Author: Newbie
Subject: Releasing the Walls-May Challenge

Hello everyone! Okay, so this is my first time ever writing a JAG fan fiction piece. Luckily, it’s not an in-depth military story; it’s basically just Harm and Mac.

Alright, so in order for this to work, you readers must assume a few things. This piece takes place during the night of the Admiral’s Dining Out, however, everything up to where Harm and Mac are sitting outside on the bench happens. I don’t know about any of you but for me, the Admiral’s Dining Out didn’t seem like the most appropriate place for Mac to tell Harm about her endometriosis. So just pretend that the episode ended after Harm told Mac that he would always be there for her. And also pretend that Mac hadn’t told Harm about going for the ‘procedure’. Oh, and one more thing, this is a response to the challenge lines for May. I tweaked one of the lines just a tad to make this flow better.

Harm: Why didn’t you tell me?
Mac: Need to know?
Harm: Well, I guess I needed to know

Title:
Rating: Any
Disclaimer: Don’t own them, if I did Harm and Mac definitely wouldn’t have waited eight years to get together.
Author’s Note: I like all types of comments, especially constructive criticism.


Sarah MacKenzie’s Apartment
Georgetown
2100 hours (9:00 pm)

“Thank you for bringing me home, Harm. I really would’ve been fine taking a cab.” Mac couldn’t bring herself to look Harm in the eyes while she spoke to him. Ever since his declaration at the Admiral’s Dining Out Mac put her walls back in place. She knew he had the ability to read her like a book and tonight she really didn’t want him to do that, especially knowing he would find something that she’s been debating with her self to tell.

Harm hesitated in answering her. Instead, he chose to look at her, study her like a subject in science class. Her shoulders slightly squared, chin to chest, staring down at her hands that she had no idea what to do with. Slowly and hesitantly, Harm reached out and gently placed his hand over hers. Her chocolate brown eyes, slightly glazed over with tears threatening to fall locked on to his ocean blue eyes filled with concern.

“Anytime, Mac.”

With their gazes locked on each other, Harm raised his free hand to gently brush a stubborn bang that fell out of place. Mac couldn’t help the small sigh of frustration she let out as his hand slowly traveled down to cup her cheek. As he ran the pad of his thumb just below her eye to catch tears that were waiting to fall she catapulted herself into his arms holding on to him for dear life while he held her with just enough strength to make her feel safe.

Slowly, Harm maneuvered the two of them into the apartment and shut the door. At first, Harm didn’t know whether or not Mac was crying or if she just needed to feel safe. That was until a few seconds later when he felt her warm tears on his neck. He slowly began to run his hand up and down her back for a short while until her tears started to subside.

“Mac?”

“Hmm?” At the thought of having to leave his strong embrace, Mac tightened her hold on him slightly. At that particular moment in time, she couldn’t think of one other time that she had felt more safe and protected.

“Uh…why don’t you go change into something a bit more comfortable and when you’re done we’ll think of something to do. Okay?” She nodded into his shoulder and quickly turned around so he wouldn’t see her tear-stained face.

A few minutes later Mac returned in an oversized t-shirt and bottoms and joined Harm on the couch. Before the silence from earlier during the night had a chance to return, Harm spoke.

“Do you want to talk about whatever it is that’s bothering you?” Mac sat on her end of the couch and remained silent. The way she saw it, she had two choices. One, shake her head no and give Harm the silent treatment until he decided to leave on his own free will. Or two, drop the walls she put back in place earlier that night and take the leap like he did. After a moment she chose the latter.

She sniffled quickly in an effort to hold back the tears that threatened to fall once again and replied, “There’s a few things I want to talk about.” Harm nodded his head in agreement and turned towards her on the couch. He thought about beginning the conversation but new that this was something that had to be done on her terms.

Mac took a few seconds to compose herself before finally speaking. “I had a procedure done earlier today.” She felt a light pressure being applied to her hand through Harm and took it as a cue to continue. “It was a small procedure, really. It didn’t take long.” She knew she was rambling and so did he but that was the best thing that she could think of.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Harm crinkled his brow in thought, completely confused as to why his best friend withheld information from him.

“I don’t know, Harm.”

Mac released a frustrated sigh before picking her head up to look at him. She studied him like the way he studied her earlier that evening. She noticed how tired he looked, noticed the concern for her showing in his eyes and knew that she couldn’t keep putting him through hell. She couldn’t continue to hide her thoughts and feelings for him when his thoughts and feelings were showing in his eyes.

“Need to know basis, I guess.”

“Well I guess I need to know.” The look of sadness in disappointment in her eyes was enough to make him cry. “Mac, whatever it is, well get through it.” He squeezed her hand once again in reassurance.

