Author: doc, apologizing for being late
Subject: 'Dangling Over the Edge' -- Part 1a -- July 2007 HBX Challenge


Dangling Over the Edge by doc


AN: This is my answer to the July 2007 HBX Challenge.

Clearly my last story wasn’t most folk’s ‘cup of tea.’ I understand; I knew I was taking a risk. Webb isn’t a favorite character of most, but I thought I’d delve a little deeper into his psyche, while giving everyone else an outsider’s view of Harm and Mac’s bliss. For those who reviewed, thank you for your kind words. (Psssst, Teacup, I’m sorry to use your name and Webb’s in the same sentence. Trust me, I meant no harm! Or maybe I should give you Harm, for such a horrendous faux pas.)

Anyway…

I keep trying to come up with new angles to enjoy reading and writing about JAG. Since new plots from the show aren’t likely, dang-it, I have to improvise and build on the ones we’ve already got. I didn’t want to fall back on the revamping an old episode so close to the last, so here’s another shot at something new. Good idea or hideous ‘seek witness protection’ mistake? Who knows? You tell me.

By the way, this crumbling limb I’m hanging from is looking more and more precarious…maybe it’s that infestation of spyders and webbs. Or perhaps, Dutch Elm Disease (no slight to my Dutch ancestors)? Either way I’m off to my favorite garden center to purchase some ‘Rid-EX Insect and Spy’ repellant. It’s purported to be effective against spyders, bugmes, neurotic annies, and the occasional large primate. I’m hoping it will break my fall. Smile…

***

Disclaimer: I don’t own JAG or any of the characters. I just take them out and play with them on occasion before replacing them safe and sound back on the shelf.

Please excuse the omissions, misspellings and errors. The mistakes are all mine. Mom had no part in the proofing of this tale. Credits for quotes are noted in the text, except for the one by John Lennon. Thanks for reading.


***

Dangling Over the Edge – Part 1a

“Then we sat on the edge of the earth, with our feet dangling over the side, and marveled that we had found each other.” – Erik Dillard


June 2027
Officers Club
United States Naval Academy
Annapolis, Maryland

I steal a glance across the room following the slow intimate movements of the dancing couple. Comfortable, content, at ease…captivated. Descriptors flit through my mind one by one in perfect time to the amorous rhythm of their feet. They move as one, worshiping each other with their eyes, loving one another with their touch. Their passion is almost palpable. It drifts around them like smoke, oozing from their pores, filling the room with a heady scent. Their love is intoxicating and addicting, yet they’re oblivious to their pull. Dancing here in room full of people, they’re alone in a world apart from the rest.

A smile of wonder plays at my lips as I stare enthralled by the devotion of this pair. How is it possible? Does anyone have a right to that much happiness? She smiles at him with adoring eyes. He winks back at her. Do they suspect it could all be over tomorrow? After all, no one’s guaranteed a happy ending. It takes an enormous amount of hard work and more than a little luck.

I flash them an embarrassed smile when I’m caught and my eyes quickly dart away. Sighing heavily with pent up emotion, memories of my own past filter through my mind. I never thought my life would turn out like this. It certainly wasn’t what we’d planned. When we flipped that coin all those years ago, I was prepared to give up my career. The loss of a career seemed a mere pittance compared to the bliss I’d hoped to attain. I can still feel her wrapped in my arms, body plastered against mine, both our faces turned upwards in rapt attention as the coin spun end over end above our heads. Even now, I can sense her trembling with excitement over the anticipated end. End. What a small word to carry such tremendous weight. It guarantees nothing but finality. It doesn’t speak of the journey, only the outcome. The End. Happy, sad…fulfilled, empty…together, alone. It guarantees none of these things. A coin toss, I shake my head at the irony. It seemed like such a simple solution. Heads or Tails. Could anything be more effortless or fair? The memories of that night hang about my neck, pressing into my shoulders and curling around my soul. Funny how neither of us saw it coming, and certainly no one could’ve anticipated the outcome in the end.

I smile politely at the waiter as he drifts by peddling glasses of amber colored liqueur. Wishing to maintain my faculties at sharpest wit, I decline his offer of my favorite drink. Although… A sly smile returns, some might argue that I lost my rational mind long ago. I gaze about the room once more. It’s full of people in formal attire. Most of them are friends and colleagues, some recent, others long past. We’re here to celebrate a retirement. Yet another end.

I lose myself in the music of the string quartet. The violin’s melody, light and happy, is interspersed with the sad melancholy timbre of the base. A perfect musical commemoration of a life’s journey, the violins provide the sweet enchanting rhythm celebrating the spectacular highs, while the slow deep pitch of the base reminds me of the sad and forlorn as the end draws nigh.

My gaze drifts back to the couple once more, and I’m lost in the revolutions of their dance. Their gentle relaxed turns are in juxtaposition to my memories of that night. As my lids drift shut, I can see the light reflecting off the ridges on the rim of the coin as if it were yesterday. My eyes follow the descent, round and round, end over end, heads or tails…Navy or Marines. Then just as the coin drops to level view and I fear I can’t take the suspense a moment longer, I search out her eyes, craving the stabilizing force that has been my refuge for almost a decade. The love I find in the depths of her gaze steals my breath away and calms all my insecurities and fears. I tighten my hold around her waist anchoring myself to her. She fists her hands in my sleeves and leans further into my embrace. Lost in each other’s eyes, we’re buttressed against the outside world. Our lips drift together as one. So immersed in our personal haze of emotion, we miss the final spin of the coin.

Someone once said, “Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.” That phrase never held more meaning for me than it did in that single life-altering moment. Your entire life can quite literally change in the span of a breath, the blink of eye, the beat of a heart…or the flick of a wrist.

