Author: Staz
Subject: All in - May+June 08 HBX Challenge

Disclaimer: I don’t own them. No infringement of any rights intended.

Author’s Note: This is a fix-it scene to the episode Lawyers, Guns and Money, in season 8, in answer to the HBX Challenge of the months May and June 2008.
All mistakes are mine.

All in

“This has Webb written all over it.”

Why did I come here again? I look up from my hands, where they rest against the black material of my new pregnancy dress and find my answer. Right, my best friend, my partner, I came to say good bye before my mission; to check up on him.

Good plan.

I don’t like the way he’s looking at me right now. I’m not gonna like the words that’ll come from his mouth either. I can tell.

“Why are you doing this?” I just sit there with my hands folded. He knows damned well why. “Because you think it’s the right thing to do??” I keep my gaze locked to his, eyes wide open, mouth closed tight. Figure it out, Navy. “You know what, fine.” His tone says differently as he throws his hands in the air. “I’ve stopped trying to stop you, you’ll just do it your way anyways.”

Well, I know when I’m not welcomed. This was fun; we should definitely do this again sometime. No, really. “I’m glad to see you’re okay, Harm. I’ll see you when I get back.” I get up carefully; still not completely used to my new weight.

“Mac, I-I’m sorry.” he’s quick to apologize and I turn to him. “I just...” He falters, takes a step to me. “I have this feeling... I don’t want you to go.” Strange, that sounded a bit like an order.

I sigh deeply, but am interrupted by my own quick intake of air as he touches my chin in an effort to raise my head to his. “Trust me...” Oh god. I close my eyes against the tears I can already feel building up and twist my face away from him, my body following suite. “I need to go...”

“Mac.” His hand brushes my shoulder ever so gently, his fingers just touching the bare skin for a split second. “Wait.”

I can’t, Harm. My eyes are barely concealing the tears, my stomach feels there’s much more than a fake belly pressing it to my back, my head is fuzzy and my feet have only a limited time before they start to tremble. I can’t do this with you over and over and over again.

I half turn to him, all set to tell him goodbye one last time and walk away. My plan is lost, for he chooses to torment me further and places both hands fully on my shoulders, keeping me still and facing him.

He’s just staring at me, those blue pools shimmering at me, fascinating, drawing me in. Why doesn’t he say anything? Oh, god. Enough!

“Enough!” I cry out and there’s more anguish in my voice than I care to admit to. He’s slightly taken aback but keeps his hands where they are and those damned peaceful, animated eyes focused. “I can’t do this every time! Harm, you’re not losing me, you never will, not in that capacity, I’ll always be your friend, so please let’s just stop this cycle, it’s killing me!”

I’m breathing hard. I can’t believe I just said all that. For once, I’ve told him exactly what’s on my mind; made it clear how he’s making me feel. Right? I try to focus back on him.

Still with the staring.

His hand moves and I freeze. With his thumb caressing my cheek it takes all my powers not to sink into his touch. “Mac...” Don’t say my name like that... not unless you mean it... “I really don’t wanna loose you...”

Oh god, no. “No, Harm! You don’t get it! You don’t get to do this anymore.” Deep breath. Calm voice. “You can’t keep me as a friend and maybe something more.” Keep going. You can do it. “There’s either a friend or there’s something more. That’s it. There’s no middle ground. You don’t want to go all in? That’s fine! Just leave me out of it. I’m not playing this game. I have a mission to get to.”

I’d march right out of his apartment right now if it wasn’t for his hand clamped on my shoulder and the fact that I’m so tired. Fatigue seems to seep into my bones. It’s been a hellish couple of months, now this mission looming ahead and tying my stomach in knots. I did not need this too just now.

“Okay.” He finally says. I’m not even looking at him anymore. “I know you will go on this mission, even though I don’t think you should, and it’s dangerous...” Here we go.. the usual speech of how he worries about me and thinks of me and how he values me as a friend and there will always be someone who loves me... “...that’s just who you are,” Oh, spare me, “and I love you for that.”

Wait a second, what?

“What?” I blurt out and snap my eyes back to him. What’s with the sly smile, mister?

“Just didn’t want you to go without knowing...” He leans in close and I feel his arms snaking around my waist as he whispers in my ear, “I’m all in.”

It’s all I can do to keep breathing. I must be hallucinating, he’s still with the backing-out speech and I’ve dreamed up something else.

But his breath against my neck is too real. My hands, making contact with his back, are sending very real signals of feeling. My heart, pounding in my ears, is trying to make a point. He just said...

“You’re all in?” I whisper.

I feel his short laughter against me and inside me, rocking my lungs. He pulls back and takes my face in his hands. I still have not managed to kick-start my brain.

“No games, Mac.” He is so serious. He is coming closer.

Our lips touch softly. He keeps his lips against mine, then pulls back, only to return for a second kiss, then a third. It is then, finally, that I come back. This time I’m ready for him and our fourth kiss is a very memorable one. It’s long and it’s hot and it’s wet and it’s him. I’m sure I’ll be replaying this in my mind during this entire stupid mission. Torturing myself with repeat-mode. God, can this man kiss.

We pull back and there’s this dreamy look on his face I’m sure is mirrored in my own.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this now.” I blurt out. But I really can’t.

He raises a brow. “Are you complaining?”

“Hell, yeah!” I shift my weight and lean against him; making half my point with the pregnancy suit. “Talk about bad timing...” I add.

He just laughs. Why isn’t he upset with this? I look up at him and he sobers.

“Obviously, I wasn’t planning on telling you this right before you went on a dangerous mission, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time...” Okay. One point for Harm, but...

“But you knew this before already...?” I voice my suspicion. He pauses, then nods in the affirmative.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He’s still not looking at me directly as he shrugs slightly. “Need to know?” He makes the joke with half a smile, but quickly goes on. “I was waiting for things to settle down, for my head to clear... you just made me a deadline, so I figured you needed to know right now.” He finally lets my eyes catch his, so I can see the sincerity and the apology.

“Apology accepted.” I say grandly and then laugh along with him.

A few more minutes in his arms, and reality starts creeping up on me.

“You know I still have to go...” I plant a soft kiss on his lips to soften the words. He takes another.

“I know.” This time he leans in. I take my time, lacing fingers through hair, committing to memory just how this feels. Heavenly, that’s how. I can’t believe I have to leave and spend the next god knows how many days with Webb.

He lets me out of his arms; we both know that the longer the goodbye, the harder it is. Taking my hand in his, he places them both against his heart.

“Come back to me.” He says and I almost break. I simply nod. Be strong.
I back away a few steps, then slowly turn around and walk to the door.

Before closing the door I take a final look at him and return a smile. I will come back to him as soon as I possibly can.

This time I know the reason.

-----

End.