Title: It’s a Merry Christmas Eve
Author: Carrie

Rating: 13 and up

For Lisa, who said, "I would like to see a Christmas story set post-Paraguay. Change the time line so that Christmas falls within the 6 months after Paraguay when Harm is still with the CIA. (No Mattie!!) Harm goes to the Wall on Christmas Eve and Mac is there. They see each other for the first time in 6 months. The whole “never” and “you can have him” and “stating intentions” gets resolved with a great big happy Christmas bow slapped on top. How they get to a resolution I’ll leave up to the author - but personally, I’d love to see a heated exchange that leads to some down and dirty rassling in the snow, that leads to heat of another kind!"


*************


2310 Local
The Wall


Why had she come tonight?

Clay asked her out to dinner as he’d been apt to do whenever they spoke, but she declined yet again. Maybe she should have accepted just so she wouldn’t be alone for one more Christmas.

Not that she really ever was alone. It was more so that she had friends all around her, the Christmas spirit enveloping them all. Not this year. This year was cold, dark, and silent. There was to be no dinner with the Roberts, since they were going to Florida to visit Harriet’s parents.

Admiral Chegwidden was in Italy, so she couldn’t invite him to talk. Sturgis and Varese had each other. Coates was with friends. Where did that leave her?

Alone in her apartment, waiting for Christmas to end so she could get back to work. Or at least stop feeling the horrible ache in her chest for the one she truly wanted to spend Christmas with.

He wasn’t an option anymore.

Maybe that’s why she got up out of bed, put on her clothes, and drove to the Wall. Almost no one was around so she could be alone with the cold, the snow, and the candles set along the base.

Maybe she did all of that just so she had even the slightest chance to see him. Just a glimpse.

It had been six months since they’d spoken. In the beginning she called him daily, just hoping to hear him say something. Nothing. She’d memorized his answering machine message by heart. Whenever Clay called to ask for a date she always attempted to wheedle information out of him.

Now and again he caved and let her know what was going on, but mostly he kept his lips shut. Quite possibly because he wanted her and wasn’t going to let anything stand in the way of that.

In any case, here she was, standing alone in the cold in front of the Vietnam Wall, waiting, just waiting for the slight chance of seeing him again.

She knew why he was ignoring her. Why he cut her so heartlessly out of his life. It was what she said in Paraguay. Didn’t he know that wasn’t her talking? That was the pseudo-Mac. The one who had listened to a friend being tortured, who had almost been tortured herself, and who had to speak with a man who messed with her head in ways she never had imagined.

It wasn’t her talking. It wasn’t what she wanted. Didn’t he understand that? She’d gotten help. Admiral Chegwidden had forced her to see a shrink; he’d forced her to stop her mentally destructive behavior. She’d cut Clay out of her life even if he didn’t seem to get the message.

All she wanted for Christmas was Harmon Rabb. All she could find were the wisps of smoke he’d turned into during his tenure at the CIA.

“Where oh where is your son Lieutenant?” she whispered, running a finger over the engraving on the wall. “And why can’t I just get him out of my head?” She stood in silence a few moments more, freezing her ass off.

Finally she decided this wasn’t worth it. She was going home. And then it happened. She heard him.

“Hey.”

Oh God. Her head whipped around, watching the glorious sight of him walk towards her, his boots crunching in the dirty snow. He looked so…different. His hair was longer, curling over the collar of his leather jacket. She itched to run her fingers through the length.

Instead of the military uniform he always wore to honor his father, he was dressed in a pair of jeans, a pair of what she could deduce were combat boots, and a black leather jacket. The barest hint of a dark red shirt peeked out from under his coat.

What should she say? Say the first thing that comes to your mind, she ordered herself. “Hey yourself,” she echoed, still in disbelief over the sight of him. “Oh God Harm.” Before she knew it, she’d flung her arms around him in a tight embrace. “I missed you.”

No, he didn’t want this. He’d worked so hard to get her out of his life. “Please don’t be offended if I say I didn’t miss you,” Harm whispered, pushing her back. He almost delighted in the hurt look in her eyes. Then it hit him. Why was Sarah Mackenzie at the Wall?

Ah yes, she wanted to see him. Wasn’t that just sweet?

“I’m not offended,” she whispered, understanding his resentment towards her. Hell, if he said the things she said to him than she’d be this pissed off too. Plus, he’d worked for six months in the CIA. That in itself was enough to change anyone’s outlook on life.