The general snatched the coin of promise right out of the air and quite literally crushed our future with an ironclad fist. He flashed us a constipated glare of barely contained fury at our insolent disregard for military decorum. I only caught bits and pieces of his angry diatribe after that. The words “disappointment…leaders…service…country…SACRIFICE,” hung heavily in the viscous air. I was too busy picking up the pieces of my shattered dream to pay much attention. My first instinct was to grab Mac and run, anywhere…anywhere but there. She reached for my hand and mumbled out a barely intelligible, “Yes Sir,” laden with the tears of emotional loss. Her response filtered through the haze of my dejected mind, and somehow, all that ingrained military training finally kicked-in. We fell in line like the perfect sailor and marine we were expected to be, and love took second stage…again.

A little voice in the back of my mind kept telling me it would never work out. We blew our last chance. It snidely summarized the evidence, counting off our offense…too much time, wasted opportunity, cavalier disregard, insurmountable distance. I argued back with the tried and true, “love is eternal…it conquers all…absence makes the heart grow fonder.” “Ah yes,” the voice mocked back with a sneer, “…absence does make the heart grow fonder…of someone closer at hand.”

With a parting shot of, “You will both report to duty stations as ordered…do I make myself clear, Captain, Colonel?!” the general stormed out the door. Our friends muttered mundane pleasantries while avoiding all eye contact, “So sorry…gotta run…keep in touch,” then fled the scene in horror hoping to escape the charred carcass of the fiery crash.

Mac and I were left standing alone on what should’ve been the happiest day of our lives. Neither of us uttered a word, much less ventured a glance. Her head hung low in shattered disbelief, quiet sniffles and shuddering breaths fought valiantly to gain control over the falling tears. I shook my head at the sorrow of it all. This was Sydney, my crash, and Paraguay, all rolled into one, only so much worse. My hand clutched at the black velvet pouch buried in my pocket, until the diamond imprinted its brand on my palm. This was not how I envisioned the evening playing out. I had hoped to have a ‘happily ever after’ bedtime tale to share with my kids. Legends of distant places and times of yore. Romantic adventures of a beautiful queen and a heroic knight. Wild escapades of battles waged, dragons slain, victories won. And above all else, love would reign true.

I sighed in self-loathing disgust, so what if reality tarnished the tale, the kids never needed to be troubled with the actual facts. Truth be told, the courageous knight had only conquered his own insecurities and fears masquerading as dragons, and the beautiful maiden had come searching for him. But we still rescued each other…well, almost. I exiled the fairytale fantasy to that forbidden place at the outskirts of my sanity where secret dreams and beloved memories live in perpetuity never to be retold.

By the time Mac and I had collected ourselves enough to be on our way, it was already well past midnight. I had an early flight to London and neither one of us felt much like celebrating, what was the point. I offered to see her home, but she reminded me we’d come in separate cars. I walked out and my heart lurched when I discovered our vehicles parked on opposite sides of the lot. Fate, it seemed, had a vindictive streak and reveled in having the last malicious laugh. I reached for her hand and we stumbled blinding toward her car. My right hand remained fixed in my pocket clutching the now useless ring; tonight hardly seemed the poetic moment for fairytale proposals and forever dreams.

Arriving at our physical destination, our hearts mourned the insurmountable distance to our desired goal. My gaze was transfixed in the highlights of her hair, while hers studied the gravel at our feet. My hand rose slowly to trail through the soft locks framing her face and I cautiously lifted her chin to meet my eyes. Even in the dim light of the moon, her tears sparkled brilliantly against the soft blush of her cheeks. I lovingly caressed away each drop only to have another descend in its place. My lips followed the movements charted by my thumb, as I tried to kiss away the trembling sobs she fought to hide. She slipped into my embrace, and held me so tightly in her arms; I feared I might never draw another breath. We stood entwined for minutes, hours, days? Time stood still, or so I begged on soft whispers of anguished prayer. I pled with God to turn back the clock…to a shunned visit in a Blacksburg hospital, the Christmas past, the admiral’s retirement, seventeen unanswered phone calls, an insult-riddled Paraguayan bed, a cold Afghan desert ablaze in fireworks, a rainy night soaked through in unwelcome responsibility, a purloined kiss ripped from the heartbreak of goodbye on a moonlit porch, a ferry ride of miscommunication, the unfulfilled promise of a child created from our love…so many missed opportunities, misunderstandings, and chances now lost.

Neither one of us wanted to let go fearing we might never find the other again. Finally, the time of my departure loomed near and I cursed the hand of fate, which groomed us as experts in the art of goodbye, rather than liberating us to a joyous rapture as one. As I attempted to pull back, she clasped her hands against my back tightening her hold, melting her body into mine. She buried her face in my neck, and the warmth of her breath shuddered as her lips found my skin. The dampness of her tears soaked through to my soul.

My heart craved a keepsake to hold in her stead, nay a multitude of precious memories to assuage the loneliness and fear. My lips began a desperate journey of discovery seeking to unearth all the treasures I held dear. The delicate silk of her hair as it moved against my chin. The velvety softness of her shoulder as it beckoned me near…enticing, tempting, demanding. My mouth latched on to trace a line over the graceful terrain as I fed upon her skin. Her aroma intoxicated me luring me closer like an addict to his fix. That unique scent all hers, an ill-defined mishmash of delicious, desire and want; all built upon a firm foundation of strength, loyalty and love…and just the hint of something more. That elusive mystery which always remained just ever out of grasp…beauty, mischief, sadness? I shook away the distracting thought refusing to be detoured from my task. My fingertips tripped and danced over the slope of her neck gently lifting her chin.

And then I lost myself in her.

