Henya
Subject: June 2006 Challenge - Choices

A/N – This is in response to Cece’s June challenge. It is set at the end of Adrift II and assumes that Renee’s father didn’t die and she is not in the apartment when Mac gets there. Maybe I should have called this Adrift 2 ½.

Disclaimers as usual.

Choices

Dulles International Airport

Mac felt as though her heart would break into a million pieces. Despite the numerous travelers that surrounded her, it seemed as if she were all alone. Tears began to well up into her eyes as she walked down the corridor leading away from the gate in which Mic had just disappeared. She looked down and saw her cell phone in her hand and as though on autopilot, she dialed his number. The phone rang just a bit more than once before she heard him answer.

Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station

Harm was lying on his bed trying to relax. His body was still sore in so many places that even though he relished being home and in his own bed, he still was having trouble getting comfortable. He wondered if his lack of comfort had only to do with his injuries or if it was the fact that he couldn’t get Mac out of his mind.

Suddenly the phone rang. He reached over and grabbed it as quickly as his ailing body would allow.

“Hello.”

“He’s gone. He wouldn’t even speak to me.” She had trouble keeping the emotion out of her voice. She hardly knew what she was doing.

Harm sat up slightly. “Hey, hey. Don’t blame yourself for this. Brumby has always acted impulsively. It was just a matter of time.”

Not believing what she was hearing she answered, “What are you saying?”

“This isn’t going to make it hurt any less. But it’s better now than six months into the marriage.”

“Ok. I’m hanging up now.” This was not going the way she thought it would. She needed comfort, not criticism.

Alarmed, Harm quickly responded, “Mac. Where are you going?”

“I don’t know,” her voice quivered with the tears she was trying to hold at bay.

“Come to me.”

“Why?”

“So we can talk.”

Mac stopped walking. Incredulously she said, “We’ve already talked.”

“Don’t argue with me.”

“I need a better reason.”

“You know the reason.”

Caught off guard at this, Mac’s heart started beating so wildly that she felt as though it would jump right out of her chest. She stood in stunned silence for a moment and quietly let her breath out.

“Mac.”

“Yeah, I’m, I’m here.”

“I’m waiting.”

Mac sighed heavily and let the phone drop from her ear.

Harm hung up and could only hope that she would come.

Dulles International Airport

Mac walked to her car seemingly with blinders on and was amazed that she not only found the short term parking lot but also that she actually found her car. She was numb from Mic soundlessly walking away and overwhelmed at what Harm said on the phone. What did he mean? What would he say once she got to his apartment? Would she even go? Could she? Fear, longing, and confusion flooded her mind all at the same time.

She started the car, paid the parking attendant, and headed onto the Dulles Access Road eastbound toward DC. As she drove she had to constantly remind herself to pay attention. But her mind was so consumed with what had happened and what would happen next, she struggled to concentrate and focus.

Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station

Harm sat impatiently waiting to see if she would come. His heart went out to her. He knew what it felt like to loose someone you love, even if that someone was Brumby. He didn’t know where the night would lead them but at this point, he was willing to see, come what may.

He wouldn’t push her. He knew that she was in a bad emotional place. But he craved her. He knew that her pain was in part caused by him and that was something he couldn’t bear. And after all, he was lucky to be alive because of her. They had a bond. They couldn’t deny that anymore. But where would it lead them? Would it be together or apart?

He was trying to remember how long it had been since they hung up when the phone rang again. Harm got to it as fast as he could thinking it was Mac.

“Hello.” The sound of anxiety was clear in his voice.

“Harm? You ok?”

“Renee? Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry about that. What’s the matter?”

“Uh, my father had a slight heart attack.”

“Is he ok?”

“Yeah. He’s in the hospital but they expect him to go home in the next day or so. I’m going to fly out tomorrow to see him.”

Slightly panicked, he asked, “You want me to go with you?”

“No, Harm. You rest and get better. I think a short break may do us some good anyway. I’m really sorry about this afternoon. I’m not sure what my problem is.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it.”