Damn, he wanted her to be hurt. He wanted to see pain in her eyes, just like she’d seen the pain in his when she said ‘never’. “So you finally figured out a way to find me.”

“Yes. I’ll give you a minute alone with your father. Then I’d like to talk to you,” she said, her voice brisk and to the point. Maybe the old Mac would have let him push her around, but this one wasn’t going to let him get away that quickly. He was going to hear her out whether he wanted to or not.

“Fine, whatever.” Crap. He really didn’t feel up to talking tonight. He’d just gotten in from a mission in Africa and was insanely tired. All he wanted to do was sleep for ten years.

“I’ll just be over there.”

“Fine.”

Once he was sure she was out of earshot, Harm rounded on the wall. “I can’t do this,” he muttered, filled with anger. Anger at what he wasn’t sure. Her? Himself? This wasn’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to see her again. “Dad what am I going to do?”

Well if his father had an idea, he wasn’t saying.

Several minutes later, Harm figured he couldn’t stand in front of the wall any longer. Taking a deep breath, he stared straight ahead at the name engraved in the black granite. “Dad,” he murmured, running his thumb over the indentation. “Save me from saying something I’m going to regret.”

With a final touch of his fingers, Harm turned to face the inevitable. Filthy snow sloshing beneath his feet, he walked over to where Mac was waiting by the statue of the three soldiers.

“I don’t want to do this here,” she began, arms crossed defiantly over her chest. “Your place is closer. I’ll follow you.”

“Well go right ahead,” he said sarcastically, following her up to the parking area. “This obviously is important.”

“Yes it is Harm. It’s very important. It’s also Christmas so you could at least give me the benefit of the doubt. I’ll see you at your place,” she practically spat out, climbing angrily into her car, the slam of the door echoing in the thin air.

Amused, he watched the Corvette screech off into the night. “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas,” he sang under his breath, tossing the keys of his own Vette into the air.


Twenty Minutes Later
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station


“Harm I know you don’t want to talk, but can we please discuss why for the past six months you’ve severed all contact with me?” Mac demanded, shrugging off her coat.

Harm tossed his own jacket onto the table, heading over to make some coffee. If he had coffee. Did coffee go moldy? Ew, his obviously went in some other direction than plain coffee.

After several minutes of searching for coffee that didn’t have a film of dust on the top, Harm spoke. “I have severed all contact with you, because I didn’t want to think about you. If I thought about you than I’d want to find you and I’d want to tell you how stupid you were acting in Paraguay.”

Bastard. “Well I wouldn’t have had to act that way if someone wasn’t using his famous euphemisms and ambiguous statements. How the hell am I supposed to know what you’re saying half the time if Navy Intelligence has to decode it for me?” Mac demanded, the heels of her boots clicking on the hardwood floor as she stalked into the living room.

“Maybe I wouldn’t have had to use phrases like that if you weren’t acting all chummy with Clay.”

“Clay is a friend!” she shouted, her arms waving in the air. “He was hurt Harm! I would have done the same for you!”

“I gave up my career for you!”

“You never told me!” Mac yelled, furious, her arms reaching out to push him across the living room.

The old Harm might have let her do that, but this one did not. Instead, he pushed her shoulders back towards the wall. “I wasn’t the one who said never,” he whispered coldly, his words dripping with icicles.

Her eyes flashed with heat. “I wouldn’t have had to say never if you just told me you were in love with me.”

Their faces were now inches apart, both of their chests rising and falling rapidly with every heated breath they took. “God help me,” Harm prayed before he crushed his lips furiously against hers.

Mac could almost feel the punishment in his kiss. The hard, angry way his tongue gripped hers, the way his fingers pushed their way through her hair. With just as much anger she responded, linking her ankle around his, kicking him down to the floor.

Seconds later both of their sweaters were off and they were wrestling with their jeans. “Bedroom,” Mac gasped, her strangled gasp turning into a strangled moan as his fingers began to do some clever little dance. “God Harm you’re killing me.”

“I’m killing you? Try vice versa,” Harm mumbled, yanking her up off the floor and into his bedroom.

Almost an hour later, they lay side by side in the dark, neither wanting to speak about what just happened.

“That was…” Mac whispered, trailing off. Dirty. That was probably the dirtiest, the most passionate, the most amazing sex she’d had in her entire life. Was it because they were so mad at each other?

