Author: Nettie
Subject: HBX January Challenge - Defending the Heart

Renee: You're not very good at relationships, are you?
Harm: Why do you say that?
Renee: Because you don't like to let people in.
(Promises)

Defending the Heart




Six minutes ago he walked out of here, angry and frustrated yet again because of something I said ... Something I said!!! The nerve of that man! He wanted to talk again, that’s all he ever wants to do - talk and when I finally say yes he doesn’t seem to know what to say. God that infuriates me! You’d think he’d have thought of something before he came here.

There he was, still in his dress whites, sitting on my sofa, coffee in his hand going on about god knows what. I tried to follow what he was saying, honestly I did but it was a whole convoluted endless stream of words coming out and I couldn’t keep up. I tried, honestly I did but for love nor money nothing was making sense.

I guess my expression must have given away my predicament, not that he read it properly, because next thing I know he bangs his mug onto the coffee table and stalks around the room. “You’re not very good at relationships, are you?” he called back to me…Me! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black…he has more than his share of relationship difficulties himself.

“Why do you say that?” I shot back at him, not wanting to let him get away so easily. “Because you don’t like to let people in,” he spat. I half laughed, half choked on his words. I don’t let people in …I don’t …hell, has he looked in a mirror. I kick myself that I can’t think of a reply, but then words just start spewing out on their own. “I don’t like to let people in? You’re half right but you want to know why it is that I let people into my life but not into my heart. Harm?” I don’t really want him to answer. “Because when I let people in they’ve hurt me, badly, and I find it’s much easier to breathe if my heart’s not shattered and my lungs don’t feel crushed by the weight of an endless, suffocating pain.”

My reply stops him in his tracks, I’m sure he wasn’t expecting any response, let alone that one. “What about me, though?” he dares to ask. “You?” I’m sure I snorted the word. “You were the worst offender…I let you in a long time ago and it nearly killed me!” The words were out before I could stop them. Each syllable like a sucker punch to his stomach, I can see the pain screaming from his sharp blue eyes, and the increasing pallor of his skin.

He’s gone in an instant, the reverberation of the slamming door felt throughout the entire apartment. I watched the door shudder on its hinges for a long while afterwards thinking he’ll reappear to finish our argument…it’s so unlike him just to walk away regardless of his anger at me.

After the first twenty minutes elapse I realise he’s not coming back and I slump back onto the sofa and replay the whole night…where did it go so wrong. I hate myself for what I said but he started it… sure I don’t let people in…I learnt at a young age I was only ever going to be hurt if I did…so I kept them at a distance…all of them from Chris to Mic to Clay…I’ve let them into my life but never into my heart, it hurts too much to love someone unconditionally only to lose them …or in my case have them abandon you in search of a new life, god, my mother has a lot to answer for.

Harm’s the only one I’ve let into my heart and it’s not that I ever had a choice. I’m sure it wasn’t a deliberate action on my behalf, I just woke up one day and realised that my heart wasn’t mine, it was his and that was long before Mic. And yet in all that time my heart’s been his he has continued to hurt me, not knowingly, not willingly, he just has.

Damn! I’ve just realised how unfair I’ve been and I can’t stop the tears of guilt and shame cascading down my cheeks. Caught up in my own self preservation techniques I’ve never been truly honest with him…never thought about what it’s like for him. I lost my mother, by her own volution of course, but he lost his dad, twice – once when he was five and then when we went to Russia. He had more reason than me to close his life and heart off from everybody but still here he was tonight trying to reach out to me and I was a complete ass. I take a few minutes to pull my thoughts and myself together.

I need his forgiveness before I can forgive myself I grab my keys and purse and head out the door only to stop dead. There sitting on the top step of the descending stairs is Harm, his head slumped into hands looking incredibly dejected. He hasn’t moved so I’m sure he hasn’t heard me and my first instinct is to crawl back into my apartment and deal with this at a later time but I can’t. There is a time and place for everything and this is it for me.

Drawing a deep breath, I practically tiptoe over before sitting beside him, he doesn’t move. I long to put my hand on his back and provide some sort of comfort but my hand feels leaden and won’t move by itself. I steel myself for what I’m about to do with a very deep breath. I glance over to him and he still hasn’t moved but through his hands I can see where his tears have ran and I feel even worse than before.

“Harm,” I all but whisper, my voice being a coward. “I am so sorry.” I reach to take his hand and am so relieved when he doesn’t resist. “Please let me explain.” He nods but doesn’t look at me, his head still bowed.
“I am so very sorry and not just for what I said earlier, you’re right I don’t let people in because this is what happens. I love someone with all my heart and they leave me…they never love me and it kills me. I lived through that once and never wanted it to happen again but it did happen…you happened.” I stop to draw in much needed oxygen, my head’s swirling and I feel hot and clammy.

