Author: fananicfan
Subject: Overcoming Obstacles, Part 4

OVERCOMING OBSTACLES, PART 4

For Disclaimer: see the first part one of the story. Parts one and two are now listed on the October 2008 challenge story archive page.

AN: Trying to mesh a fic with the series is difficult because often the time frames don't make any sense, at least to me. My case in point is the Admiral's Dining Out, which was held on May 21st, the date was mentioned in Hail and Farewell, Part I. But in 4% Solution, two months prior to Christmas Eve would be late October, and with only two episodes between H & F I and Retrial (H & F II and Corporate Raiders), either Alicia being at Harm's apartment was in October, and he had indeed been "seeing her" or we've got a lot of months that we have no episodes to fill in the timeline, so know that, in my little world, Alicia was at Harm's due to the Wainwright case only, which puts her there in October and gives me a gap in time from May 21st to October to write in my little story. So if the timeline of this story doesn't coincide with you're timeline, chalk it up to writer's privilege and try to enjoy the story anyway.

Both parts of Hail and Farewell and Corporate Raiders will be referenced in this part of the story. I'll refer to scenes that we actually saw, and you'll get some new scenes to make things turn out the way I want them to ... no disrespect intended to TPTB, but many a fanfic, not just mine, have given us stories that kept them apart without being cruel. I hope that, by the time I finish weaving this little tale, you'll feel that some wrongs in what we saw turn out right. At least, that's my goal for this fic.


OVERCOMING OBSTACLES, PART 4


HARM'S OFFICE
EIGHT WEEKS AFTER THE STORM
(ABOUT THE THIRD WEEK IN JUNE)

HARM'S POV

Acting JAG, Sturgis Turner, has just assigned Mac and me to a case involving former Navy Commander James Merrick, and I have mixed feelings about us being on a case together right now.

I had such high hopes after our talk at the end of April. I was hoping that, by now, we'd be a couple. It hasn't happened. In fact, most days I wonder if we're not farther apart than ever before.

I shake my head, trying to rid my head of the thought that we are, in fact, as far apart as we were on my first day back at JAG after my return from flying for the CIA and trying my hand at crop dusting.

I need to clear off my desk before I meet Mac to go interview Mr. Merrick. With my mind lost in thought, I'm on autopilot as I shove a few of the files off my desk into my briefcase.

I want to blame Mac for the distance between us. I mean, I think I was pretty clear that I was ready to move on with her when we talked in April, but I can't blame her. We've both been dealt some blows since our talk that's made it tough to move into a relationship.

Unfortunately, without the time to even renew our friendship to the closeness that we'd once shared, the events of the last couple of months has had us retreating into our own personal safety zones. The problem with being inside yourself in a place of emotional safety is that you're pushing away someone who cares about you. Then one day you wake up wondering if the divide that you've created is too wide for you to build a bridge across.

I don't know who pushed first, and it doesn't really matter. It matters only that we're doing it again, and it bothers me that neither she nor I have put on the brakes to stop it.

In thinking about it now, it isn't so much what's happened in the last couple of months - it's more like what hasn't happened.

The preseason hurricane seems to have been the catalyst for the winds of change, because, just days later, Admiral Chegwidden gave Coates permission to spread the word that he was retiring with a Dining Out on May 21st.

The news of Admiral Chegwidden's retirement marked a milestone in my life. My mentor was moving on as if he deemed me, really, all of us, able to be on our own, out from under his watchful eye. It was also the fact that he'd been the one who'd introduced me to Mac that had me reflecting on the importance that he'd had in my life over the course of our years together here at HQ.

At the office, preparations for the admiral's Dining Out were being handled quietly behind the scenes. The office buzz was about who would be the next Judge Advocate General, while, personally, I got the news that Mattie wanted to go live with her father for the summer. The manner in which the news about her 'summer visit' was presented to me let me know the reality of what was being planned. The summer visit was to be a trial run and, if all went well, my time as her dad would be over at the end of the school year.

The same week that I got the news that Mattie was spending the summer with her father, Mac started receiving gifts from Webb.

That day is forever etched into my mind ...

FLASHBACK

I hadn't planned to follow her into her office as we made our way back into work after lunch. It just seemed to happen. Once inside her office, we caught sight of a brown paper-wrapped box sitting on her desk - a package, but from whom? She looked at me and, when I shook my head, denying that I had anything to do with its presence, she moved to her desk and opened the package to see if the contents would reveal the mystery sender.

