Title: She's Not You
Author: Cece

From: JAG Junkie (Ronda)
Prompt/Wish: Jaggle Bells. Mac was strongly hinting that she would be alone at Christmas. I never understood why Harm was so desperate to find someone to spend Christmas with. I'd like to see him take her up on her subtle offer and forget about Jordan.

All the usual disclaimers.

AN: Everything that took place in the episode is the same. This story takes up from where the episode left off.


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I hate feeling sorry for myself. The misery is so self-perpetuating. But I have to admit I felt downright depressed as I walked up the stairs to my apartment, all alone on Christmas Eve. The building was unaccountable dark, and the elevator wasn’t working, so I assumed there must have been a power outage. It didn’t help that my toes and fingers were freezing, my hair was wet and matted, or that some inept driver had managed to slide right across the median, t-boning my car in the process.

The tow-truck guy, with the unlikely name of Elvis, had been apologetic for the long wait, but given the road conditions, he could hardly be faulted. He ended up giving me a ride home, and refused to accept payment, let alone a Christmas tip. So that mitigated my distress to some extent.

But try as I might to take all this in my stride, I couldn’t. I didn’t even care about the car, as no one got hurt. Nope...no one got hurt, not in the car accident at least. But the freezing temperatures, the bone-chilling wind, and the chaotic traffic were nothing compared to the hurt I was feeling deep inside.

Because you know, loneliness is everything it’s cracked up to be, and more. And pain, caused by someone you love—however inadvertently, is the worst feeling of all.

Well there it was, right there. I had finally admitted to myself that I was in love with Harm, truly, madly, deeply, in love with Harm. And Harm had hurt me as no one else could, by not even noticing I was going to be alone at Christmas of all times.

Stupid really. Harm owed me nothing, I guess. But weren’t we supposed to be best friends? I didn’t expect him to have romantic feelings for me. I’d only just admitted those to myself. Yet he knew I was going to be alone, and when we talked about it, he just blew me off and went out of his way to phone every old girlfriend in his well-used black book.

And then there was the real stinger. This pretty, blond, doctor shows up....Jordan something or other, and Harm insisted on interviewing her on a DUI charge. He could have held it over till after Christmas, and given the case to a more junior JAG. But no, Harm seemed intent on doing anything but spending time with me.

Apparently, Jordan had been swigging cough medicine with her eggnog, before getting into her car and smashing up a nativity scene. And then she wondered why she was up on a DUI charge? Harm had to figure that one out in their mutual “therapy” sessions. Okay, I know I’m being sarcastic. But when I walked in on them, they were talking with the intimacy of old friends, and Harm couldn’t keep his eyes off her. And did he have to offer to buy her dinner when he’d known her for all of a few hours? Oh yes, he included Chloe and me in the invitation, but it was clear he was just being polite. He knew I’d be taking Chloe home, and then he’d be alone with Jordan.

One way or another. the whole atmosphere at JAG HQ was emotional for me that day. Chloe’s reunion with her birth father was an amazing outcome of Bud’s clever sleuthing, and she was so happy, she didn’t even mind going home to her indifferent step dad. I too was happy for Chloe, but it was bitter-sweet. I was going to miss this annoying little girl when she eventually went to live with her father. She was all the family I had.

And then there was the Admiral, who felt it necessary to let me know that he was suppressing feelings for me, out of honour and duty. My discomfort made me want to get out of his office as fast as I could. But I kept it all professional with the words, “Understood Sir.” Attractive though the Admiral may be, I thought of him only as an avuncular and very senior officer. Darn Chloe and her overactive tongue.

All these thoughts were going through my mind as I climbed the stairs that were lit only by dim, emergency generator lights. I couldn’t wait to get out of my uniform and into a hot bath. But when I got to the door, I realized that my key was with my car keys, and they were in my car at Elvis’s compound, somewhere in the snowy State of Virginia. When I managed finally to get a hold of Leroy the building manager, he informed me that the power was out in some of the apartments, including mine, because a tree had fallen across an auxiliary power line. But not to worry, it was expected to be back up within a couple of hours. Meanwhile, he’d been in my apartment and shut off the water valve, because the sewer lines had backed up.

“Oh great,” I thought, that’s just what I need, a cold, dark apartment, no toilet, no warm bath, and no way of making so much as a hot drink.” I walked into what felt like a cave, and I half expected bats to swoop on my head. But at least I had a flashlight and candles.

Lucky me. With candles lit, I caught a glimpse of the Charlie Brown tree I’d had such hopes for, leaning sadly in one dark corner of the room. It tilted badly to one side, with the forlorn angel hanging upside down on one of the lower branches. Only one gift—my gift for Harm—was placed under the tree. I hadn’t had the chance to give it to him, and now it was unlikely I’d see him again until after Christmas. I tried not to think that Harm seemed to have completely forgotten a gift for me.

I was cold and hungry, and completely demoralized, so much so, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. So I did both– in that order.

I knew that there was a funny story in all this, somewhere. A story I’d tell my grandchildren about in the distant future. But for now, I couldn’t think of anything to do except sit and weep into my Pepsi.

I thought back to the scene in the elevator, when Harm made the grand gesture of offering to buy us all dinner. Bud and Harriet had rushed in before the doors closed, two, overgrown, brightly-coloured elves about to deliver Christmas cheer. And there was Chloe, excitedly chatting non-stop to anyone who would listen. Harm and Jordan stood close together, smiling into each others eyes, enclosed in their private space. And I stood alone, with a dull, crawling jealousy in the pit of my stomach. It took all of my resources to smile and pretend I didn’t care. But I did care. At that moment, I found myself hating Jordan, for being so damned pretty, and worse, because Harm seemed so enthralled by her.

