No Regrets
Author: Tante
Kiki
Rating: PG
Classification: not quite fluff, not quite
serious
Disclaimer: Don’t own, no money, just
playing.
Summary: I liked this prompt, but I’m not at all
sure that this piece captures its flavor.
Prompt: ?
What counts in making a happy marriage
is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with
incompatibility. ~George
Levinger
===============================================================
They
had been partners, adversaries, friends. Their names were
intertwined, almost as if it were only one name, HarmandMac, the
CommanderandtheColonel. They knew each other so well, yet there were
so many things they didn’t know at all, at least not for
certain.
They were both lawyers, skilled in courtroom oratory,
but each unable to make a persuasive case to the other, at times
unable to communicate at all. Only on occasion did they really listen
to one another.
They were both career military and willing to
risk their own lives in the name of duty and even more willing to
take risks (well, physical risks) for each other. She took a taxi to
a war zone in Chechnya; he resigned his commission to look for a
tortured needle in a Paraguayan haystack. But neither was brave
enough to risk their own heart or the friendship each treasured.
At
times the support they had for one another seemed boundless. She rode
in a stolen MIG and harbored him when he was a fugitive from the
brig. He defended her for a murder she didn’t deny and carried
her through the Appalachian wilderness while evading murderous
poachers. At other times one might have thought them only colleagues
or casual acquaintances for the little care they took with one
another.
Duty seemed to establish clear rules for their
relationship but chemical reactions are bound by other laws and the
conflict between the two offered only an uncomfortable standoff
without either side establishing a permanent position of final
authority.
The constant struggle between the rules of man and
the laws of nature took its toll on their relationship. Their bond
was tested in unimaginable ways and they developed habits of
interaction in order to survive. Each had inner issues of
abandonment, understood to some extent, but as the song says, “the
wounds that never heal are the easiest to hide”.*
They
learned to respect and grew to love but the patterns of defense to
avoid “getting too close” became firmly entrenched. The
best defense being a good offense, they knew which buttons to push,
which words would keep the other just out of reach.
Was it
fate that brought them so tantalizingly close together for so long
yet kept them essentially apart? Did fickle fate take pity on them
after nine years of push and pull? Or did they each finally make a
choice to be together and to face the consequences?
Is it
possible to start a new life together with so many doubts, not doubts
of love, but doubts
nonetheless?
==============================================================
“I
don’t know why we act like that
You hurt me I only hurt you
back
I can’t believe how carelessly we say those things
That
put our love in danger
You wouldn’t say that to a
stranger
We hurt the ones we love
When we say those words in
anger
Do we ever make it up
We say what we don’t mean
And
then we say we’re sorry later
But you wouldn’t say
that to a
stranger”**
==============================================================
They
had been married for two months.
She loved him. He loved her.
You need love as a prerequisite for a marriage, of that she was sure,
but was love enough? If it wasn’t, what was the more?
Never.
As in, ‘it’s never going to work between us’.
Always.
As in, ‘you have someone who will always love you’.
Eternity.
As in, ‘is that how long we’re going to wait’.
She
felt as if she were playing a warped game of Rock Paper Scissors,
though the analogy wasn’t quite accurate. Each of these weapons
seemed able to overpower the other two. The question was, was it a
game with their past or a game with their present.
She felt
sure that compromise would be involved in marriage, but she didn’t
think it should feel like surrender. The fight had been so terrible
and its ferocity had taken her by surprise. She knew a marriage
between two such strong personalities would have its moments, but it
wouldn’t survive these kinds of struggles. They wouldn’t
survive. They had to find another way. She believed that he would
agree with that, if nothing
else.
================================================================
“Last
night there was over in the air
Today it’s gone just like it
was never there
I don’t know where those hateful words come
from
It goes against our
nature”**
================================================================
He
came back from a run, showered and joined her on the couch, where she
seemed to be waiting for him. They needed an alternative to the
earlier nastiness and they needed it soon.
“Are we
ready to talk?” Since he had been the one to retreat, he
thought he should open the discussion.
“I think we have
to be, don’t you?” She turned to face him.
“You
seem to think that this is more than a bump in the road.”
She
offered an easy answer initially. “Maybe we were due. We have
been on our honeymoon.”
“And what a honeymoon,”
he said as took her hand and began to caress the top gently with his
thumb, which was a tactic that had worked in his favor several times
already during their brief marriage.