Mac pulled a musical carousel from the box. After she wound it up and let it play a few notes, she moved to put it on her bookcase. She smiled at me, still believing that I'd had something to do with it. I smiled back, knowing that I hadn't sent it, but using it to hide the pang of jealousy that I felt, knowing that someone was trying to win her over before I got a chance to show her that we could make it work. Her smile and my jealousy quickly vanished when she had another sharp pain in her back while placing the gift on the shelf.

She moved back to sit at her desk while I scolded her for not going to the doctor to have her back pain checked out yet, and then I picked up the phone and started dialing. I was going to make her an appointment to see a doctor. I was her friend, if nothing else, and I wouldn't sit back and watch her be in pain without doing something about it.

Whether it was to see if there was a card inside or merely to discard the box, I don't know, but while I was on the phone, she lifted the box off her desk and the 'thanks for looking out for me' look that she'd had on her face when I'd started dialing the phone and telling her that I'd bring her the hot pad from my office after I got her an appointment, turned to a pale 'I've just seen a ghost' type of expression.

She was still staring at whatever it was in the box when I got off the phone.

"Mac, what is it?" I ask with concern.

She doesn't look up from the box as she speaks. "There's a note in the box."

From the look on her face, I expect the note to say something like, 'This could've been a bomb,' signed Sadik, but that couldn't be it. Mac had shot him ... she'd told me that she'd seen his dead body. It couldn't be that. So what in the hell does the note say ... and who sent it?

"Mac, what does it say?" I'd ask tentatively, because I'm not sure that I want to know the answer.

She doesn't say anything. She just picks up the box and hands it to me. I take the box and, as I bring it closer, I look over the flap and into the box. The note reads: 'I got your message. I'll be back tomorrow. Please have dinner with me so that I can plead my case and beg your forgiveness. Love, Clay.'

My jealousy is back, but I manage to stay in control of it, at least for the moment. "What are you going to do?"

"Have dinner with him," she says flatly.

"Why?" I ask. The one word question comes out in a whine.

"Because I need to look him in the eye and tell him that it's over. I owe him that. It's the first step to moving on to bigger and better things."

"Are you sure that you want to do that?" This time, I can't keep the jealousy out of my voice.

END OF HARM'S FLASHBACK

MAC'S OFFICE
SAME TME

MAC'S POV

I've been in my office, reviewing the last couple of months, starting with the preseason hurricane that forced Harm and me to stay at my place, and we talked. It may not have been a soul searching talk, but it was a starting point, or would've been if we'd kept the line of communication open that we'd begun that night.

I wonder where I was in my reminiscing. Oh, yes, the arrival of the carousel from Clay.

MAC'S FLASHBACK TO THE SAME DATE

I can't bring myself to say anything, so I just hand him the box so that he can read it for himself. I watch his eyes flick over the words as he reads the note: 'I got your message. I'll be back tomorrow. Please, have dinner with me so that I can plead my case and beg your forgiveness. Love, Clay.'

"What are you going to do?" he asks, trying to conceal his jealousy.

"Have dinner with him," I reply emotionless.

"Why?" he asks. The one word question comes out in a whine.

"Because I need to look him in the eye and tell him that it's over. I owe him that. It's the first step to moving on to bigger and better things."

"Are you sure that you want to do that?" This time, his jealousy is more obvious. I don't know if he's stopped trying to hide it or can't hide it.

I bristle at the question and his tone before thinking for a moment and letting out a sigh. He's jealous, worried that Clay will woo me with gifts and sweet talk, and he'll be left on the curb alone again. I'm glad that he made that jealousy confession that night during the storm. It's so much easier to deal with or overlook transgressions when you know why they surface.

"It's over between Clay and me, Harm. I'm sure. In fact, it's so over that I've had time to set my sights on a new guy. There's this sailor ... " I let my voice trial off, giving him time to let my words sink in while I offer him a warm smile, communicating my understanding and forgiveness for his tone and demeanor.

After he's really heard what I've said, he asks, "A sailor ... huh?" He has a hopeful smile on his face.

"Yes, a sailor," I say, offering a shy, flirtatious smile in return.