Capturing her lips with mine, I struggled desperately to commune as one. I dug deeper, reached further, asking for more still. I wagered battle to transcend space and time, and forever meld myself to the center of her core. That mystical place of inner strength and beauty that defines and unites both Mac and Sarah…the very essence of her soul. It is there I finally surrendered to the intense pull and love that has owned me from the start.

Her kiss was at first tentative and shy, as if she feared I’d melt away into the shadows of her dream. I answered back with assurance and need. She groped with gentle tenderness fueled by barely contained desire. And when she finally opened to my questing tongue, I explored her with a thoroughness not to be outdone. I memorized each crevice and space imprinting them on my heart. I reveled in her taste and texture…sweet, irresistible, decadent…CONSUMING. Necessary as air, required as food, essential as life. I delved further still, claiming her as my own, offering the whole of myself in return. She overwhelmed and engulfed me accepting the gift of my love, and gave all of herself just the same.

When we pulled back panting and thoroughly spent, she burrowed seeking strength in the solace of my chest. Falling backwards against the car, I gladly accepted her weight and the minutes ticked on.

Knowing we were finally out of time, I succumbed to the pain of heartbreak and gently pushed her away. Creating but a breath of space between us, I whispered her name, “Sarah, I’m sorry, but I have to go.”

“I know…I just,” she swiped at her tears unable to control the quiver in her voice, “…I can’t…”

I reached up to caress her cheek, “Sweetheart, we’ll make this work…you’ll see, it’ll be great. Phone call, letters, e-mails, clandestine meetings,” I sought desperately to persuade us both, “…lover’s trysts and rendezvous,” my eyes twinkled with mirth.

She ducked her head, “I know…we’ll try…”

I lifted her face back to mine and settled my lips against the soft skin of her brow. Kissing her with tenderness and warmth, I tried to reassure, mumbling against her skin. “Not try…WILL make it work. Trust me, failure’s not an option I can survive.”

She closed her eyes tightly and nodded her head.

“Sarah?”

When she met my eyes, her gaze was intense and filled with love. She gifted me with a soft smile, the special one she saved only for me. Although it lacked some of its luster, it was beautiful and sweet, and touched my heart all the same.

She ran her fingers over my cheek and caressed my lips with her thumb. Tears welled within her bottomless eyes, as she whispered, “Semper fidelis.”

I nodded back, “Faithful…forever,” then engulfed her in my arms.

“I love you, sweetheart,” my arms refused my brains order to let go.

She pulled back just enough to place her lips on mine. “I love you, too,” was breathed into my mouth on the soft air of the tenderest kiss I shall ever receive in this lifetime or the next.

With one more kiss stolen from the Hand of God, I gently settled her into the car. Assuring the seat belt was tightly clasped; I made her promise to drive safe and slow, for she carried the most precious cargo of my life in her hand. Then I watched her drive out of sight. It nearly killed me to watch to the end, but still seemed only fair, for in the past, she’d done the same for me.

In the ensuing months we followed through as planned…well, almost. Clandestine meetings and rendezvous were scheduled. Phones calls were exchanged at a fast and furious pace. But as the responsibilities of our commands began to take their toll, we missed more than hit. Lovers’ tryst never happened…meetings always intervened. Most times our days ended with the cold companionship of voice mail or the mechanical discomfort of the answering machine. Whispers of love and sweet words of comfort, soon gave way to brief salutations in haste.

“Hey…sorry, I missed you. Hope everything’s going well…catch you next time,” was the order of the day.

Followed by, “Hi, don’t have much time. I talked to Bud…he said you had the flu. Hope you’re feeling better. Give me a call when you have a chance.”

“Returning yours…heading out the door.”

“Your turn…”

“Missed ya again…”

“Tag…you’re it…”

“Damn…”

“Couldn’t have said it better myself…”

“Back at ya…”

“Oh hell, I give up…”

That last call was the worst. My heart died as I uttered those words. We didn’t see each other after that catastrophic night at McMurphy’s. None of our planned vacations or visits materialized. Mac missed the first, when a case fell apart, forcing her to cancel her trip abroad. I understood that obligation came first, but it didn’t hurt any less as I cancelled a romantic dinner at the best restaurant in London and placed the velvet pouch back in my drawer. The next ‘get-away’ fell victim to me, a last-minute summons to Washington from political muckity-mucks, insistent on discussing the war in Iraq over a break in Congress. A joint meeting of top JAG personnel in D.C was our next bet. I arrived early with ring in-tow; Mac was delayed by a high-profile murder case and bad weather over the Midwest states. Turns out, we missed each other by mere minutes in the airport, as I urgently boarded a plane for the return trip to London…apparently, ambassadors are unimpressed with personal commitments and love.

The last clandestine rendezvous was planned weeks in advance. I booked a small villa in southern Italy just outside Naples. Seven beautiful days and eight glorious nights overlooking the Mediterranean Sea…just the two of us…no phones, no faxes, no interruptions of any kind. A honeymooners’ retreat. This was to be it…the perfect moment in time. I tenaciously refused to acknowledge any delays or excuses. I had the ring. I bought her dress. I arranged a small romantic service in a quaint chapel at the outskirts of town. I planned to sweep her off her feet. No chance to say ‘no’, backpedal or postpone. I decided this was to be fate’s ‘final hoorah.’ She was to meet me in London then travel together to Italy.

