This has been sitting on my hard drive for almost two weeks. I've been tweaking it here and there trying to get it to where I'm happy with it. But frankly, I'm tired of tweaking, so I'm just going to put it out there and be done with it. LOL




Title: Daring to Let Go
Author: JAG Junkie (rondayoung@yahoo.com)
Rating: PG
Category: Romance (H/M)
Disclaimer: They are (sadly) not mine. If they were, we would have seen a lot more than just 7 ½ minutes.

Summary: This is my take on what could have happened the night Mac went to Harm’s apartment to talk and Alicia Montes was there (early season 10). Only, in this story, Alicia is *not* there.

A/N: This is my second response to Cece’s HBX challenge for March. Or maybe I should say “second and a half”, since my February story included the March dialogue as well. LOL I guess my muse has been working overtime lately.

When I first started writing this, I was in a hormonal mood (LOL), so please forgive me if anything seems a little out of character. Then when I finished writing this, I was feeling much better. So I’ll just say it’s one part angst and one part fluff and leave it at that. LOL




Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station

Mac stood outside Harm’s door and contemplated whether or not she should even be there. She felt like she was being silly for thinking he could help her with her problems--and that he could help her sleep. After all, despite her fantasies, he wasn’t Superman.

She knocked softly and waited nervously. Just as she started having second thoughts, the door opened. She stood there wringing her hands with her brow furrowed. She started to open her mouth to say something, but she didn’t know what to say or even how to begin.

Harm took in her appearance and concern immediately washed over his face. “Mac? Are you okay?”

“Yes…no…I don’t know.” She looked up at him helplessly and made no effort to move.

“Come here,” he said as he reached out and pulled her inside. He closed the door and turned back to look at her. She seemed frozen and uncomfortable, as if she didn’t know what to do. He took her in his arms and just held her. She clung to him with such desperation that it surprised both of them.

After a few minutes, he pulled away and, with his hand on her back, guided her to the sofa.

“Just relax while I make some tea. Then we’ll talk about whatever is bothering you. Okay?” He squeezed her shoulder reassuringly.

“Okay.” Her voice sounded small and weak and very un-marine-like, and that made her feel even worse.

Minutes later they were sitting together sipping tea. “Okay, Mac. What’s wrong?”

“I can’t sleep,” she said simply.

He took a minute to absorb what she said. “Why?”

“I don’t know. I…I have a lot on my mind…I guess.” She averted her eyes and stared at the floor.

“I don’t doubt that. You’ve been through a lot lately.”

She snorted sarcastically. “Yeah, first I find out my boyfriend’s dead, then I find out I can’t have children, then I find out my so-called boyfriend is alive and has been *lying* to me all this time.” She clenched her teeth as she uttered the last phrase.

Harm wasn’t sure what to say so he decided to just be quiet and let her vent.

“I think I liked it better when he was dead. I liked *myself* a lot better then. Now I just feel like I was a *fool* to let him play me and betray me like that. I wasted an *entire year* of my life with him. And *now* I find out it’s too late to have children. I don’t think he *even wanted* children. Why the heck was I even with him?”

Mac’s voice had been getting progressively louder during her rant. Harm was beginning to worry about what the neighbors, specifically Jen and Mattie, would think. He almost didn’t hear her next words, because she spoke them so softly.

“He wasn’t the one I wanted to have children with, anyway.”

He jerked his eyes back in her direction and tried to decipher the look on her face. She was looking across the room at nothing in particular.

“He wasn’t the one I was in love with, either.” Those words were spoken even softer than the ones before. She turned towards him and he almost did a double take at the look on her face. Her eyes were filled with sorrow, longing, regret, and something else he couldn’t quite figure out.
“When you look at me that way…what do you see?”

She took a deep breath and answered honestly. “The same thing I saw three and a half years ago when I asked you that same question. I see a desirable man.”

He started to respond, but she cut him off.

“And, I see a man who’s so afraid to lose control.”

“And I told you back then that in my world, you lose control, you die.”

“But isn’t your world full of risks? Aren’t you taking a risk every time you step into that cockpit?” she countered.

“Yes, but flying is worth the risk.”

“Most things worth having are.”

He had to hand it to her. She had a very good point and he had no clever comeback. “You’re right.”

“Then why can’t you let go?”

