Author: TR
Subject: HBX September 2007 Challenge FF: Only With You

This story is in response to the HBX September 2007 Challenge. It’s 3 AM and I’m half asleep so I hope it’s coherent.

I don’t own JAG, but if I did I would have only sold the show to networks who refused to cut any of the episodes for time.

Only with You
By TR
Rated Mature


“I don’t know what I’m doing here,” Mac whispered just barely above her breath. Fully expecting the stony cold silence she received in return. “I guess I just don’t know what else to do.” She sighed. “I should have seen this coming. Maybe I did in some way, but never...never did I imagine it would go this far.”

Her chin quivered. “He’ll be flying for the CIA now. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to put one foot in front of the other, and walk into that office every day without him. We went through this once before and it was a disaster, as you well know.” She ran a hand through her hair. “I don’t know how to protect him from this. I won’t even be allowed to know where he is.” She threw her hands up in stark frustration. “How...how do I do this? I’ve had his back for so many years I just don’t know how to do anything else. So I’m asking you, as I did the last time that he left, to watch over him for me. Like you did for both of us when we were flying in Sarah, and when we were in Russia. Keep him safe.” Tears came unbidden to her eyes. “How is it possible that I found him in that ocean, brought him back to me, only to have him leave me now?”

Silence. No response. No comfort. No answers. Never any answers. And yet she stood, as she had every time that Harm had been out of her reach. Out of her scope of protection. She stood before a wall, pleading with a ghost to keep him safe.

Her thumb traced the letters of his name. “He’s spent most of his life looking for you. Hoping to be where you are...or were. To stay connected with you. That’s all I want to have with him, but now I can’t.” She dropped to the grass. And cradled her head in her hands. “I didn’t want him out of my life. That’s not what I meant. He just wouldn’t listen. Just for one minute listen to me. I just didn’t want to fight anymore. I was just so tired of trying with nothing to show for it, but this horrible longing. Longing I knew would never amount to anything if we couldn’t even manage to have a civil conversation.”

The tears returned. “He held me you know. Our last night in Paraguay. After the fighting and throwing barbs at each other for no good reason. Even after that. In his sleep he turned and pulled me against him. I swear I’d never felt so warm and protected and right in my life. I was ready right then to turn in his arms and beg him to love me. To touch me. To do something that told me that he’d fight for us to be together as passionately as he’d fought me in that room, but the moment I turned he woke up.” Her voice hitched in her throat. Clogged with tears, and pain, and that ever-present longing. “...he woke up and he saw who he was holding. And he...he let go. He let go of me. That moment had been perfect. The most perfect of my life. And he let go. How does beauty like that vanish so quickly into thin air? If what we had had to die, I suppose it would have to be in that fashion. Like a Thornbird singing the most beautiful song of it’s life as it dies impaled on the thorn.”

Her fist hit the ground. “Damn him! Sometimes I wish I’d never met him! But then I know that if I hadn’t my life would be so much less than it is. And I’d probably be dead by now.”

“If you hadn't we'd probably BOTH be dead by now..”

She turned to voice behind her. Didn’t bother to wipe her tears or straighten her clothes. Didn’t bother to speak. She was just there. Raw. Broken.

“How long have you been coming to see my father?”

“Since the first time you were out of reach. If I couldn’t keep you safe, I figured he could.”

Harm nodded, reached out in equal parts compassion and reflex, and wiped the tears from her face.
. “Mac...I...I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’ve never wanted to make you cry.” He gestured toward the wall. “I heard what you said. I didn’t realize....do you want to talk about it?”

“Not particularly. Talking has never served us in the past.”

“Neither has anything else we’ve tried.”

“Tried? When have we actually tried?” She asked, her voice soft, earnest.

“Point taken. Listen whatever happens, I just want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left you there in our room.”

“Why did you leave?”

“I had to clear my head. After all we’d said, or rather, not said...I woke up with you moving in my arms. I thought you were pulling away. I didn’t wait around long enough to realize that you weren’t.”