"Anyone I know?" he asks in a tone that indicates that he's indulging in the flirtation that I began.

"I think you may know him ... tall, handsome ... ."

His smile becomes a full blown flyboy smile. "I've got to go now. I've got work to do, but I'd love to hear more about this guy who you've set your sights on ... he sounds like a great guy. How about telling me about him over dinner tonight?"

"Not tonight." His smile fades some before I can say, "My back -"

He cuts me off. "Of course, you should get some rest ... take it easy, not be out having dinner," he says with an understanding tone and a soft smile. "I'll see you tomorrow. Maybe we can have lunch together if you're feeling better."

"I'd like that," I reply as he gives me a wave goodbye and leaves my office.

END OF MAC'S FLASHBACK

My internal clock alerts me that Harm and I should've left five minutes ago and pulls me from the memory of the next morning when Harm witnessed the delivery of a German figurine by a group of singers. We both knew that it was from Clay. I didn't see Harm the rest of that day ... and we've yet to have that lunch.

Why didn't I go to his office and ask him to lunch? Why am I stalling in moving forward with him when, just weeks ago, I was sure that I wanted him, even if I wasn't ready at the moment?

That's when I hear that annoying little voice, the one you hear inside your head, the one that's annoying because it's usually right, and you find that out after you've chosen to ignore it.

This time it's saying, 'You know why you're putting off going to him. You've been avoiding him for weeks, since ... since the admiral's Dining Out, since you told him about what the doctor told you.'

I find myself having a debate inside my head with the voice. 'But how, with the other things that were happening in his life at the time - Mattie going back to live with her father being the most prominent one for him - could he hear that our baby deal was off because I couldn't deliver on my part, and be so damned calm and understanding about it, so comforting by saying that it didn't matter how, that it mattered only that we did it together and that there were other ways ... .so, so ... I don't know ... grown up about it?'

'Don't ask me. Ask him on your way to speak with Mr. Merrick. Somebody up there likes you. You've been assigned this case with him, so you can't avoid him any longer. Talk to him ... even if it turns out that all you can say to him right now is that you're still not ready, but that you'll let him now when you are ready.'

"I have to stop avoiding him or I'm going to destroy our friendship, and that's a loss that I don't think that even therapy could help me cope with," I say into the air of my empty office as I stand.

I straighten my back and firmly grasp the handle of my briefcase. "I can do this," I say out loud before I leave my office for his.

HARM'S OFFICE

HARM'S POV

This will be the first time since the admiral's Dining Out that we've worked on a case together. It's also the first time since Clayton Webb stood her up for dinner, causing her to seek him out so that she could end things properly in a face-to-face meeting.

When Mac first appeared at my door, telling me that Webb was dead, my first thought had been that he'd faked his death before, so why not now? My second thought was that it might be some kind of mind game to suck her back into his world. I voiced the first thought, but not the second one to her.

Mac was upset by Webb's death, but I don't know whether she was mourning him because they'd been in a year-long relationship that, in her mind, she hadn't officially terminated or if she felt guilty for leaving a break-up message on his machine that may have caused him to be just enough distracted that he'd made a mistake that had gotten him killed.

If mourning a lost love or guilt over perhaps causing it hadn't been enough for her to deal with, she'd seen the doctor about her back pain, and the news hadn't been good. Of course, I didn't know that until the admiral's retirement party, and only after I'd opened my mouth about the anniversary of our baby deal. I'd prefaced my words with, "This might not be the best time to bring this up ... " but I didn't know what an inappropriate time it really had been until after I'd opened my big mouth, which had led her to tell me the news that she'd received from the doctor.

Though my timing couldn't have been worse, I think that I handled the news well. It wasn't like I was well-read on the subject, but I haven't been living under a rock all these years. So, I felt comfortable in stating some of the possibilities that could give us a baby, donor eggs and surrogacy among them. I also wanted to be sure that she knew that it didn't matter to me. I wanted to stop looking in on her life and be part of it. Babies would be just the icing on the cake ... what we could aspire to when we'd overcome the obstacles and had a clear path in front of us into happily ever after.

Maybe I should blame Webb and his "death" for reversing any progress that we'd made. It took a couple of weeks before Mac found out that he was alive and well. He'd been responsible for what she'd gone through in the weeks after his death, until it had been discovered that he was alive. However, his motives had been strictly business related and not to pull Mac back in, though I'm sure that, if it had worked out that way, he would've welcomed her back into his life with open arms.