The call came just as I folded the last of my attire into a small leather satchel. Granted, my garment preparation was light, but who needed a suitcase full of clothing which you never intended to wear? I closed my eyes and offered a prayer of supplication as the number flashed on Caller ID. You guessed it…she had to cancel. A summons from the SecNav and General Cresswell aborted her flight beyond D.C. A major project, great rewards, a possible promotion…an influential senator requested only her. I listened as she chattered on with excitement, not really hearing another word. My gaze was transfixed across the room, as I watched a rainbow a colors dance over the wall. The diamond shone brilliantly in the afternoon sun. I nodded in silence and mumbled a few indiscriminate “uh-huh’s” as my wedding plans turned to dust. Then as if in an omen of portent, fate reared up its vindictive head of spite. Cloud-cover tuned the sky to gray, and the heavens opened up in a torrent of mocking rain. The brilliant sparkle of the diamond rainbow was snuffed out in a moment of dark…and in the span of a breath the dream died. I couldn’t withstand the disappointment one minute more. The knife of love cut too deep and sliced too wide. This was the exact reason I had been afraid to let go lo those many years…my lifeline snapped, my body twitched, my heart plunged to its death.

I tried to explain over her gut-wrenching tears and pleas for more time…another chance. “No,” was the final proclamation ripped my heart, “…it was all too hard and fraught with disappointment. The loss cut too deep. I had survived the separation of flying, Brumby, the Paraguay mess and my exile to the dark side, but this… this was too much. I’d given my soul to her on that night, and now, there was no way left to survive.” I hang up the phone, then noticed with detached fascination the blood spilling over my palm. As I swiped the sticky red substance from the wound, I marveled at the perfect circle branded in my palm and cast the diamond solitaire aside.

“Harm?”

The sound of a voice barely penetrates the haze of my memories.

“Admiral Rabb?!”

I register the quizzical laugh in her voice just a moment before the zinging warmth of her touch. Even after all these years, the mere glance of her finger still ignites a blazing flame across my skin.

“Hey Sailor, you still with us? You look like your mind is half a world away.”

I rapidly blink my eyes to clear the fog as her words register through the dazed memories of my past. She has no idea the truth she speaks, or even more that she’s decades too late. I shift my attention to the beautiful woman grinning before me, decked out in formal military attire adorned with gold stars proclaiming her rank. I flash her an apologetic smile, as my gaze settles on hers. And somehow, I’m lost the fathomless warmth of those deep brown eyes once more. How is it possible after all these years that she can still mesmerize me?

I must have zoned out once again, because now her chuckle has grown to a full-fledged laugh. I roll my eyes while attempting hide the blush of my cheeks behind a well-placed hand.

“Sorry Mac, I guess the events of tonight are causing me to get lost among old memories.”

“All of them good, I hope?” she cocks her head and flashes a smile in that flirting way which always made my heart sing.

“Mostly,” I remain a bit circumspect.

“You’re okay with this, right?” her face exudes concern. “Didn’t you really want all this?” her hand gestures around the ornately decorated room. “I know the pomp and circumstance is a bit over the top, but Jen thought…”

“It’s fine, Mac,” I try to put her at ease. When the shadow of worry deepens to form lines her brow, I toss a distraction in her path, “Hey, how are the kids?”

Her frown softens to a smile, “They’re great! Probably eating me out of house and home even as we speak, and don’t get me started on their path of destruction.”

I breathe a sigh of relief as the diversion works, “That’s good to hear. At least, they’re no longer upset over being left out of tonight’s festivities. Although,” a grimace puckers my mouth, “I’d be a little worried about the insurance on the house.”

She chuckles nervously at the prospect, “By the way, Mandie asked me to give Uncle Harm her love.”

I smile at my conjured-up image of the 10-year old whirlwind of terror. She certainly takes after her mother. “She’ll be asleep by the time you get home.” An expression of relief floats across Mac’s face. “You’ll have to give her a kiss from her Uncle Harm in the morning.”

“I will…” her voice trails off when she realizes I’m lost in thought again.

“Harm?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Mmmm,” my eyes are riveted back on the intriguing couple across the room.

Her hand drifts up arm and begins to straighten the shoulder board fastened there. Task complete, her fingers lightly brush away some imaginary lint as they glide over my golden stars and JAG insignia. Did I mention, this was never how I thought my life would turn out?

“Harm, you’re starting to worry me. What’s so fascinating across the room, or am I just unwelcome company tonight?”

I can hear the tone of disappointment in her voice. I give my mind a mental shake, and focus my attention back on her. If she only knew…how wrong she was.

“If I only knew what?”

That snaps my concentration back full force. Did I actually say that out loud? “Nothing…it’s ah…nothing,” I stutter over my words.

“Come on, Flyboy…SPILL!”

I sigh with resignation knowing there’s no chance for escape. And everyone thought I was the tenacious one! Give her a bone, and well…let’s just say, she’s been known to growl and bare teeth. Is it any wonder the marine mascot is a bulldog? Probably best not to mention that thought right now.

“Harm!”

“Sorry,” my eyes dart away, “…it’s just that…”

“Just what?” her eyes are soft with concern.

“Look at that couple across the room.”

“What?”

“Over there,” I gesture subtly with my head toward the far wall, indicating with my eyes the enchanting pair locked in each other’s arms.

“What about them?” her eyes reflect bemused confusion.

“Just watch’em.” In a rapid motion, her eyes flick toward the couple before settling back on mine. A smile plays at the corner of mouth and I realize she doesn’t understand. Or maybe she thinks I’ve finally lost my mind.

“Don’t you see it?” I whisper in a conspiratorially voice. Her eyebrow quirks in that, ‘I’m a Marine…Don’t’ Mess with Me,’ challenge sort of way. The expression tells me; she’s giving me just enough rope to hang myself. I swallow hard trying to figure out how best to broach the subject and explain my fascination.

“Sailor?”

Whoooa, I didn’t know her eyebrow could climb that high. “Mac, look at ‘em!” I utter in a stage whisper. “When did they have time to be that happy?”

“’They’,” she emphasizes the word on my behalf, “…didn’t have to find time. They just are.”

I duck my face from her questioning view, and run a finger over my lower lip deep in thought. I’m not sure I want to get into the lunacy of all this with her.