“I’ll call you when I get back.”

“How long are you going to stay?”

“I’m not sure. But don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. You take care of yourself.”

“I will. Have a good trip and call me if you need anything.”

Harm hung up the phone and went back to worrying about Mac.

==========================================================

Mac sat in her car in the parking lot just outside Harm’s building. She had to try and compose herself before she went in. That is, if she went in. Should she? She didn’t want to make another mistake. But was this a mistake? She just didn’t know.

She had taken her time getting to his apartment for a number of reasons but mainly because she didn’t know if it was a smart idea to even go. Her emotional state of being wasn’t exactly sound at the moment. She was hurting from Mic leaving. She was afraid to go to Harm for fear of being rejected even further. She was mad at herself that things had gotten so mixed up. She now could see how unfair she had been to Mic all because she couldn’t be honest with herself. Mic had been so right in what he said to her. But meanwhile, she felt horrible that she had hurt him. She couldn’t blame him for leaving but why did he go so fast? Of course the answer to that was Harm.

Harm. What did she want from him? She knew what she wanted back in Sydney Harbor but what did she want now? She still loved him, would probably always love him. That much was clear. But if things were complicated before, they were doubly, triply complicated now.

Finally, Mac gathered up what little strength and courage she had left, got out of her car, and slowly made her way to his apartment. She tried to keep her breathing slow and even. She didn’t want to fall apart in front of him the moment he opened the door but she wasn’t sure if that was actually possible at this point.

Softly, she knocked.

Harm’s heart jumped when he heard the knock at the door. He struggled for a second to get up and then answered it.

“Hey. You ok?” She looked a wreck. Her hair was tussled, her eyes were bloodshot, the look of sadness on her face broke his heart.

Mac looked down, hardly able to speak. Her voice wavering, she answered, “No, I’m not ok.” At that the tears started pouring out no matter how hard she tried to keep them at bay.

“Mac, come in. Come on. Come here.”

Mac stepped into the apartment. As Harm held her in a warm embrace, Mac tried to slow the stream of tears but found it virtually impossible. Finally, Harm led her to the couch and told her to sit. He then went to the kitchen and got her a glass of water. Gingerly, he sat down next to her on the couch.

“You’re hurting. I really should let you get some rest. It’s so late.” Mac started to get up but Harm caught her by the arm.

“Mac. I’m not letting you go anywhere. I’m just happy you made it here in one piece.”

“Yeah, I’m not actually sure how that happened. I hardly remember the drive.”

Silence ensued for a moment. Harm studied her as she studied the glass in her hand.

Finally, Harm broke the silence. Gently he said, “Tell me about it.”

“Well, I ran to the gate and just as he started to go through I called his name. He turned around and stared at me for a moment and then just walked away.” Mac sighed. “And that was it. Then I called you.”

Again, silence ensued. Mac decided to go on. “So, why exactly am I here?”

“Partly because I don’t think you should be alone.”

“Is there another part?”

Harm looked down and then back at her. Even though she looked as though she had been through hell he still couldn’t help but find her beautiful.

“Yeah, there’s another part.”

“And that part is what exactly?”

“It’s my wanting to help, it’s wanting to be a good friend.”

“Friend. There’s that word again. Friend.”

“I’m not finished.”

“Go on.”

“I’ve had a lot of time to think, once I got my full brain function back that is.” He briefly smiled at her. “Sitting in a hospital bed for hours and hours leaves a lot of time for thought.”

“I would think that Renee would have been enough to make the time fly.”

“Mac,” he drew her name out slightly.

“No, really Harm. Is she still upset that you couldn’t remember your relationship with her?”

“No, at least I don’t think so. Well, I’m not sure. But through it all, I never forgot anything that had to do with you.”

“Is that a good thing?”

“Yeah, that’s a good thing.”

They stared at each other for a moment speechless. Tears burned Mac’s eyes as they sat there together. Harm reached up and brushed a few stray ones aside.