Chloe and I ended up not joining Harm and Jordan for dinner, as the roads were chaotic, and I felt I should get her home as soon as possible. Besides, Chloe’s lived at the other side of town. Harm sounded relieved when I called him on his cell to say we’d gone straight to Chloe’s house. I could hear it in his voice. He seemed distracted and just a little too happy. The sounds of background festivities in the restaurant, made him shout as if he couldn’t quite hear.

“Okay Mac. Drive carefully, and tell Chloe Merry Christmas!! I’ll see you........” the last words were drowned out by a sudden burst of cheers and laughter from a no doubt, half drunk crowd. And then we lost the signal and his voice cut out altogether.

I just couldn’t understand Harm at times. We had become so close in Russia. And that time in the desert when he didn’t want to leave me hostage to the Bedouin chief, I felt a closeness that I’d never felt before. The fact was that Harm and I had developed a relationship that seemed, at times, inviolable. We were friends and partners, but I could swear I’d seen a warmth in his glance, and in his touch, that went beyond friendship.

We never said anything because of our positions in JAG. But I really felt that there was a thing between us....something unspoken, but nevertheless, real. We both let other people into our lives, like Annie and Dalton, but they were relationships that were doomed to failure from the start.

But then there were times, that I couldn’t read Harm at all. Maybe he honestly saw me only as the girl next door. All that aside, I still didn’t understand why he was leaving me alone at Christmas when he had no alternative plans. And why would he rather spend this particular holiday with a woman he hardly knew?

I didn’t want to know the answer, but I suspected that I’d be seeing Jordan with Harm a lot more in the future. There was just something about Harm’s behaviour when he was with her today.

If I’d felt depressed before, my thoughts were swiftly becoming moribund. I knew my face and hair were a mess, and I felt sticky and uncomfortable in the uniform I’d been wearing all day. But I just didn’t feel like moving. And so I sat, alone and crying in the cold, dark room, while in the distance, the midnight bells rang out over the snow-covered city.

***********************************

Almost at the same moment the bells began to peal, I heard the knock at the door. I prayed it was the manager with good news about the power. I wasn’t disappointed. But there wasn’t just one man standing in the dim light at my door. There were three.

The symbolism didn’t go unnoticed, as I stood there in my stocking feet, looking like I’d slept in a barn. There in front of me were Elvis the tow-truck guy, holding out my keys, Leroy, the building manager with his plumbing tools in a tatty leather kit, and at the back, towering above them both, was a tall, drop-dead gorgeous Navy Commander, bearing food and gifts and a very large grin.

There was a moment’s silence, and then suddenly, light flooded the hallway, the radio came blasting on in the middle of a choral rendition of We Three Kings, and the Charlie Brown Christmas tree fairy lights began to wink and blink, sending their points of colour around my dark apartment. Even the angel glowed from her upside down perch.

And then all four of us laughed as if this were the funniest joke ever. I guess you had to be there.

I invited them in, but Elvis politely declined, and Leroy stayed only long enough to turn on the water valve. Finally, there we were, just Harm and me, and if this were all Heaven had to offer, I’d take it any day.

The first thing Harm did was put on some soft jazz, and then run my bath water with plenty of perfumed bubbles. “I’m guessing you haven’t eaten, have you?”

“No, I didn’t have time. I was going to fix something when I got home.”

Harm grinned again, “Ha! I thought so. I know you too well. Don’t worry, I’ve brought some Italian take out....hope you don’t mind.”

“Didn’t you and Jordan just have dinner?” I asked him as if I had nothing better to do than pick at my open sores.”

“Nope....the wait was too long, so we went to the food fair at the mall, and she grabbed a burger and fries to take back with her. I drove her home. Then I went to the Wall which is why I’m so late.”

With that, he gave me a gentle shove into the bathroom, and went into the kitchen to heat up the food. I had questions but they would just have to wait.

I felt an effervescent happiness as I soaked in the tub. There was an intoxicating mix of aromas: cloves from the mulled wine Harm had on the stove, basil, and garlic, bubble bath and candles. I could barely contain my excitement. I didn’t expect anything other than Harm’s presence. But that was enough—more than enough—at least for now.

Harm even straightened the little tree while I was in the tub, and fixed the angel back in her top spot. He’d placed some gifts under the tree, alongside the lone parcel I’d put there. And as the room grew warm again, my spirits lifted higher. After we’d eaten, we got up from the table to go to the sofa. But Harm stopped me in my tracks by pulling me gently into his arms. “Let’s dance.”

He didn’t have to ask twice. Did I mention Heaven before? This was much better than Heaven. This was life, messy, surprising, exuberant, life. I can’t fully describe the way my body felt as we moved slowly to the music’s sensuous rhythms. The feel of his hips pressed to mine, made me weak inside. If he hadn’t been holding me, I would have melted into the ground then and there.

But I had to ask. “Harm, I got the feeling that you really like Jordan.” Harm pulled away slightly and looked down at me. “Yeah...I do. She has an interesting take on life. I like her a lot.”

“It seemed more than that Harm. You two were mesmerized with each other.” I smiled brightly as I spoke, but Harm wasn’t buying it.

“Mac..... don’t do this. Jordan means nothing to me. Okay, I admit that I had thoughts of dating her. She has everything I want in a woman...brains, beauty, wit, and a sense of humour. She’s even a squid.”

“But...?” I asked, sensing Harm’s hesitation.

“But, no matter how wonderful Jordan seems...is, she, well...she’s just...She isn’t...” Harm stopped and taking my face in his hands, he looked into my eyes. For that one moment—that hot, ecstatic, breathtaking moment, we stood there, drowning in each other’s eyes. Then, with his mouth so close his lips grazed mine, Harm whispered the rest of his sentence,

“She’s not you.”

And pulling my body tight against his own, he kissed me.

The End