgis, I don’t recall that being part of the plan.”

Sturgis grinned back, “It wasn’t…it was all my idea. There are three parts. The first is for you, Harm. Under no circumstance are you to use the phrases, ‘I think you know the reason’ or ‘I think you know why.’ Failure to comply with said requirement will cost you a $2,000 shopping spree, for Mac to buy the shoes of her choice. As your Mother told you in your younger days, Commander…’Use Your Words’.”

Mac smiled at Harm’s look of shock, “I can live with that. What else you got?”

Sturgis nodded, “The second is for you, Mac. You will give the inarticulate wonder over there, the chance to fully answer questions and explain his responses. No running away and no jumping to conclusions. If you don’t understand his ramblings or one-word grunts, you will ask for clarification. Failure to comply with said requirements will result in you having to take flying lessons from the same-said inarticulate wonder over there.”

Harm leaned his head back against the floor and howled in laughter. “I can live that…I always wanted to teach you to fly, marine.”
She smiled back mischievously, “Well My Little Inarticulate Wonder, I’m not sure I want to get in a plane with you again. We do have that propensity for crashing.”

He glared back, “We didn’t crash…they were just hard landings.”

She shook her head, “Harm, the wings got torn off!!!” She leaned in until their noses were touching, “Anyways, I can think of much more enjoyable ways to fly that don’t involve an airplane.”

He grinned back and whispered, “I can live with that. I like how you think, Marine.”

Sturgis cleared his throat again to get their attention, “You know, you guys have the attention span of a gnat. The last stipulation is for both of you. You have to name your first kid after me.”

Their eye popped out as their eyebrows danced in their hairlines. “Ah, Sturgis…”

He gave a deep belly laugh, “I got you. Well, I do mean it…just not the name Sturgis. I wouldn’t want to saddle any kid with that name. I was thinking Turner if it’s a boy or Anna Lillian, after my Mom, if it’s a girl.”

Mac smiled, “Turner Harmon Rabb, I like it.”

Harm nodded, “Or Anna Lillian Rabb, I like it, too.”

The love-struck pair replied sweetly, “You’ve got yourself a deal, Counselor. Thanks for everything. Now get out of here, we have more enjoyable activities to pursue.” And with that, they completely ignored the quick exist of their friend and facilitator.

Sturgis closed and locked the door on the way out. He figured they didn’t need any other interruptions or meddling interventions. He released a satisfied sigh, “The planets have successfully aligned and all is right once again; JAG’s heroic prince and beautiful princess will live happily ever after. Now, if I could just do something about the bristly king.”


The End

AN: If you’re interested as to which picture I used for the puzzle, check out one of the old HB threads from a month ago.
www.voy.com/56685/8/54340.html


Also for those interested, I intend to send both of the dynamic duo for counseling once they’re through getting REACQUAINTED. They both could use some help dealing with the events of Singer’s murder/trial, Paraguay, the CIA, etc.