Author: km
Subject: April Challenge: Too Good at Saying Goodbye

Though I was glad to see the series end on the note it did, I never really liked the way it ended. I was disappointed that after all these years, it still seemed to lack any kind of realism, especially considering the premise of these characters. Additionally, the discussion on the “Fic Recon” board about another fic-a-thon and possible topics had me thinking about this same scene, with a slightly different twist. So, here’s another thought...

References to “Fair Winds and Following Seas” as well as a few choice lines from past episodes. I re-watched the episode and was again touched by all the flashbacks. So there might be a few too many here...

Standard disclaimers apply.

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After endless snippets of their time together replayed over and over in her mind since the announcements were made, she was a bit off-kilter. It occurred to her that she’d missed again, even with all the oblique references he’d made, what he was trying to say,. Actually, it was what he was trying not to say. There were so many memories of him trying not to say what he wanted her to know. The goodbye when he returned to aviation, on a ferry ride in Sydney Harbor, questions about her feelings for Brumby, the conversation on the admiral’s porch, words in Paraguay. So many times where they’d both misunderstood.

She’d learned that about him. He just couldn’t bring himself to say what he meant; it was too big of a risk. And that risk thing was so contradictory with him: he’d risk his very life in a million different ways for a million different people but he was completely unable to take any kind of personal risk. An ironic chuckle accompanied her next thought:

‘He’ll do anything to protect himself from getting hurt---even if he hurts himself in the process.’

After he’d walked out of her apartment she replayed the conversation in her mind, as she usually did with any conversation involving him. And as she usually did after the fact, she realized that in coming there, he was looking for a way to open the door. But sometimes it seemed to take him so long to test the waters that she’d lose track of where he might be going with the conversation. She also realized that once she’d suggested that she’d accepted it (‘it doesn’t seem so bad---yeah, you keep telling yourself that, Mackenzie’), he had backed off. His demeanor changed and he accepted he statement at face value, like he always did. He was consistent, logical and predicable in that:

‘I hate him when he’s rational...’

She parked the car and began the walk up to his apartment, knowing that in some things, she did just what he did. However, she knew she just couldn’t let it go; that she’d forever regret not trying one more time. She already had enough regrets regarding this man. A high profile lawyer all those years ago. Attempting to hide the mistakes of a marriage. An Australian ring. Too many hurtful words over too many years. A murder charge that for some reason she thought was about her. The occasional accusation brought on by frustration and the erroneous belief that a caustic challenge would prompt him to act. Webb. Never. There were things she figured he regretted, too.

So she had to make one more effort though she didn’t really know what she would say:

‘Well, let’s see how this goes...’

Because in the end, what she had said to Sturgis all those years ago was still true: she loved him. The memories reminded her of that, too. And when she was brutally truthful with herself, disregarding the baggage and turning her back on all the should-haves, could-haves, and would-haves; she knew he loved her too.

The door to his place was open and she stopped at the threshold just to watch him for a few seconds. It turned into a minute or maybe two; watching him trumped her awareness of time.

Finally, in his motion he caught a glimpse of her in his peripheral vision:

‘Those flyboy skills...always on duty.’

“Hey.” He got a quirky look on his face and narrowed his eyes. “Have you been standing there long?” She shook her head.

“Something so final about a packed apartment.” He responded with that smile of his, the one that wasn’t really a smile; his eyes weren’t smiling. Maybe straight talk would work now that the pressure was on.

“Let’s talk about, uh, you and me.” She heard him take a breath.

“About why we couldn’t make this work? Look, Mac, I don’t think I’ll ever feel about anyone the way I feel about you.” His voice echoed with resignation. She turned away and took a breath herself, knowing she’d have to bring him back from that. Then he continued.

“Let me ask you this: all the men in your life all these years, what attracted you to them?”

“Truly, Harm? Mostly it was that they wanted me and let me know it.”

“I wanted you, Mac. You knew that.”

“No, not really, not for sure. So we’ve done this song and dance for years...”

“...because neither one of us wanted to be the one to end it and say goodbye.”

“But somehow, and I’ve said it before, we've gotten too good at saying goodbye.” At first he didn’t respond---and then his words were completely unexpected.

“I don’t want to say goodbye.” She froze at that but she didn’t turn around.

“What do you want?”

“I want a lot of things.”

“What do you want most?” He paused. She thought he wouldn’t answer. But as she twitched to step further from him, he spoke again:

“You.”

She finally turned to him, squaring her shoulders and looking directly at him, her eyes questioning.

“I don’t know what that means.” He paused again.

“It doesn’t matter what it means if you don’t share the sentiment.”

Then, as she stepped toward him, she smiled; a smile equal parts relief, compassion, joy, encouragement and love.

“I do. I do share that sentiment.”

Their eyes met and they slowly melted into a soft and gentle embrace.

“We can make this work, Mac. I know we can.”

“Long-distance relationships are hard, Harm.” He tightened his grip on her a bit, not overpowering, but enough to let her know that he knew it too.

“I know. But location won’t change who and what we are. I love you, Mac. Because you are who you are. A beautiful, fabulous woman who’s an active duty Marine, accomplished in the practice of law... and in the art of leadership. I won’t ask you to be something or someone else.” He backed away a bit to look into her eyes. “I guess I’m hoping you think the same thing.” She smiled and laid her palm on his cheek.

“Again, I do. But there’re still things to settle.”

“I know. And we will. But right now we have twelve hours so let’s just settle on a basic plan of action. Then slowly, over time we can talk and e-mail about details. We’ll use our leaves ‘strategically’. But this I know: I’d rather be thousands of miles away, knowing you’re loving me, than to be anywhere on this planet without you in my life.” The look in his eyes detailed the depth of his words and she immediately knew how much despair ‘never’ had caused.

“Oh, Harm...” Tears formed in her eyes and slid down her cheeks. “Why am I the one crying?”

He raised both his hands and smiled softly as he used his thumbs to wipe the tears away.

“So what do you say, Marine? Willing to say ‘I do’ one more time?” His face took on a more sincere look, questioning... “Marry me?” She returned to his embrace, wrapping her own arms around his frame and spoke the one word she hoped would heal and strengthen them both---as well as the bond between them.

“Always.”