I shove the last of my files into my briefcase, mumbling incoherently, "The timing was wrong. I didn't make myself clear that I want her, that I want a life with her. I have no one to blame but myself."

"Are you rehearsing an opening statement or a closing argument?" Mac asks sweetly from the doorway, then pauses a moment before trying to answer her own question, "Since I couldn't make out any of the words you were saying, I'd say from your stance and furrowed brow ... it was a closing argument ... but I didn't see your name on the trial schedule for the next two weeks, so you have at least that much time before you're due in court. That's plenty of time for you to come up with a brilliant closing."

"It isn't a current case." Since she couldn't make out any of the words, I offer that in explanation, hoping that she doesn't push the issue. With all that's happened, including the distance between us, Mattie returning to her father and Turner being named as acting JAG while we await the appointment of a new Judge Advocate General, I'm about fed up with keeping it all in. If she pushes me about what case I've got on my mind, I might just tell her flat out that I was reviewing the closing argument that I used at the Dining Out when I was trying to make a case for giving me - us - a chance.

"Beating yourself up over an old case ... that's not good. I guess it means that it's a good thing that we've got a new case for you to focus on ... you are ready to leave now, aren't you?"

"Yeah, let's go." I must have subconsciously prepared to 'let her have it' if she'd asked about the case because, after I've given her a verbal response, I have to exhale a breath that I'd unknowingly been holding. Thankfully, she didn't ask about the "old case," because I would've regretted losing my temper with her.

Aside from her telling me that she wanted to drive as we were walking to the car at HQ, we haven't exchanged a single word in our twenty-five minute drive from HQ to the parking lot of Mr. Merrick's company, where we're to meet with him for our interview.

She pulls into a space, puts the car in park, shuts off the ignition and pulls out the key.

"Harm," she says as she leans back against the seat, staring into the center of the steering wheel. "I don't want it to be like this between us ... where we can't talk to each other." She finally looks at me.

The sadness in her brown eyes makes me want to wrap my arms around her, but even if we weren't both in uniform, since we haven't been able to talk to each other, I certainly don't think that physical contact is appropriate. "I don't want that either," I reply with a sigh.

"I'm going to therapy, but there's just so much stuff to deal with. I'd thought that I'd put some of it in the past, but I've found that I haven't ... .." She's getting emotional and stops talking.

"Do you think that therapy is helping?" As soon as the question leaves my mouth, I scold myself. It's a question that she could take the wrong way.

She smiles at me, indicating that she's taken my question as I intended it, as a concerned friend asking if she feels like she's getting the help that she needs. "I've been going for only a few weeks, but I think it's helping. However, I could be at it a while." She pauses, taking in a deep breath before continuing, "That's why I want to tell you that I don't want you waiting around for me to show up at your door to tell you that I'm ready. I want be able to talk to you, my best friend, but I can't do that if I'm worried that, at any minute, you'll ask me if I'm ready. Since Mattie's with her father, you need to get out ... start dating. It'll free me of the feeling that you're waiting for me and allow us to resume our friendship. I don't know when or if I'll ever be ready. You don't want to be a hundred years old and still waiting for me. You're a healthy, single and good-looking guy, Harm. You need to get out there and find someone who can give you what you need ... what you want now."

She might as well have stabbed me in the heart. Her words pierce through my heart just as painfully as if they'd been a knife. "Whatever you want." I don't wait for her to respond. I reach for the door handle. "Let's get in there and interview Merrick," I say before getting out of the car. Once my feet are on the ground, I have to take in several deep breaths to get my equilibrium back before I can walk.

SAME TIME

MAC'S POV

"Do you think therapy is helping?" he asks. I start to get defensive because my first thought is that he's asking to find out how much longer I'm going to be screwed up ... how much longer he's going to have to wait for me, but the softness in his eyes tells me that he's concerned about me, nothing more.

