Author: TR
Subject: HBX Challenge for July 2008 FF: To Never say Goodbye

This is in response to HBX July 2008 Challenge. Mac and Harm are together, but not married, separated by duty stations. This is just a very short insight into what’s going on in one of their heads the hours after they’re once again pulled apart.

It’s unedited, and unbetaed. All mistakes are my own.

To never say Goodbye
By TR
Rated Mild.


Sitting here on my bed, laptop in my lap, more of the same political rhetoric on TV, all manner of house noises around me, I hear nothing. I feel nothing, but the pull of you inside me. Crying out, trying, striving, struggling to keep the connection that has once again been stretched from my little apartment to the other side of the earth. From me to you. I hear you, I feel you, I see you behind my eyes, in my heart, in my mind. I already miss you too. And I’ll never stop loving you either.

I watch my hand reach down, pluck a grape from the bowl sitting next to me on the bed and bring it to my mouth. Eating something, just as you told me to, before I left you in the airport. My hand drops, the grape explodes between my teeth, and I feel nothing. Taste nothing. And all I can think, all I can wonder, is how it’s possible that my heart is still beating, my lungs are still breathing, my eyes still seeing. That I’m still living and sitting here without you. I still can’t quite grasp that I’m alone. That if I get up from this bed and open my bedroom door that you’re not going to be sitting on my couch. That I won’t feel that tripping erratic thump of my heart at the sight of you, at the feeling of your hand on my arm, and the pressure of your head on my shoulder. That my heartbeat won’t settle in and match the rhythm of yours simply because you’re near me. And I wonder not for the first time, if I’m the only one feeling this way. If you’ve ever had your life turned upside down, ever had your heart stop, simply because I walked into the room. Into your life. Every time I see you, the connection grows stronger, and after so many years I wonder how we’re going to survive this the next time around. When we get the time, the money, the opportunity to see each other again. To sleep in each other’s arms.

I remember everything about you, and it’s the only thing that comforts me. The curve of your jaw, the beauty of your eyes, the fan of your lashes. The breeze in your hair as we talked and ate and laughed at the rooftop café. Your smile. And I wish I’d told you more often how amazing, and beautiful, and precious you are to me. And I hope against hope that I’ll get the opportunity to tell you again, if you can stay safe and healthy and connected to me. If fortune turns her wheel in my direction, and you’re once again in the room with me, I’ll do better by you next time. Next time you won’t leave with any questions in your eyes. Next time, if I play my cards right, you won’t leave at all. That thought, though so out of reach, makes me smile just for a moment.

We knew this would happen. We knew we didn’t have much time. We knew you’d have to go back to your duty station, and I back to mine. That we’d have to live day to day without each other until kaleidoscope of our lives twists and turns and moves us together once again. How is it that knowing doesn’t make my heart break any less? I wish I’d had the courage, the recklessness, to toss away every responsibility, every duty, every personal tie I have here to follow you wherever you went. But we both knew I couldn’t, neither of us could. We fight for freedoms, for ideals, for a greater good that is so much more than the two of us. Though sitting here, with your scent still on my sheets, on my hands, with the image of your teary eyes burned on my brain, I can’t for the life of me bring myself to believe that anything is more important, more amazing, more phenomenal than the two of us. I feel you in my soul. You’re a part of me, as you have been from day one. And that’s how I know, that we’ll be okay. That as much as this hurts now, we’ll make it work. That despite all the obstacles in our way, I love you. I love you, and someday we won’t have to say goodbye.

End of scene…Good? Bad? Intussusception? Let me know.