“Harm?” her voice drops lower with worry. “I thought this was what you wanted? Your retirement…stepping aside…trying something new?” She drops her hand to my arm in encouragement, “Come on, talk to me…I’m still your best friend. You can be honest with me…I promise to try and understand.”

I shrug, maybe I am a bit uncertain of what tomorrow holds. “A lot of things in my life are about to change, Mac. Maybe, you’re right…I do need to confide in my best friend.”

“I’m here for you,” the worry lines melt into a supportive smile. “Now, tell me what’s wrong? Is this about the retirement? Or…” her smile turns mischievous, “…are you afraid you’ll get under foot and drive your poor wife crazy?”

“I have it on good authority that my wife enjoys having me around,” I counter back, flashing a cocky flyboy.

“Okaaaay…is it because your youngest is about to fly the coup for the Academy next week?”

“Noooo,” I throw my head back in laughter, “…Jocie will be just fine. It’s the Naval Academy I’m worried about…they won’t know what hit them when the youngest member of the Rabb clan descends on their door. Her brother and sister are near saints compared to my youngest little hellion.”

“So, if it’s not your retirement or the prospect of an empty nest…what’s wrong?” Her shoulders are weighted in uncertainty and her eyes drop to the floor, “Is it your wife?”

***

Continued in Part 1b

Dangling Over the Edge – Part 1b

“Maaaaac,” I draw out her name in a whisper, my fingers trailing up her arm, “…really look at ‘em. What do ya see?”

She lifts her head to casts a casual glance, not wishing to get caught. Chewing her bottom lip, she wrinkles her nose in that cute way that tells me she’s unsure. “I don’t know?”

“Yes, you do,” I calmly assure.

“She looks…old,” she shrugs again, “…he, on the other hand, is handsome, distinguished…sexy…”

“Hey! Don’t insult my wife!” My rebuke is swift, before I temper my outburst with a smile. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to raise my voice, but I don’t take kindly to anyone…especially you,” I peg her with a glare, which quickly melts in intensity, “…voicing untrue opinions.”

My gaze drifts toward the rear wall, and my features morph to a look of devotion, “The woman I see is breathtakingly beautiful both inside and out. She exudes strength and honor. But even more important, if you dig beneath all those layers of military accomplishment and excellence, you’ll find a woman devoted to her family and friends. Someone who selflessly puts others first. An exceptional wife and mother. An unwavering best friend.”

I tip my head toward the dancing pair, “I think it’s him who’s lucky to have found her. And by the way,” my eyes turn smoky gray, hungry and smoldering, “…I think she’s sexy as hell.”

A beautiful blush rises up her cheek, and she ducks her face in embarrassment. Clearing her voice to regain control, she gifts me with her soft Sarah smile. My heart begins to race and flutter about my chest; her Sarah smile always has that effect on me. Did I mention it’s my absolute favorite? I breathe slowly and deeply trying to control my instinctive response before I can embarrass myself.

“You’re hardly impartial,” she cups my cheek, and my heart gallops wildly when her thumb caresses my heated skin. I know I should be upset by this break in decorum, but what the heck. I could never deny her anything when she gives me ‘that’ look. If she asked me right now to jump out the window and run buck-naked around Herndon Monument...my only answer would be, ‘How Many Times?!’

“As I was saying,” the side of her mouth turns up in amusement, and I know I’ve been caught, “…you’re hardly impartial. After all, your eyes are clouded by love.”

The rest of the room disappears from view, as I focus all my attention on the beautiful woman in my arms. “Yes, they are,” I whisper back with a soft intimate smile. My eyes melt into hers and we wordlessly exchange identical sentiments of love. I can’t seem to help myself tonight, leaning forward to steal a tender kiss full of devotion; I pull her deeper within my embrace. My hand glides up her back to splay in her hair. Military decorum be damned!

“Um, sweetheart?” She doesn’t fight my affection, but I can tell she’s uncomfortable with this obvious break in our military façade. She’s a highly decorated marine officer and the Chief Trial Judge, after all. Reluctantly, I relax my hold and resume the ‘proper’ distance for dancing…well, in a room full of military personnel that is. At home, behind closed doors, is whole nuther story.

“Harm, tell me what’s going on? I haven’t seen you this distracted and out of sorts for a long time.” Her eyes beg me for answers, before settling on the large mirror at the back of the room. She continues to question me with a stare in the mirror’s reflection. When I don’t answer, she sighs in frustration, “You’ve spent the past 35 minutes watching us in that mirror, like some disinterested third party, rather than actually interacting with your wife.”

My fingers slide up her neck and gentle turn her face toward me, “Not disinterested, Mac…not once, never, EVER, could I be described as disinterested in you.” My eyes bore into hers, “I was staring at that couple across the room, because I was fascinated by how happy they seem…”

“ARE,” she interrupts.

“ARE,” I nod my agreement. “It’s just that sometimes we get so busy in our day-to-day living that we don’t always take the time to appreciate and savor that with which we’ve been blessed. I caught our reflection in the mirror tonight, and I was amazed at how ‘right’ we look. I don’t know how else to explain it,” I shrug, “…comfortable, content, but completely captivated and enthralled with one another. It’s like no one else in this room exists outside the two of us.”

Her eyes soften once more, “I think that’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said.”

I can hear the tears threatening in her voice, and slide my hand down to capture hers. “Wanna take a walk with we me?”

“Where?”

“Outside, there’s a private garden a little ways back.”

“Are you sure we should leave?” her hand tightens in mine.

“Mac, it’s our retirement party. I don’t think anyone’s gonna mind if we take some time to reminisce.” I slip my arm loosely around her waist, “Come on, sweetheart…keep me company.”

