Date Posted: 14:50:29 03/19/08 Wed
Author: TR
Subject: HBX March 2008 Challenge. FF: Eyes Open

This story is in response to the HBX 2008 March fanfic challenge. It's set right after Retreat Hell. This is a different take and a different reaction from Renee' to Harm calling her Mac.

I don't own JAG, but if I did I would have put in a Scene in Retreat Hell that had Harm and Renee’ and Mac and Mic out on a double date, while Harm was hallucinating. What fun would that be?!!
Eyes Open
By TR
Rated Mild.

I could say I didn't know what I was doing there, but it was long past time for lies, even the ones I told to myself. I was there because I had to know. Once and for all, to know just how big of a fool I'd made of myself. And for how long. I stood in front of her apartment door. Looked down the hall, one side then the other. Distracting myself with the design details of the woodwork, the color commentary of the carpet. Stalling. It was warm, classy, and so...her. What I knew of her anyway. Which wasn't much, or, I feared, maybe too much. Time would tell. Choosing, with effort, to stop being a coward, I squared my shoulders, snapped my business façade into place over my bleeding heart and knocked on the door. I could hear someone shuffling on the other side. A change in the air, in the sound. A calming. Like something in the background had ceased its production of white noise. I heard the door creak slightly, and could only assume she was looking through the peep hole into the hallway. I smiled, and felt like I was posing for a mug shot.

After the usual jangling of the chain, thumps and clicks of the locks, she opened the door. She stood in her bare feet, wrapped in a pale pink robe, her hair half dried and the hair dryer in her hand no longer making its white noise. She didn't have an ounce of make-up on her face. And she was beautiful. I'd never seen her that way before, and I shifted on my heels, moved my designer purse from one shoulder to the other. It had taken me an hour in the mirror to convince myself that the heavy make up I'd applied had sufficiently covered the redness of tears. Then, face to face with her I felt like an overdone, inadequate, fool.

Her brown eyes registered surprise that quickly turned to what could only be described as terrified concern. So much for covering the tear tracks.

"Renee'?" She stepped forward, almost out into the hall. Put her hand on my arm. Her eyes were fierce, her body battle ready. She was in full rescue mode. "What are you...? Has something happened to Harm?" She looked as if she was ready to do anything, go anywhere, raise him from the dead if necessary.

I wanted to huff and laugh and cry and yank my hair out and strangle myself with it. Of course her first thoughts would be of him. Why wouldn't they be? That’s the only way she knew me. I tried to smile. "No, nothing has happened to him. Well, not that I know of..." Suddenly tired, I shifted my weight to the other heel. "May I come in?"

She shook her head in an almost comical fashion. And the Marine disappeared back into the body of the woman. "I...Yes of course, I'm sorry. I just didn't expect..." She stepped to the side putting her free hand out in invitation. "Have a seat."

"Thanks," I said, but remained standing. "Is Mic here?"

She frowned. "No he's not, he's out of town."

For some reason I felt relieved. "Good. That will make things...easier."

"Why don't you sit down? What's...?"

"I think I'd rather stand if that’s alright, I...work better that way."

She nodded. Set the hairdryer on the coffee table and took a seat on the couch. Waited.

I looked her in the eye. "I came here to ask you a question. I’d like an honest answer."

She gave me a small smile. "I don’t give any other kind. As a rule."

"Is there something going on between you and Harm?"

I saw shock in her eyes, but couldn't tell if it was coupled with guilt or regret. Neither one was to my liking, though completely expected. A little of the lawyer in her came out with her response.

"Going on in what way?"

I hesitated. I'd been around enough military people to know that questioning the honor of a Marine was a risky business. I sighed. Suddenly feeling simultaneously heavy and weak. I put my purse on the table and sat at the other end of the couch. Time to cut to the chase. "Are you and Harm having an affair?"

Shock turned to insult in less than a second. "No," was her quiet, cold, emphatic reply.

I nodded. Wondering why I didn't feel the anvil lift away from my chest. "Okay," I said quietly. I felt the façade I'd snapped on break loose and go clattering to the floor. Leaving me exposed. She must have seen it too, because when I said nothing else, I felt her move closer. Once again she touched my arm. This time it was a touch of compassion.

"Why do you ask?" She said softly. One look into her eyes, now full of sympathetic concern and I knew why he loved her. I saw in her an unassuming strength that I’d once admired in myself. Where had it gone? I knew the answer even as it pained me to know it. It had fled the moment I fell in love with the man who fell in love with the woman beside me.

I chose to tell her the truth. She deserved to know it. After all I’d barged into her home and questioned her honor.