“Don’t try to
distract me.” She said it sharply but she made no move to pull
her hand away.
“I thought you liked my distractions?”
he offered with at least half of a sly smile.
“That’s
not the point and you know it.” And now she did pull her hand
away and attempted to regain some of her equilibrium. His proximity
was still problematic, but without skin to skin contact she thought
she had a fighting chance.
“I didn’t think it
was.” His reply was a trifle sheepish.
“Maybe
there are deeper issues. We certainly didn’t have a traditional
courtship. Maybe we shouldn’t have been so blasé about
the pre-marital counseling sessions.”
“You’re
right. This is a marriage and it’s going to work, but it’s
probably also going to take work. After all, marriage isn’t all
roses and sunsets and great sex.” He tried one of his
semi-sweet, puppy dog smiles.
She ignored the smile and his
last smartass remark and continued on with her concerns. “And I
don’t have the foggiest idea how to make a marriage work. At
least you had a good role model.”
“Yes, I suppose
I did, but only if I picked things up by osmosis, because I certainly
wasn’t paying close attention.”
“Your keen
powers of observation didn’t materialize until later?”
“Well
you have to be interested in the subject and Frank wasn’t a
subject that motivated me for a long time.”
“No, I
suppose not.” She took his hand in quiet commiseration.
“Do
you honestly resent me?” Being in physical contact again, he
dared to broach one of the many topics from their earlier
“discussion”.
“No. I don’t. You do
have faith in me, don’t you?” She followed his lead.
“Of
course I do.”
“Okay. That’s good, then.
Maybe we should start by trying to eliminate the button pushing that
seemed to be the hallmark of our non-traditional courtship?”
“We
certainly know what will hurt and it’s become too automatic to
use that knowledge in the heat of the moment.”
She took
her hand away from his and started to get up, but then decided it was
better to stay close. “I grew up in an abusive household. These
are not patterns that I want to repeat.”
He reached out
and turned her face gently back towards him. “I know that. It’s
not what I want either. I hope you know that I don’t mean half
of what I say. You have to look at what I do.”
She
shrugged away from his touch again in frustration. “I can’t
be a mind reader, Harm. It’s not a skill set that I have. With
the right interpretation, the meaning behind your actions is clear,
but we have too much history.” Taking a deep breath, she
relaxed back against the couch. “We need to take some of the
mystery out of this marriage. No more assuming. We agreed to share a
life together, for me that means talking to one another, not throwing
around old accusations. I hoped it did for you
too.”
==========================================================
“Let’s
pretend that we just met
And we’ve said nothing we
regret”**
==========================================================
“It
does mean that, but I do have a Y chromosome. You remember, don’t
you?” He smiled and renewed his assault on the back of her hand
and she didn’t resist.
“Yes, I remember.”
Her response was close to a sigh.
“We’re always
going to argue, Mac. We usually communicated pretty well about work
issues, even when we disagreed, now we just need to learn to transfer
that to our personal life.”
“Just so we don’t
transfer our personal life back to the office.” She turned and
lifted her legs onto his lap.
“You don’t think
they’d appreciate our non-verbal communication?” He began
to nuzzle the exposed portion of her neck.
“No, but I
know I do.”
“Are we okay?” He decided to
make one last check before diverting them completely from the serious
to the pleasurable.
“For now. We just have to keep
paying attention.” She offered a last comment before
surrendering to his ministrations. Maybe surrender wasn’t
altogether bad. She would consider that tomorrow.
“I’m
very good at paying attention.” His second hand began a gentle
caress of the thigh that had presented itself, as if for
inspection.
“Yes, you’ve demonstrated that skill
on more than one occasion.” Her own free hand began a gentle
exploration of his shoulders.
“Would you like a repeat
performance?” He tried to sound altruistic, but failed.
“Do
you really have to ask?” She snuggled closer, if that was
possible.
He groaned in response. “I thought we weren’t
supposed to assume anymore.”
“You might have a
point about actions speaking louder than words, at least in certain
circumstances.”
And then she kissed him. Or he kissed
her. Or maybe they kissed each other. They didn’t seem to have
any trouble at all with that art of compromise. And there was nothing
at all to regret. They were going to be okay.
The
End
=============================================================
*”Semper
Fi” (John Gorka)
John Gorka, Jack’s Crows
**“You
Wouldn’t Say That to a Stranger” (Pat Bunch, Doug
Crider)
Suzy Bogguss, Something Up My Sleeve