We slowly traverse the room pausing to greet well-wisher along our path. Finally arriving at the door, we step out onto the terrace and inhale deeply in the clear night air. I love a good party as well as the next guy, but the atmosphere can become stifling and over-bearing. My arm slips from her waist to grasp her hand. Intertwining our fingers, I lift her wrist to my lips. My kiss has the desired effect and she shivers in the night air.

The evening sky is clear and beautifully lit by millions of stars overhead. She pauses beside the bench on the lower terrace, “Do you wanna walk or sit down and take a break?”

“I’d prefer to walk, if you don’t mind? That is if your feet can handle it. If you’re tired we can sit…but not there,” I peer at the bench uncomfortably as if it might bite. That too brings back a memory of missed opportunity from our past.

She slips closer to my side, and waits for me to lead the way. “So what’s with the bench?”

“Memories,” I murmur with a lot more composure than I feel.

“All right, Sailor…you promised to tell me what’s up.”

“In a minute, the garden’s just up ahead,” I point down the limestone path illuminated by landscape lanterns and moonlight, “…let’s just enjoy the evening and each other for a while.”

We settle into our walk in comfortable silence born of years of companionship. I love that we don’t always have to talk to enjoy spending time together. Sometimes it’s nice just to be. The air is pleasantly cool for a June evening, although the humidity remains a bit high. I can smell the fragrance of lilacs and magnolias intermingling with an array of other flowers.

As we arrive at our destination, I escort her under an elaborate arbor covered in a canopy of fragrant wisteria blooms. The confines of the garden are intimate and small. A circle of azaleas, boxwood and gardenias border it on all sides, while roses and bright perennials add splashes of color to enliven the green. A small bubbling fountain with playful cherubs is the crowning jewel at the center of the retreat. Our heels softly click against the well-worn cobblestones beneath our feet.

She spins in silence studying the foliage that surrounds. The quietness adds to the reverence and beauty of the space. I, on the other hand, take the opportunity to study her, this woman who I love more than life itself. The strands of twinkle lights adorning the surrounding trees provide a soft blush to the ambiance and enhances the moonlit night. I follow the subtle glow as it dances in the sparkle of her eyes. She thinks she’s getting old, as reflected by her earlier remark. It’s not the first time she’s made that observation. I, however, think she grows more beautiful with each passing day. How is that our eyes conjure-up such different images of the same magnificent view?

“Harm?”

I shake away the bizarre menagerie of thoughts that seem to have invaded my mind tonight. “Yes sweetheart?”

“Enough stalling,” she turns to me fully, but stands just out of reach.

“Okay,” I release a nervous sigh, “…but I need you to come closer first.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I’d like to dance with my wife,” I extend a hand to grasp hers.

“I thought that’s what we were doing?” She releases an amused chuckle that sounds like music in the night air.

“No, no…that’s wasn’t dancing,” I counter and pull her close.

“Then what would you call it?”

She settles against me, not a whisper of breath between. I kiss her hand and place it on my chest. Her face automatically seeks the warmth of my neck and my cheek the softness of her hair.

“Now ‘this’ is dancing!” I reply with utter contentment.

“Mmmm, dis’s niiiice,” her mumbled words fan my skin and goosebumps skitter in their wake.

I softly hum the melody to our favorite tune, while crickets and cicada provide the rhythmic beat. We sway to and fro, gliding round and round while fireflies light our midst. After untold minutes of magical bliss, I sigh to break the spell.

“Sarah?”

“I can hear you thinking, you know.”

“No you can’t…I think very quietly.”

“Hah,” she pulls back just enough to study my face.

“About tonight, I guess I just got caught up in the nostalgia of it all. I started thinking about retirement and…ends.”

“Ends? There’s no end. Yes, we’re retiring, but there so much more for us to experience and do.”

“I know,” my lips wander over the warm skin of her forehead, “…but retirement is an ending of sorts.”

“You don’t wanna retire?”

“Yes, it’s time to move on…say goodbye. Besides, I’m looking forward to new opportunities. But that said, tonight got me thinking about other goodbyes in our life.”

“Such as…”

“You know, I never should’ve gotten here.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was remembering that night over twenty years ago, when we said goodbye at McMurphy’s and headed to opposite ends of the world.”

“But that night wasn’t about goodbyes, it was about discovery and new starts.”

“Granted, but,” I shake my head in frustration, “…I don’t know how to explain this.” I nervously rub my forehead, “See, this was why I didn’t wanna tell you. I knew you wouldn’t understand.”

“Hold on…clearly, this is important to you. I’m not going anywhere; so take the time to sort things out in your mind. I’m here to listen no matter what.”

Her fingers curl into the hair at my temple and gently rub in that soothing manner she knows I like so well. We’re better at communicating now…we both take the time to listen as well as speak, not just react.

“Actually, I was never supposed to get this far.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was supposed to resign my commission for you…I never should’ve achieved this rank or gotten to this end.”

Her brow wrinkles in confusion, “You didn’t wanna stay in the Navy? I thought you loved the last twenty years?”

“I did,” my eyes light up, “…I wouldn’t change anything about our live!”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“There is no problem! That isn’t what this is about.”

She squeezes her eyes tightly, “All right, Sailor…you’re not making any sense.” She opens her eyes to glare at me in challenge, “You’re not about to utter those famous Rabb words, ‘You know the reason,’ are you? Because I thought I broke you of that habit.”

“No!” I can’t help but laugh at her expression.

“Harmon Rabb!”

Oh crap, I’m treading on thin ice now. “Okay, let me start over. This has nothing to do with resigning commissions, retirement or any of that stuff. Those things just started me thinking about how our life could’ve ended…differently.” Her eyebrows are doing that quirky thing again, “And before you get worried, I wouldn’t change anything, sweetheart. I couldn’t have asked for a better life.”

“Then what’s all this about?!”