“What can I do for you?”

“I don’t know. I’m so confused. I can’t blame him for leaving. Things haven’t been very good since your accident.”

“How so?”

“Well, you know we cancelled the wedding when you were missing.” She paused. “And then you were found.”

“Thanks to you.”

Mac smiled slightly and went on. “Yeah, well, that’s another story. Anyway, Mic wanted to reschedule for the next weekend after you came home. The church was free. He had done everything that needed to be done. But I couldn’t do it. He was there for me the whole time, you know? He took care of me and I took him for granted. And I let him down.”

“Why? What happened?”

“I don’t know. I think the whole thing about you crashing and being missing and the fact that I might not ever see you again was more than I could bear. But then you were alive. It was like a sign, like someone was trying to tell me something. I was so confused and filled up with conflicting emotions. My head was filled with contradictions and doubts and I just couldn’t go through with it. And the only person to realize exactly what was going on was Mic. I can only imagine how he felt. I feel so horrible about it all. I feel like such a bad person right now.”

“You’re not a bad person. Don’t ever feel that way.”

“It’s hard sometimes. You know what he told me? He told me that I was pleading with him not to leave because I didn’t want to be alone. Not because I loved him.” Mac drew her breath in quickly and continued. “And now he’s gone and I am alone and I’m not sure which one I’m dreading more: him being gone or me being alone.”

“Mac, you’re not alone.”

“Yeah, well, right now I’m here with you but what happens tomorrow? And then next day and the next?”

“Mac.”

“No, really. You have Renee. Your life will go on like nothing happened. I’m back at the beginning not knowing what to do or what to think.”

“Like nothing happened? My life is not the same anymore. My accident is proof of that. And believe it or not, what affects you affects me. Too much has happened between us to think otherwise.”

“I don’t know what to think. You know?” Mac felt her frustration starting to boil over. “We have these conversations in what can almost be defined as code but we never come to any conclusions. We go back and forth, get interrupted, change subjects, and leave each other hanging onto a pile of miscellaneous words. I’m confused. I’m so damn confused with this whole thing. Like you said, we can’t get over what’s between us but really Harm, what the hell is between us? What is it? Do we keep going around in circles forever until one of us can’t take it anymore? Isn’t that what almost happened with me and Mic? That sounds horrible but it’s true. But then it didn’t happen and here we are again, speaking Harm and Mac speak but where does that leave us exactly?” As she spoke, her voice got louder and louder and the tears flowed freely. Suddenly, she started to feel like she was suffocating.

“I need some air. I gotta go.”

“Mac!” Again, Harm struggled to get up but he did and blocked her way in front of the open door. “You can’t go.”

“Why not? I don’t even know why I came here. I can’t take this anymore. Life is choices. And I always seem to make the wrong ones.”

“I’ve made my choice.”

“What choice?”

Harm looked deeply into her eyes.

“Harm, what choice? What are you talking about?”

“I’ve made my choice of who I want to be with. And it’s you. I want to be with you. I need to be with you. You told me that Renee was good for me and I tried to convince myself that you were right but for the life of me I can’t. You want to know what’s good for me? You are. You’re good for me. Even when we’re disagreeing, you’re good for me. You have been my choice for such a long time but I wouldn’t let myself believe it.”

“Are you sure about that? You can’t just say this to me and then tomorrow things go back to the way they were. Are there too many yesterdays clouding your judgment?”

“This is not about the past. This is about the future. If we keep chasing our past, our future’s going to walk right out the door. And I’m not about to let that happen. Not again.” Harm closed the door, led her back to the couch and sat her down.

“Look, Harm, I need time.”

“I know. I don’t want to push you into something you don’t want.”

“Something I don’t want? Harm, I’ve wanted to hear you say something like this for such a long time. But right now, I just don’t think I can deal with this. I’m just so tired.”

“I know. Look, it’s late, we’re both tired. Lie down and rest. Please, stay here. I don’t think you should be driving anymore tonight. I’ll be right back.”