“Remember those back problems I’d been having?” At the nod of his head, she took a deep breath and continued. “Well, I went to the doctors and they gave me an ultra-sound where they found cysts on my ovaries. So I went for a laparoscopy.”

Mac turned her head quickly before Harm could see the tears threatening to fall over once again. She sniffled a few times before continuing in a low whisper. “ The doctor said I have a four percent chance of conceiving.”

Harm sat frozen, unsure of what to do or say. He felt like his whole world had been shattered. His life, his future, was sitting before him defeated and he didn’t have a damn clue what to do about it. Having a baby with Mac had been one of the dreams he’d been waiting to come true and now, without any say from either of them, it was over.

Harm knew if he was feeling this distraught, Mac must have been feeling ten times worse. His eyes glanced over towards Mac to find her sitting Indian style completely facing him with her head in her hands. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts he didn’t even feel her remove her hand from his. He shifted so that his back was against the couch cushions and his shoeless feet propped up on the small table in her living room. He removed his dress jacket and placed it on the seat next to him leaving him in his t-shirt, pants and socks.

“Mac…” She slowly lifted her head to meet his eyes. He patted his chest and said, “Come here.” Hesitantly, she leaned over so that he could pull her into his embrace. She was pleasantly surprised when he hoisted her onto his lap and wrapped his arms securely around her.

Harm sighed in contentment when Mac rested her head upon his shoulder then he spoke. “It’s going to be alright, Mac. We’re gonna get through this.”

“Harm, don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t be noble and stick around for me. You don’t have to.” Mac’s voice was laced with the strength she didn’t have and a determination only a Marine would know about.

“And you don’t have to keep pushing me away.”

“I’m not!” Mac knew it wasn’t time for an argument but that’s what she always did when he got to close to her heart; she put her walls back up and pushed him away until he dropped the subject.

But Harm wasn’t having it. He took her face in his hand, caressed her cheek and looked deep into her eyes. In a whisper he pled, “Please stop pushing me away Sarah. I don’t know how much more I can take.” And with that she broke, the tears fell again for the umpteenth time that night. But this time she let everything out; all of the pain, anger, sadness and hate. She finally let go of all the feelings that stopped her from realizing her happiness was within her grasp. All she had to do was reach out and take a hold of it.

After a few minutes, Mac wiped her eyes and looked at Harm. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, Mac. It’s only human.” Harm began to slowly run his hands up and down Mac’s back in an effort to help calm her nerves.

“I meant that I was sorry for pushing you away. I don’t mean to nor do I want to it’s…it’s just that sometimes pushing you away is easier than it is to let you in. And I do want to let you in, Harm. It’s just hard.”

“Well if it’s going to make you feel better I already let you in.” At his confession her head snapped up to his. “It’s true, I let you in a long time ago. I got tired of fighting it and figured it be easier to wait for you than it would be to continue to deny it.”

Mac crinkled her brow in thought. ‘If it’s that easy for him why haven’t I done it already?’ She looked up at him slightly confused for a moment then said, “Why have you been sticking around when I’ve been pushing you away?”

Harm looked incredulous. “Do you really not know the answer to that, Mac?” When Mac shook her head Harm was a bit surprised. He’d always been an action man; ‘action’s speak louder than words’ as the saying goes. And he’d always been that way in relationships; he would rely on his actions to speak the words he was too afraid to say because that’s what most women wanted.

But Mac…Mac was different. Mac was the ‘take charge’ type of person to begin with. If she wanted action she would take it. That’s why Harm assumed his actions would speak for him. That’s also why he was a bit shocked that she needed to hear the words instead.

So slowly, Harm brought a hand to rest on Mac’s cheek and their gazes locked. “You are by far, the most beautiful woman I have ever met. You challenge me in ways no one ever has, you don’t let me get away with anything because of my boyishly good looks, and you might be a Marine but I’m willing to look past that.”

For the first time that night the both of them chuckled and it felt good. But Harm was on a roll expressing himself and he didn’t find the need to stop. “And I know you’re health isn’t in the greatest shape right now, but that doesn’t change the way I feel about you. I still love you just as much now as I did before all that happened.”

Mac released a sigh of contentment knowing that they were finally on the path to where they wanted to be. “I love you, too. I know I have some stuff to work through but I promise I won’t push you away. And I guess I can look past the fact that you’re Navy, too.”

And so they stayed, cuddled up on Mac’s couch, internal walls slowly crumbling to reveal their hearts. The hearts might be battered and bruised but the only thing that mattered was that they now beat in sync with the other.