She stepped closer. Put a hand on his arm. “Harm,” she began slowly. Leaving no room for misinterpretation. “I was not pulling away. I’m still not pulling away. I just don’t want to fight anymore. We can’t have another conversation like that one. Ever again. I can’t take it.” Her voice began to shake. “My heart can’t take it.”

He nodded. “Neither can I.” Taking her hand, he pulled her in, and wrapped his arms around her. “Is this okay?”

She rested her cheek against his chest. “Only if you tell me you’re not going to leave again.”

“I have to go, my contract is signed.”

“You can’t get out of it?”

“I’ll try, but I doubt it. I’ll find a way.” He laid a kiss in her hair, then pulled back. “We should get you home. It’s nearly 0100.”

“Will you come with me?”

“I can’t.”

She felt troubled but didn’t voice her concerns. When they made it to their cars, he said he’d see her home, but had to be at a meeting early in the morning, and that’s why he couldn’t stay. She accepted that as well without a word. She was the one who said she didn’t want to talk, and yet what would she do with all the questions leaping around in her head? Even now there was nothing definitive between them. The anger was gone. As was the pain. But they were still stuck in that limbo. Maybe it just wasn’t the time to state intentions. Maybe he didn’t know what his intentions were. Had they really been given this second, third, fiftieth chance, only to falter when it came down to making a commitment? More questions. And no more answers.

He’d hugged her again before she got into the car to drive home, but nothing more. Harmon Rabb, the beautiful enigma. Would she ever see the real man inside?

With a sigh she pulled into her parking space, gave him her best smile and waved, and watched him drive away from her.

2 hours later

She was dreaming. She had to be. Dreaming she was back in that dank hotel in Paraguay, with Harm lying by her side. She could feel him there. His chest against her back. His hand resting just below her navel. His breath fluttering over her ear. And any minute now, she was going to turn in his arms, and he was going to get up and walk out. Damn it! Not again. She couldn’t live through that again.

Her heartbeat turned thick as a wave of sadness came over her. A wave that was easily and immediately dispelled by his soft voice in her ear. “Shh, I’m here now Mac.” Her eyes flew open, and adjusted enough to recognize her own room. She was home, away from the nightmare that was Paraguay. But the dream was still there. Lying close to her. Molding her body to his. She turned in his arms, praying that this time his reaction would be different.

She saw the outline of his smile. “Sorry I’m late,” he said. “I had to get my suit for my meeting tomorrow.”

She grinned back at him. “It’s okay. You’re here now.”

“I’m here to stay if you’ll have me.” He watched her face. Searching for a sign. For something to hold onto. He didn’t have to wait long.

Slowly her hand rose to his cheek. Her body slid higher as she kissed him softly. “I’ll have you.” Her eyes sparkled. “I’ll have you right now, if you’re willing.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Willing AND able.”

She chuckled and moved in for another kiss. Their lips met and the levity ended there, as the true impact of what they were doing settled over them. Wrapping them in a blanket of warmth. A balm to heal all wounds.

Their skin was heated and tingling and flushed. Their hands were everywhere. Their mouths seeking. Finding. Simultaneously warring, surrendering., loving.

Lying on their sides, clinging together, his hands buried in her hair, hers clutching his shoulders and back. They dove in to each other, until there was no longer a Harmon Rabb or a Sarah Mackenzie, but one being, one heart, one soul.

Harm stilled. Buried to the hilt inside her. Her body wrapped around his. The glow of almost dawn came through the window and played upon their skin. Just enough. Just enough light to see her eyes. What he saw there stole his breath. He stroked her cheek with the tip of his finger. Her eyes fell shut at the tenderness in his touch.

“Mac...I...I’ve never felt...” His heart was too full. He couldn’t put it into words.

Breathless, she smiled. “You’re only this way with me aren’t you?”

Warmth filled his eyes. His voice was velvet. “Only with you.”

End of scene. Good? Bad? Mothman? Let me know.