“I let you into my life a long time ago but never into my heart, you found your own way there, but I didn’t want that, didn’t want you, didn’t want to admit you were there, didn’t want …” I sigh deeply. “Didn’t want to lose everything I had worked so hard to regain after it happened the last time.”

I glance over to him and see that he’s been watching me.
“You don’t want me?” he says, hurt evident in each word. I shake my head. “I didn’t want you,” I correct him.
“I don’t get the difference,” he answers.
“I didn’t want you…it was always going to be too hard and too painful when you left me…when you decided I just wasn’t worth it…and over the years you proved me right, every time you left it hurt a little more,” I explain.
“You left too,” he says softly, his tone not argumentative at all.
“I was trying to protect myself, not that it ever helped,” I answer truthfully.
“So you don’t want me…” his voice trails and I know what he’s not asking.
“I didn’t want you,” I correct again. “But I realised a long time ago that my heart was already yours and while I didn’t want it to be true I really did want you. I wanted a lot, wanted to feel safe, to be held, wanted to love you, wanted you to love me, wanted life to be a hell of a lot easier than it was.”

He lets go of my hand and for a sickening second I think he’s going to get up and leave. Instead he runs his hand up my arm and around my shoulders before drawing me closer to him. His lips gently touch my forehead and I pray this isn’t a kiss goodbye.
“Sarah,” he whispers. “You’ve got to stop wanting what you already have.” He draws my face to meet his and I can see the tears building behind his beautiful eyes and I hate myself for causing them. “I have loved you for a long time now; I’ve always been here to keep you safe and to hold you, always been willing to make life easier for you.” He kisses my forehead again.

“So how did we get to this point?” I ask, my steely resolve washed away by my own tears.
“I think we’ve spent a lifetime trying so hard not to be hurt again we’ve done more harm than good… you did it to me… I did it to you…” he admits quietly. “It would be so easy to walk away right now, Sarah but do you want to know something?” He waits for my response but no words will come so I just nod. “Through all the walls and barriers and road blocks and defenses we put up, we still got through to each other…you already said I was in your heart, and, well, you own mine. I think it makes it pretty clear that despite everything else we are just meant to be and we can fight and resist as much as we want but it won’t change anything.”

I rest my head on his chest, my ability to resist anything gone. For a long while we sit there, his fingers running through my hair taking away a tiny bit of the wall I’d put up with each stroke. I feel his lips press down on my head and I smile despite the tears which begin to fall again.
“Harm,” I say looking up at him. “What do we do now?”
“Now, I guess we figure out what it is we want to do?” he replies. “What do you want to do?” He adds when I fail to speak. I wrap both arms around him.
“I never want to let you go,” I whisper, squeezing tightly.
“Good,” he whispers back, “because I never want you to.”

Eventually we stand to clear the stairwell for two of my neighbours and I lead Harm back into my apartment. It’s not yet midnight but I’m physically and emotionally exhausted.
“Harm, if I promise to spend tomorrow and Sunday with you sorting all this out…” I point to him then myself. “Will you come to bed with me now and hold me?”
He doesn’t answer but walks me into my bedroom, he strips down to his beater and boxers and I pull off my sweater. I slip into bed; he follows me in and instantly wraps me in his arms.

With my head on his chest I am mesmerised by the rhythm of his heart and steady breathing, I hold on a bit tighter.
“I know we have all weekend to discuss this, Mac...” he says, brushing my hair back into place. “But before you go to sleep can I just tell you one thing?” I nod. “Sarah, I love you.”

Those three little words shatter every defense I had built around my heart in a desperate attempt to keep him out, or maybe even to keep him in and for the first time in my life I experience a feeling I can’t label. He lifts my face and plants a gentle kiss on my lips and it’s then I recognise it, I’m happy.
“I love you too,” I whisper, kissing him back. He squeezes me tightly and as I place my head back over his heart I swear I can hear his own defenses crumble too. On his white cotton beater, I place a tender kiss over his heart, just like mine it will need some help to recover from a lifetime of hurt.

My eyes are heavy and my mind swirls with the pressing need for sleep I remember the words that triggered everything tonight, that I wasn’t good at relationships. There’s so much truth in that comment but as I succumb to a desperate sleep, I vow to myself that this relationship will be more than good, it will succeed and flourish and before the Sandman comes I kiss his heart again. And as I do he kisses my head and instinctively I know he’s thinking the same thing, once again we are in sync and all’s right with the world.