Or was it because they were so in love with each other they had to do anything possible to just let the other know even the slightest?

An eyebrow raised, Harm glanced over at her. “Dirty,” he finished. “It was sex Mac.”

“No it wasn’t,” she snapped at him, sitting up. “Harm that wasn’t sex. This was something so much more than sex. I don’t care what you say but I know that I’m sorry for what I said in Paraguay. I was lying. That wasn’t me. Harm we can only happen if both of us are ready to let it happen. I’m ready.” She took a deep breath, steeling herself for the worst. “Are you?”

Was he ready? These past six months had been torture for him. Everyday despite his better judgment he thought of her. Just seeing her tonight brought all those feelings up. Earlier he wanted to see her hurt because he hurt whenever he thought of her. Wasn’t that why he kissed her? Wasn’t that why he allowed this to happen even though all he wanted to do was sleep?

Yes. Yes that was it. He’d let it get this far because he wanted something to come of it. He wanted something to come out of their hurt. Despite acting in the contrary, he wanted her. He needed her. Slowly, he nodded his head. “Yeah,” he breathed. “Yeah I think I am.”

Her heart practically sang with happiness. “Oh thank God,” she gasped, falling into his waiting arms. “Thank God.”

“Yeah,” he breathed, holding her as tight as he possibly could. “Mac I’m sorry I let you run away from me. I should have chased after you. I’m sorry for how I treated you at the wall. I was so angry. I’m still angry, but I’ll deal with it.”

“No,” she laughed, cupping his cheeks in her hands. “No I shouldn’t have said those things. I shouldn’t have let you say those things about Clay and me when they weren’t true.”

“Let’s just both accept the blame.”

“Okay,” Mac whispered, staring into his beautiful blue-green eyes. Why hadn’t she ever noticed how his emotions were quite literally seen in his eyes? Now and again she could see it, but now…now all she saw was love shining back at her. “Harm I’m so in love with you.”

“Me too Sarah,” Harm replied, capturing her lips with his. “I’m in love with you too.”

This was how she’d wanted to feel for so long. To just be loved by a man she loved too. Holding onto him, she glanced through the window at the softly falling flakes of snow, a wide grin spreading across her face. “Merry Christmas Harm.”

“Oh yeah,” he laughed, pushing her back onto the bed with a slight nudge. “It is Christmas.”

She pulled away from him, staring for a moment into his eyes. When she spoke, her voice was soft and reflective. “I don’t think I’ve ever gotten what I’ve wanted for Christmas.”

“Really?”

Until now, Mac thought, pulling him back towards her. “Well,” she replied with a wicked grin, her legs wrapping around his waist. “Not until now that is.”


Two Hours Later


The past six months had taken an enormous toll on him. She could see that even while he was sleeping. The last time she saw him, he’d been celebrating his new job with Clay and Catherine. He was happy, his face unlined, his smile wide and relaxed.

Even in sleep she could tell that the lines around his eyes were not from laughing or smiling, but from stress. He’d only smiled several times that night and that was only while she was kissing him or when they kept telling each other that they loved each other.

It was still tough to believe that they’d managed to move through the mess that was Paraguay.

All in one night too. It was amazing what sexual tension could do for a relationship. Smiling slowly, Mac touched the pad of her finger gently to his cheek, stroking down to his lips.

He shifted, his eyes opening lethargically. “Hi,” he mumbled, snuggling closer to her. “What are you doing?”

“Just looking at you. You’re so…” she trailed off, not sure what to say to him. “You’re different. Not the Harm I last saw.”

“CIA changes people,” Harm mumbled, now fully awake. It had certainly changed him. “You see things, experience things you shouldn’t. I fly planes, but…Webb manages to snag me in for some pretty nasty operations.”

They hadn’t spoken of that in their haste to get to the bedroom. “Are you going to keep working there?”

“It’s my job Mac. It’s what I do. Just know that I will never, ever do the following,” Harm whispered, sliding his hand over her hip to tug her against him. “I won’t lie to you, I won’t betray you, and I will always love you.”

“I think that’s the greatest Christmas gift anyone’s ever gotten me,” Mac laughed, nuzzling her nose against his. “Merry Christmas Harm. I love you.”

“Merry Christmas Mac and I love you too,” Harm responded, capturing her lips with his. “And hopefully we’ll have a lot more.”

“If I have my way,” Mac giggled, snuggling deeper into his embrace. “If I have my way.”


THE END