“This is about the coin toss, the general circumventing our plans, our heartrending goodbye in the parking lot, the way things almost fell apart,” I pause to take a breath. “Does that make sense?”

“Let me see if I can interpret all that ‘Rabb-speak’,” she flashes a grin to assure me she’s not mad. “Because tonight involves an end, it got you reminiscing about how everything could’ve ended differently.” I’m nodding my head. “About how our goodbye at McMurphy’s could’ve been a final goodbye?”

“Yes.”

“About how everything almost blew up in our faces?”

“Yes!”

“About how you almost gave up?”

“Yesss,” it comes out on a whispered breath; my head bowed in shame.

“Sweetheart,” she runs her fingers over my cheek, “…that’s all past history. We worked it out over twenty years ago.”

“I know, but when I caught our reflection in the mirror tonight…it just hit me how insanely happy we are, and how lucky we’ve been.” I gaze into her eyes, “I’m so glad you came back to rescue me. I can’t imagine surviving my life, much less, living it, enjoying it…without you.”

“You’re welcome,” she continues caressing my cheek, “…but the feeling’s mutual. You rescued me just as much as I rescued you. It’s what we always did, and still do…neither of us is any good without the other.”

“Yeah, but Mac…in London, I was so messed up.”

“No more than me after Paraguay or…well, let’s just leave it at that.”

“But how did you know? After all that I said to you, why did you come back?”

“That’s easy,” she smiles, “…because I loved you, because I wasn’t any good without you. When I called to tell you I had to delay my trip, because of a new assignment…”

“I lost it,” I bow my head, “…I knew fate had somehow spoken, but I interpreted it all wrong.”

“Well, you didn’t have all the facts, nor did you give me much chance to explain.”

“No, I jumped to the erroneous conclusion that the military would always be the most important thing in your life,” I’m scathing in the rebuke of myself.

“We both had a hand in that misunderstanding, sweetheart. Our new commands were so labor consuming; we didn’t make time for each other. Funny how the one thing that almost drove us apart was intended to do just the opposite. That’s why I jumped at the opportunity.”

“And I would’ve understood too, if I’d just given you a half a chance to explain,” I mumble the words.

“You should’ve seen the SecNav and Cresswell’s face when I went all ‘postal’ on ‘em. By all rights, I should’ve end up in the brig,” she’s grinning now. “Luckily, Senator Vaughn’s pet project was intended to explore ways to bring military families closer together not break’em apart. It wouldn’t have gone over too well, if her lead military liaison’s own marriage was a victim trampled for the cause. She saved me from the SecNav’s wrath. And Dora Cresswell? Let’s me just say, I’ve never seen another woman since who could bring down her man with a single glare. He was toast! There was actually smoke coming off his six. No doubt who wore the pants in that family!” She’s laughing heartily by the end of her tale.

I join in her mirth, “I’m just happy they both loaded you in the senator’s limousine and made sure you caught the first flight out.”

“You scared the hell out of me that day,” her expression sobers. “Harm, I wasn’t sure I was gona reach you…you were so…”

“Dead.”

“I remember arriving at your flat and banging on the door. I’d tried to reach by phone for hours, but it kept rolling over to voice mail. Then you wouldn’t answer the door. I finally tried the knob, figuring what the heck, only to find it unlocked. The landlord was lucky I didn’t take down the door. All I knew was I had to get to you…to make you understand.”

Tears flash in her eyes and I know she’s lost in the memories of that day just as I had been before. “The apartment was so dark and lifeless. At first, I thought you weren’t home. I noticed a dim light in the kitchen, but when I went to investigate…all I found was an empty bottle of bourbon and a shattered glass.”

Her eyes are haunted now, “I slowly made way back through the living room, which was immersed in the smell of stale cigar smoke. I wandered down the back hall, checking each room. The first bedroom was empty, then the bath…”

Her breathing hitches, “When I opened the last door, I found you lying face down on the bed. There was blood on a rag under your hand. I called your name, but you didn’t move. I touched your cheek and it was so cold. I whispered a prayer to God, begging him to let you be all right. Then when I leaned in closer still…I wanted to shout for joy when I noticed your chest moving with steady breaths. But you still wouldn’t acknowledge me or open your eyes.”

“I told you, Mac…I felt like I was dead. I could never do anything intentionally to hurt myself or take my life, but it still felt as though I’d lost my only reason to live. That was why it took me so many years to finally let go…I knew when I did, it would be all or nothing. You were buried so deep within me by then that you had literally become a part of me. You were my heart…my soul. I knew I’d never survive if we failed and you walked away.”

“I remember lying down on the bed beside you and taking you into my arms. You tried to pull away, but I wouldn’t let you…I had to make you understand I was still there. That you were the most important thing in my life…none of the rest of it mattered a wit, if I didn’t have you.”

“For me either,” I gather her close and place a kiss atop her head, “…it’s just, I’d made all those plans…then convinced myself that fate had spoken when they didn’t work out.”

She runs her hands soothingly up and down my back, “Problem was…you forgot to tell me. My dear sweet man, you planned that whole Italian vacation…a wedding…and I had no idea. I didn’t understand what I almost risked losing until it was nearly gone.”

“Lucky for me, you don’t give up,” I fist my fingers in her hair and gently tilt her face back to my view, “…and they say Rabbs are tenacious.”

“I learned from the best,” her eyes glisten with love, “…I just knew I wanted you…anyway I could have you…no matter what it took.”

“And our Italian wedding turned out just as wonderful as I’d imagined,” I bury my face in her neck.

“Once I got you out of bed…” her voice has a hint of laughter.

I chuckle against her skin, “Yeah, but then I spent the rest of the honeymoon keeping you there.”

She lifts my mouth to hers and whispers back, “I don’t think I put up much of a struggle.” Her lips nibble on mine, “I was finally where I’d always wanted to be.”