I smile at knowing that he still cares. "I've been going only a few weeks, but I think it's helping. However, I could be at it a while ... " This isn't the right place to do this, but the tension that's been between us, not feeling comfortable in talking to him has got to stop. I need to do this now. Though we're in uniform in a parking lot on a case, there's no time like the present. I take in a deep breath before I begin. "That's why I want to tell you that I don't want you waiting around for me to show up at your door to tell you that I'm ready. I want be able to talk to you, my best friend, but I can't do that if I'm worried that, at any minute, you'll ask me if I'm ready. Since Mattie's with her father, you need to get out ... start dating. It'll free me of the feeling that you're waiting for me and allow us to resume our friendship. I don't know when or if I'll ever be ready. You don't want to be a hundred years old and still waiting for me. You're a healthy, single and good-looking guy, Harm. You need to get out there and find someone who can give you what you need ... what you want now."

I see the concern that his eyes hold for a moment before it turns to pain. He speaks sharply. "Whatever you want." He reaches for the door handle, not giving me time to respond. "Let's get in there and interview Merrick," he says before getting out of the car."

I reach for the door handle while taking in a few deep breaths, trying to force down my emotions. I didn't want to hurt him. I was trying to set him free and get my best friend back in the process, but I think I made matters worse. I get out of the car, hoping that, once he's thought over what I've said, he'll see that I'm right, that it's better ... better for him ... better for me ... better for both of us this way.

After speaking with Merrick, we get back into the car. I'm not looking forward to the ride back to HQ. I'm dreading it, in fact. Not so much because of what he'll say, but because I don't know if he'll be speaking out of anger or hurt. He's entitled to feel either - hell, both of them - but if he speaks in anger, I'm fearful that he'll end our friendship and, knowing that I hurt him that much, I'll need to add a second session of therapy next week just to talk about that and how I lost him because of it.

I had nothing to fear. He didn't say a word about how he felt about what I'd said nor did he plead his case as to why he should wait for me. We didn't ride back in silence either. He stayed very professional, talking only about the case on the drive back to the office. When we arrived at the office, he looked at me as we neared the place where we'd have to part to go to our separate offices and said, "I'll put my thoughts concerning the case down on paper and come by your office in about thirty minutes so that we can present our findings to Turner before the end of the day. Is that okay with you?"

"Yes, sounds good. I'll make my notes and see you in thirty minutes."

He nodded and turned to head down the hall to his office. That's another thing that I feel guilty about. If he hadn't left JAG to come to Paraguay, he'd still be in one of the main offices around the bullpen. "He should have an office suited to a senior attorney, a fine officer and a good man," I mumble as I walk to my own office.

JAG HQ
SAME TIME

HARM'S POV

On the way back to the office, I wanted to tell her that she was making a noble gesture, but I'd be the judge of how long I wanted to wait for her. I wanted to tell her a lot of things, but most of it came from the hurt that I was feeling, and I knew that I'd send us back to a place in our relationship where I wouldn't return her messages, or worse, she wouldn't call anymore at all, so I did what I needed to do in order not to say anything hurtful or make her feel like she'd lost me as her friend. I focused on the case and discussed it with her all the way back to the office.

We get off the elevator and as we're approaching the place where we have to go in different directions to get to our offices, I ask. "I'll put my thoughts concerning the case down on paper and come by your office in about thirty minutes so that we can present our findings to Turner before the end of the day. Is that okay with you?"

"Yes, sounds good. I'll make my notes and see you in thirty minutes."

I nod to her in acknowledgement of the plan and turn to walk down the hall to my office.

Once I'm in my office, I decide that I need to keep doing what I'm doing, keep things all business until I've had time to think over what I want to say to her and examine it from every possible angle so that there can be no possible way that it can be interrupted in any other way than the way I mean it.

TWO DAYS LATER

HARM'S OFFICE
EARLY AFTERNOON

HARM'S POV

There is a rap on my door. "Enter."

The door opens to reveal Harriet Roberts standing there.

"Come in, Harriet," I say as I stand. "To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?" I ask as I motion for her to have a seat.

"I'm not going to be here long, sir," she says in response to my invitation to sit down.

"Harriet, you're a civilian now. Even if I'm in uniform, you can call me Harm."

Harriet smiles. "Bud and I just came back from lunch, where I asked Bud if you'd said anything about coming to our barbeque. So, Harm, while I was here, I wanted to check with you to see if you were coming to our Fourth of July get-together."

"I've been busy and haven't given it much thought." I say with a bit of embarrassed that I'd let the invitation slip my mind because of the things that have been happening with Mattie and Mac.