“Because every time I think I’m ready to let go, the person I want to let go with isn’t ready or something gets in the way.”

Mac knew exactly what times he was talking about. Guilt began to rise up until her memory reminded her of all the times the situation was reversed.

“I could say the same, you know,” she reminded him.

“Yeah, I know.”

“I’ll let go if you’ll let go.”

Harm raised an eyebrow. “That almost sounds like a dare.”

“Nah, think of it more like…a challenge. I know how you like to be challenged.” Mac smiled a little for the first time that night.

“Well…”

“I’ll even make it easy for you. I’ll go first.”

“Okay. Ladies first.”
She swallowed hard. “I need you.” She paused and looked at him. He was staring at her as if his purpose in life hung on her next words. “I need my best friend back. I need you more than I’ve ever wanted to admit. I need you to be there for me. I need you to lift me up and help me get through all this. I need you to comfort me when I’m sad. Console me when I’m discouraged. Hold me when I’m scared. I need you to tell me I’m important when I feel like I’m worthless.”

She took a deep breath and continued. “You must know how difficult this is for me to say out loud, because the marine in me doesn’t want to be this vulnerable. I need to know that it’s okay to depend on you this much. I need to know that I’m not alone. And most importantly, I need to know that I’m not the only one in love.”

She looked up at him with moist, hopeful eyes. He was surprised and overwhelmed by her raw honesty. He knew that took guts. And he knew that she deserved the same honesty and vulnerability from him.

“Harm?” Fear began to fill her eyes. He immediately reached out and took her hand in his. Without thinking he began rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb. It was a simple gesture, but it soothed her fears while he gathered his thoughts.

“It’s nice to be needed. I need you too. I have for quite some time. I need you to keep me on my toes, to challenge me, and to steer me in the right direction when I lose my focus. I’ve missed that lately. But you’re not alone. You never have been. I told you I would always be there for you and that hasn’t changed. You can always depend on me, because I depend on you just as much.” He took her other hand in his and squeezed both of them. “And you’re *not* the only one in love.”

She searched his eyes and found the sincerity that she was hoping for. Slowly, as if drawn by a force greater than the two of them, they closed the distance between them. At the first taste of his lips, she melted into him. Relief, happiness, and contentment washed over her. Her world seemed to right itself a little more each time the kiss deepened.

After a long time of give and take, he pulled his lips away and began to work his way down her neck.

“Wow, flyboy. When you let go, you really let go!” Mac whispered breathlessly.

“Mmm…If you think…it will help…you can sleep…here tonight,” he mumbled between kisses.

“I know it will help. A lot!” She curled her fingers into his hair.

“Good. Because I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately too.” They tumbled back against the armrest of the sofa and Harm slipped his hand under the back of her shirt.

“Really?” She tugged on his shirt as well.
“Yeah. I’ve really been missing a certain marine who should be with me.”

“Well, she’s with you now and she’s not going anywhere.” She lowered her eyes and voice and added in a sultry tone. “Except to that bed in there.”

Before she could register what was happening, he scooped her up and carried her across the room and up the stairs.

The next morning, she awoke with the comforting feeling of being surrounded by Harm. She snuggled into his warm embrace and buried her face into his neck.

He caressed her arm. “You sleep okay?”

She smiled and looked up into his eyes. “Never better.”

“Me too.” He squeezed her gently. “You think you’ll need help sleeping again tonight?” he asked hopefully.

“Harm, I’m going to need help sleeping every night from now on. You up to the job, sailor?”

He smiled contentedly. “I can’t think of any job I’d rather have. Your place or mine?”

“What?”

“How are we going to do this?” He gestured across the bed with his free hand.

“I don’t know. Maybe we could alternate for a while. Your place for a week, then my place for a week. That way we won’t be constantly moving back and forth. At least, until we decide on a permanent place.” She hoped she wasn’t pushing too hard with that last statement.

“A permanent place.” Harm grinned. “I like the sound of that. So we stay here and go to your place next week?”

“No, we go to my place tonight. I’m not waiting a week to christen it.” She winked at him.

He laughed. “All this time waiting and now we’re in hurry.”

“Hey, I dared us to let go and we did.”

“Best dare we ever took.”

They hungrily sank under the sheets again. One thing was certain. With each other’s help, sleep deprivation would never again be a *bad* thing.

*****