Mac was too exhausted to argue. He returned with one of his t-shirts. He again retreated into his room while she changed into it. She then sat back down on the couch, pulled her legs up to her face so she could rest her head on her knees and closed her eyes. She was virtually asleep when he came back into the room. He stood watching her for a moment and then went to get her a blanket. He gently placed his hands on her shoulders and lowered her to the couch and started to cover her up.

Mac opened her eyes slightly. “I should really go.”

“No. Just rest.”

Mac smiled slightly, closed her eyes, and fell asleep.

A few hours later, she woke with a start not knowing where she was. Suddenly it all came flooding back. Mic’s leaving, her coming to Harm, their conversation. She sat up and took a deep breath. She found a piece of paper and a pen and wrote him a brief note. She then stood up, quickly changed back into her uniform and quietly went into Harm’s bedroom where she stood over him and watched him sleep for a few moments. She leaned down, gave him a light kiss on the forehead and then walked out the door.

When Harm woke up the next morning he went to see if she was ok. All he found was a neatly folded blanket with a piece of paper resting on top.

Harm,

Thanks for being here for me. I’m sorry I left but I really need some time to sort out what’s going on with me.

Mac

Harm stood holding the paper and sighed heavily.

JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia
Two Weeks Later

Harm was feeling better every day and after getting an official ok from the doctor to go back to work, he decided it was time to go visit the Admiral to discuss his return to duty. He also wanted to see Mac. They hadn’t spoken since that night two weeks ago. Every time he called her, she didn’t answer and her answering machine was either broken or unplugged. He didn’t want to push her by stopping by her apartment but at this point, he desperately needed to know that she was ok.

As he walked off the elevator and through the glass doors, he was flooded with well wishers but didn’t see Mac anywhere.

His talk with the Admiral went well. He was going to come back to work starting the following Monday and frankly he couldn’t wait. Sitting around just wasn’t his style.

He stepped back out into the bullpen and headed for Mac’s office. On his way he ran into Harriet.

“Sir! I’m so glad to see you. You look great! How are you feeling?”

“I’m doing great Harriet. I’ll be back to work on Monday.” Nodding towards Mac’s office he asked, Uh, Harriet, do you know…”

“She’s in Norfolk finishing up an investigation. She’s due back in the office later this afternoon. Do you want me to leave her a message?”

“No, I’ll do it. Thanks Harriet.”

“No problem sir.”

Harm walked into Mac’s office which smelled slightly of her scent. It reminded him just how much he missed her. He grabbed a piece of paper from her desk, wrote a brief note, folded it over, and stapled it shut.

A few hours later, Mac walked into her office and saw the piece of paper with “Mac” written in his handwriting laying on her chair. Her heart skipped a beat. She felt guilty that she had been avoiding him these past two weeks but she hadn’t been strong enough to see him. Not yet.

She opened the note, read it, and picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Harm.”

“Hey, Mac. You ok? I haven’t been able to reach you.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I needed to retreat for a while. But I’m ok. So, how are you? How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine. Coming back to work on Monday.”

“That’s great news. Are you ready?”

“I’ve been ready for a while.”

“So, ah, you wanted me to call?”

“Yeah. Will you come over Friday night? After work? For dinner?”

“Why?”

“I want to talk to you.”

“About…”

“About a lot of things. I also, well, I want to see you. I need to know that you’re ok.”

“I’m fine, Harm, really.”

“Mac, please.”

“Ok. I’ll see you on Friday.”

Mac put the phone down wondering how she would get through it.

Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station

Harm was impatiently waiting for Mac to come. He had prepared dinner, lit a few candles, and all he could do now was wait.

Finally, for what seemed like eternity, he heard a soft knock on the door.

He tried not to sprint to answer it. When he opened the door, he saw Mac looking so beautiful to him. She was wearing jeans and a thin, flowered shirt and her eyes sparkled in the candlelight glowing from inside the apartment. He resisted the urge to embrace her.