"It isn't a big party, mostly people from JAG. I'll apologize in advance for anything that my father-in-law might say to you. Little AJ would love to see you."

"I thought that Bud was the lawyer in the family, Harriet." She looks confused. "You're pretty good at making a case, too," I explain.

Her smile becomes brighter. "Then you'll come?" she asks, sounding almost giddy.

A thought comes to me. Maybe getting Mac into an environment in which she's comfortable, she'll see that we don't have to be dating, but that, by just spending time together and doing social things like getting together with friends, we can move our relationship forward ... get the spark back.

"Has Mac sent her RSVP?" I ask curiously.

"She volunteered to bring pasta salad and a cherry pie, so she'd better be there," she says with a chuckle.

"I'll be there, Harriet. Do you want me to bring anything?"

"I've got all of that taken care of. You just need to bring yourself."

After getting a reminder of the date and time of the barbeque, I say a cheerful goodbye to Harriet.

I sit back down behind my desk. My somber mood has lifted. I'm feeling good feeling about this Fourth of July.

JAG CONFERENCE ROOM
THE NEXT MORNING
IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE STAFF MEETING

HARM'S POV

I accepted Harriet's invitation to the barbeque yesterday afternoon because it was an opportunity to see Mac without being on a date with her. Then I'd gone home with that idea in mind: seeing Mac without being on a date with her.

By the time I'd put my head on my pillow last night, I'd come up with a plan. There's no time table. She can have as much time as she needs to heal and to be sure that she's ready to move forward, but she doesn't have to go through life alone in the meantime.

I don't want to lie to Mac, but I do want her to think that I've surrendered to her will by leading her to believe that I'm going to do as she requested three days ago. So, the first part of the plan is to make her think that I can accept our relationship as just friends.

I hadn't expected an opening like this to arise this soon, but when Bud leaves the conference room, leaving Mac and me alone, I seize the opportunity to put my plan into action.

She's looking down at a file. "Mac," I say to get her attention. When she looks at me, I continue, "If you've got time today, can we go to lunch?" I get the questioning look that I knew that I'd get, so I forge ahead, carefully thinking about what I'm saying. "You know, I've thought over what you said the other day, and I understand what you said and why you said it."

"So, we're still friends ... no hard feelings?"

"Yes, we're still friends ... no hard feelings."

"Who's buying?" she asks, smiling.

"I asked you to lunch, so I'll buy this time ... but you can buy next time," I say, returning her smile.

"Deal," she says before standing up. She scoops up the papers that are on the conference table in front of her. "It's good to have you back, Harm," she says with the first smile that I've seen on her face in weeks that I can believe is genuine.

"It's good to be back," I say to her before she leaves the conference room.

SAME TIME

MAC'S POV

I'm looking down at a file when I hear him say my name.

"Mac."

When I look up at him, he continues to speak, "If you've got time today, can we go to lunch?"

Wondering if I hadn't made myself clear, I give him a questioning look.

"You know, a I've thought over what you said the other day, and I understand what you said and why you said it."

"So, we're still friends ... no hard feelings?" I ask tentatively, not quite believing that it could be this easy.

"Yes, we're still friends ... no hard feelings."

"Who's buying?" I ask with a smile.

"I asked you to lunch, so I'll buy this time ... but you can buy next time," he says, returning my smile.

"Deal," I say before standing up. I scoop up the papers that are on the conference table in front of me. "It's good to have you back, Harm." Because I feel lighter with knowing that I have my best friend back, my smile automatically grows a little wider .

"It's good to be back," he says to me before I leave the conference room.

A FEW MOMENTS LATER

HARM'S POV

I've been sitting here in the conference room, reviewing the conversation that I just now had with Mac.

I've replayed it several times in my mind. I didn't say that I was going to start dating or that I agreed with what she'd said, just that I understood the information and the reason that she'd said it.

I stand and scoop up my papers that are laying on the conference table. 'I think that does it for step one,' I say to myself as I move to the conference room doors.

The next step in my plan is to spend as much time with her as possible. Lunch between friends is a place to start, though we can't do it every day or she'll think that I'm pushing her. No matter what, with a lunch date - not date, appointment - with my lunch appointment with her today, I'm already working on step two. This is going to be a good day.


TBC