I sigh into her mouth with contentment before deepening the kiss; she knows me so well. I pull her closer still trying to find a way inside…to the other half of my soul. This evening has been a difficult journey into the past, and I cherish even more that which I almost lost. She answers back, delving deeper, taking me in, renewing me…making me whole. Hand-in-hand, we travel further still, transcending space and time to arrive at our mystical place…hearts together beat as one.

When we finally pull back, gasping for breath, our eyes are dazed. We cling to one another, seeking our pillar of strength. “Wow,” she sighs with awe between panting breaths, “…you haven’t…kissed me…like that…in a long while.” Her breathing starts to meter out, “Not since…” her eyes dart to and fro, searching for an elusive answer. “Umm…that night at McMurphy’s…in the parking lot.”

I smile in relief knowing I captured the moment perfectly.

“You were so intense then…it was like you were trying to…” The word floats just out of reach. I watch her search further still, and then I see the glint of recognition dawn in her eyes. “It was like you were trying to claim me...become a part of me.”

“I was,” I tuck my face along side hers and whisper in her ear, “…you were already apart of my soul. I needed to make sure I held the same place in hers. I wanted to make sure you couldn’t live without me. No matter the time, location or space, we had to be one.”

“We always were,” her lips brush a kiss to my ear, “…even when we were apart, we always were.”

She drops her full weight into my arms emotionally spent, and I happily accept my lot. We remain that way swaying in the moonlight serenaded by the sounds of nature.

She finally pulls back with a pout of disappointment, “I guess we should get back to our party.”

I grace her with my best flyboy grin. “What do you say we pull a Chegwidden and sneak out the back door?” my eyes sparkle with mischief.

“Harm, we shouldn’t…”

“Oh come on, spoilsport…I have big plan for the rest of the night,” I tug on her hand dragging her behind me.

“And just what might those be?” She digs in her heels halting my progress.

I sigh in mock frustration, “If you must know, I plan to spend the rest of the night ravaging my wife.”

“Oh yeah? I thought you had an early meeting at the Pentagon?” she counters in her best lawyer stance.

“It’s not important,” I wave her off. “It’s like the last day of school…you never really do any work.”

“It’s your change of command!” she squeaks with exasperation.

“So what are you saying? You’re not up to the challenge?” I cross my arms over my chest in that infuriating way that drives her crazy.

“Excuse me?!” Her eyebrows hit the heavens.

“Come on, Mac…just for tonight let’s throw caution to the wind and be young again.”

She shakes her head at me, but I still catch the gleam of excitement in her eye. “Listen Sailor, you’re not the one who has to get Chloe and her brood to the airport in the morning. You know Mandie’s a handful under the best of circumstances. Then I have to take Jocelyn shopping for all her last minute school stuff…”

“Mac…”

“Of course, I haven’t even started making preparations for a our trip to Italy in two weeks…”

“Sarah…”

“…I mean, there’s a lot to do when you’re gonna be out of the country for two months…”

“YOUR HONOR!”

That stops her tirade. “Mac, we’ll get it all done together…like we always do. Besides, how much ‘stuff’ do we really need for Italy? We’re gonna be sailing the Mediterranean for six weeks. Just you and me, a sailboat, and a few swimsuits,” I casually toss her a glance.

“I think we’re gonna need to bring a lot more than that!”

I would love to kiss that superior ‘wifely’ expression right off her face, but instead I think I’ll settle for this, “Oh, you’re right, Mac…of course, you’ll need a dress for the wedding ceremony.”

“What wedding?”

Oh yeah, that did it. “Didn’t I mention that I arranged for us to renew our vows at that same little church in the village?”

“No,” her eyes flush with tears. “Oh Sailor, you amaze me sometimes.”

“Just sometimes?”

“But the kids won’t be there,” the first of the tears escapes down her cheek.

I pull her into my arms and brush away the drop with my thumb, “Sweetheart, they weren’t there the first time.”

“I know but…” her lip trembles.

“Sarah, we can have another wedding, here in the states, with all the pomp and circumstance, if that’s what you want. I’m not talking about a large social gathering you arrange for family and friends. What I’m suggesting is a private ceremony with an intimate renewal of vows between two people, hopeless in love and committed for eternity…to love, honor and cherish to our last breath.”

“I love you, Sailor,” she whispers against my lips. “Semper fidelis.”

“I love you too, sweetheart. Faithful…always and forever,” I whisper back, before losing myself in the sweetness of her kiss once more.

*

Over the years, the good times have by far outweighed the bad. I used to believe you had to work for happiness, although that may have had something to do with my childhood fears. I learned at a young age that good things disappear forever in the blink of an eye, no matter how hard you wish or how much you try. Consequently, I spent an inordinate amount of my adulthood chasing an elusive dream, which seemed always just out of reach. Then just when I’d almost given up hope and quit trying, the Heavens unfolded and sent down my ray of sunshine dressed in a most unexpected package. I can’t say I surrendered from the start, lessons past are hard to overcome…but finally, I just sat down and let Fate take a hand. And I’ve never regretted a moment of it since. Mac was right, even way back then; we don’t have to find time to create our bliss…we just are.

When it comes to the subject of ‘happily ever afters’, I think Hawthorne said it best, "Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."

So in the end, I got my fairytale ending and so much more. This humble knight did indeed slay his dragons and win the hand of the beautiful queen. And at bedtime, we lovingly shared our ‘happily ever after’ tales with the children of our land. Romantic adventures in times of yore and far off lands. Wild escapades involving ships and planes, and battles won. And in each and every one of those courageous tales, the king and queen were triumphant. For you see…happiness really is that simple. She rescues me, and I rescue her. And for all eternity…love reigns true.

The End…