Mac smiled up at him realizing how much she missed him. He led her into the apartment and she sat down on the couch. Harm told her how he had been cleared to return to duty and that he was loosing his mind sitting around waiting to go back to work. Mac laughed and told him that she could only imagine.

They sat and had a pleasant dinner as Mac caught him up with what was going on at work. They talked in length about the investigation she had just finished. Both of them knew that they were avoiding what they really needed to be talking about.

After dinner, Mac helped Harm clean up and then they went back to sitting on the couch.

“So, tell me. How are you? Are you ok? I’ve been worried about you.”

“I’m ok. I’ve been trying to make peace with myself about Mic. What I did to him is inexcusable. I used him but I really didn’t know it. I allowed myself to get swept away since his feelings seemingly ran so deep and since yours seemingly didn’t.”

“Mac.”

“No Harm. Hear me out. After what happened on the ferry, I told myself that there would never be anything between us other than work and platonic friendship. And I convinced myself into believing it. I had to. And then I spent a lot of time deciding if marrying Mic was the right thing to do and I eventually came to the conclusion that it was the right thing because you and I were never going to have anything. And then the night of my engagement party happened. We had never had such a frank discussion about our relationship before and there were so many loose ends hanging around after the party that I had to force myself to bury the same emotions I fought to suppress when making my decision about Mic all over again. And then your accident happened and I just couldn’t push those emotions down anymore. It became impossible and Mic saw through me like I was transparent.”

“Are you over him?”

“In a way, yes. In a way, no. I’m still not over the idea of him. I know I loved him but on a superficial level. Not the way I know love can and should be when you’re deciding to marry someone.”

“And how should it be?”

“Unconditional. Passionate. Forgiving. Everlasting.”

“And you didn’t feel that with Brumby?”

“How could I? Not when I was feeling that way about someone else all along.”

Mac took a deep breath and continued. “I asked you before what it was that you wanted most. And you said that you never wanted to lose me. You’ve always had me, you know?”

Harm sat staring at Mac digesting what had just been said. His heart was beating fast and he decided that now was the time to return the sentiment.

“I know. And you’ve always had me. I just couldn’t be honest. With myself and with you.”

“Why?”

“I’m not sure entirely. I’ve been my own person for so long and I too have lost people that I loved. I guess I was afraid in some respects. There was something about you from the minute we first met, and it had nothing to do with you’re resemblance to Diane, that made me take stop and take notice. And as time went on, you became more and more to me, more than I was willing to admit. There are a lot of reasons why I couldn’t let go before, some of them clearer than others. I think the main reason was that the depth of my feelings for you scared me. But after what has happened, my accident, you’re broken engagement, I think it’s time to let go, as you’ve suggested to me before.”

“Let go with whom?”

“With you. Remember when I said you were my choice?”

“What about Renee? I don’t think she’s going to like this choice of yours.”

“Renee has already made her choice.”

“What?”

“The night Brumby left, Renee had called me and told me that her father had a heart attack and that she was going home to see him. Well, while she was there, she reconnected with an old boyfriend. They’re engaged.”

Mac stared at him in disbelief. What was happening here? Her head was spinning.

“So, Renee is no longer an issue and even if she hadn’t broken up with me I don’t see that I could have stayed with her. Not when it’s you that I really love.”

At this point, tears were streaming down Mac’s face. Harm reached up and brushed them away while looking deeply into her eyes. Slowly, he leaned over and lightly kissed her lips. She responded and suddenly they were kissing each other in the way each of them had dreamed about but had never let happen before.

Harm pulled back for a moment, gently cupped her face in his hands and tenderly said, “I love you Sarah.”

Mac drew her breath in and responded, “I love you too Harm.”

They smiled fully at each other and passionately showed the other the depth of their love and another side of themselves; a side in which they had yearned for and dreamed of for ages. Never again would they long for anything outside of what they had together for their future lay ahead of them and this time they would not let it escape their grasp.