I felt myself swallow hard. Getting the knot out of the way so the words could emerge unimpeded. "He called me by your name." I said it softly, but I might as well have been screaming it at the top of my lungs. As my heart had screamed the moment it had happened.

I saw her shaking her head out of the corner of my eye, as I became fascinated with folding and unfolding my hands.

"I beg your pardon?"

"He called me by your name. Just said it. Breathed it. Like it was the most natural thing in the world. He just said, 'Mac'".

Mac frowned, remembering, as if something clicked behind her eyes. "When did this happen?"

"A few days ago."

She laughed, "I think I have an explanation."

I huffed out a breath. Felt the flutter of it on my lips. "Yeah, he was thinking about you."

She shifted, engaging my full attention. "Renee', he had a concussion."

"What?"

"He fell out of the Admiral's chair and hit the back of his head on the floor. A few days ago. He wasn't quite…himself that day. He sees me all of the time, it would only make sense that he’d be confused..."

"He didn’t tell me."

She smirked. "If you were Harm would you tell you? I'm sure he was embarrassed."

"Did he do anything...out of the ordinary, at the office?"

Her smirk fell away leaving an expression of discomfort. "A few things. Nothing major."

I felt my eyes narrow. There was something in her tone. "Those 'few things', did they have to do with you?"

She looked away, and then back again. "I'm his partner. Given our level of interaction It's only natural that he would..."

"Mac...he was kissing me. When he said your name, he was kissing...ME."

I fought to keep my emotions in check, even as I watched her face go slack.

"Oh."

"Yeah. Oh." I sat back, exhausted. Knowing I'd already lost the war. I'd known it before I showed up there. I didn't look at her. I didn't have to, I knew what her expression would be. "He was different with you wasn’t he. At work?"

I saw her nod in my peripheral vision. "Renee'...I don’t know what to say."

"I know. This changes things Mac."

"This doesn’t have to change things."

"Yes it does."

Her voice rose. "I’m no threat to you. I’ve never laid a hand on him."

"But did you ever want to?"

She pursed her lips. And I knew the answer before she gave it. "Yes. He...didn’t agree. He...chose you."

This surprised me. More than anything else. "Me?"

"Yes, you. We were in Australia and I offered to...begin a relationship with him. He turned me down. If memory serves he had already had a few dates with you. I didn't know you two were exclusive at that time, but I guess Harm saw it that way."

There was remembered pain in her eyes, and despite the circumstances, my heart went out to her. "I always wondered what it was that made him look at you that way Mac. Now I know. It's regret. If you asked him again Mac, he would have a different answer."

"That’s not true!"

"Yes it is. He'll never look at me that way. He'll never say my name the way that he said yours."

She shook her head. Disbelief on her face. "Listen. You don’t know what was going on in that brain of his." She smirked at me in an expression of full understanding. "I imagine that's true even on days when he hasn't fallen on his head. He wants you in his life."

She looked at my earnestly, not knowing she was echoing the words he'd said to me just the night before. "But he has you in his heart."

She seemed at a loss. "I imagine it was quite a blow to have him say someone else’s name. Especially when..." She sighed. "But that doesn’t mean that you two don't have something. That one day you can't..."

"...mend fences? Bridge the gap? Close the divide? That's exactly what he said."

"I was going to say, 'make a life together'."

I had to laugh, it was just too absurd an idea. Too far out of reach. "Mac, Harm and I will never walk down the isle, and it's taken me far too long to realize it. I tried to convince myself that after you married Mic that he would be okay with settling down with me. But that's what he would be doing. Settling. I don’t want to be settled for. He’s not an easy man to understand as I'm sure you know." She nodded. "But I do know that he doesn't love me."

"Renee'..."

"Mac. He doesn't. Whatever parts of him, buried under all of that baggage, that know how to love, love you. You. Not me." I didn't wait for her to respond. I picked up my purse and stood. Feeling like a heel for throwing a wrench into her life when she'd done nothing to provoke it. "I'm sorry for coming in and telling you this. For complicating your plans and your life. I just…had to know if you and he... I just had to know. Can you get that?"

She was staring at the carpet, her face upset, shocked, baffled. "Yeah," she said softly. "I get that."

"You know you're a lucky girl to have Mic. I'm sure you know that. Take care of yourself Mac. And…look after Harm for me." I shook my head. "What am I saying? Of course you'll look after him. That’s what you two do."

I turned and left before I exposed my heart any further, before I could cause anymore turmoil. As I closed the door, I saw her lean forward, and place her head in her hands. "I'm sorry Mic," I whispered, betting my bottom dollar that he would not be walking down the isle anytime soon either. I wanted to fix it, but the damage had been done.

End of scene. Good? Bad? Out house grime? Let me know.