TR
Subject: March HBX challenge fic: "The Way I Love You"


QUOTE: The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them, and know you'll never have them. - Unknown


This is my response to the HBX March challenge, it's set the same night of Mac's engagement party. A chance meeting, changes everything.

I hope this is readable. It's 2AM here, and it's all off the top of my head. Not edited, not betaed. All mistakes are my own.

Disclaimer: I don't own JAG, but if I did I wouldn't have sacrificed my integrity just to "save my job".

Honest Feedback is always appreciated.



The Way I Love You
by TR



She shouldn't have been surprised to see him there. In the middle of the night. In the dark and cold. In the park they knew so well. On the path they always used to beat away the questions, the confusion, the pain. She'd been running again. Running it off. Running away. Away from the reality of her life. Away from the taste of him on her lips. And he'd been doing the same. It was only by chance...or providence, that they'd literally stumbled into each other. One look into his face had told her that they were going through the same particular brand of Hell. They'd stopped then. Stopped running. Stopped hiding behind the silence, when the most important things were begging to be said. It was then; standing together on that familiar path; green eyes locked on brown; that they began to let go.

"I thought I'd let this go so long ago. I thought I'd moved past it," She told him.

"So did I."

"Harm, I...I realized something tonight. I can't love you one way, and not the other. I've tried. God knows I've tried, but I just can't. I wanted you to love me, and you do. In all ways but the one I want most. I've tried my best to love Mic that way. To let him love me, in the way that you won't. And keep loving you just as my partner, and best friend, but I can't." Tears welled up. "It would only take one moment Harm. One word, one look, to make me want to hold onto you and never let go." She stepped closer, her voice intense. "If you don't want me that way, then I'm going to marry Mic, and I'm going to move to Australia, because I don't want to live without love in my life. And I can't be near you, without wanting it from you."

"Mac..."

"I'm not pushing you. Honestly. If you ever tell me you want me, I want it to be the truth, and not because you feel stuck. But this is my truth, I can't be your friend without wanting to be your lover. It's gone too far, and I won't be unfaithful, not even in my mind. If I'm away from you, I think I can get over this. But I can't if I see you every day."

He ran a hand through his damp hair, and slowly turned away. She waited.

"Just give me a minute," he said quietly.

"Okay."

She watched as he fought his demons. Fought the instinctive urge to guard his heart. When he finally faced to her, he stepped close. Reached out. Pulled back. Reached out again. His eye were full of love and torment.

His hand rested on her cheek. Emotion pricked his heart, and his voice, "When you look at me that way, what do you see?"

Her lips trembled, "I see a desirable man."

He took a shaky breath, "And *I* see a man who is so afraid to lose control."

"In your world you lose control you die," she said in a tearful whisper.

Sorrow filled his eyes, "I see you get on a plane to Australia and I die."

"Harm." It was a desperate plea. And then she was in his arms. They held on for dear life. Oblivious to the cold. To the sounds of the wind in the trees. To the pain of their hearts as they lay open and bleeding. Her breath was warm against his skin as she whispered in his ear. "I know we've hurt each other before. You don't have to be afraid. You can lose control with me. I won't hurt you now. I...I love you too much."

"Stay Mac," He said. "I'll try. Just please stay."

"Try?"

He pulled back. The depth of feeling in his eyes, stole her breath. "Try to make it work as your friend AND your lover. Try to let you in. It may not be easy with me."

"It may not be easy with me either. I'll take my chances."
"I love you."

Relief began in her belly, and spread to her finger tips. "That's all I need to know. We can deal with what we need to deal with tomorrow." She moved in close. "Just, hold onto me for now okay?"

He tucked her in to the crook of his shoulder, and held her there. For the first time in too many years, his world felt right again.

End of scene.