Title: Knowing
Author: Odakota Rose
Disclaimer: The show JAG and any recognizable characters are the property of Don P. Bellisario and company. I make no money off this, and sadly, the only thing I have of value is a 1981 Volvo stationwagon.

Rating: Teen

Pairing: Harm/Mac

Spoilers: Jagathon - what if their conversation went differently?

Wordcount: 1366


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Knowing


I can't believe you're here
But I know that you're real
I know what I want
And baby it's you
~~Aimee Mann, "Dreams"


It's echoing in her ears, these last few words, they've said. An all too ambiguous promise to make a fresh start, and she wonders if that's going to be enough for them this time. Every few years they seem to come to a crossroads, but even those have been coming more frequently lately, and flashes of missed opportunities run through her mind at night when she's feeling thoughtful. Some days she wonders if they'll ever get it right.

They stand in silence for a few brief seconds, letting themselves cool out from the run, going through the motions of stretches and deep breaths as she thinks about this latest squabble. For all their bickering, neither of them really won and she's starting to think the bickering is going to ruin them if it keeps getting between them like this. First and foremost they are friends, though the past few months seemed to challenge that too.

By unspoken agreement, they get moving again, heading down a quiet path, each step taking them farther away from the small crowd bustling around the finish line. There’s really no reason they should keep walking, but they do, and it gives them a little bit more time to absorb this latest change. When they finally stop, they’ve walked a good bit down the path, but it’s quiet and peaceful here, and she thinks maybe they should talk about this.

He's looking unusually calm for having just gotten over another of their arguments, but he's hiding questions behind that smile, he's still just a little too tense for her to believe he's completely at ease. Well, at least they're both in that boat. It's sad that she's not completely comfortable with her best friend right now, especially after all these years. But there's too many things still unsaid and simmering just below the surface, and she's just plain tired of arguing with him. So they stand together, and it's awkward, and she's sick of that too, so someone has to say something to stop it.

"Where does back at the beginning put us?"

It could've been her saying that, but it’s not and he looks like he knows where he’s taking this. She's glad somebody does. She knows what she wants - she wants him, but the getting from here to there is another matter altogether.

"Harm... where is this going?"
The yo-yoing they've been doing almost since they met is getting frustrating, so talking will either make things worse or better. She's hoping for much better.

"We talked about this, Mac. This past year... They couldn't get past us, but neither could we. There is an us Mac, or at least there should be."

It's her turn to be thrown off balance, and she's fairly certain she's gaping at him, and he smiles, his expression open, for once, and she sees hope, and worry, and fear in his eyes. He's gone out on a bit of a limb here, and she loves him for that. For plenty of other reasons, too.

”Okay Sailor, you’ve convinced me - let’s make complicated things simple.”
They can't help smiling now, unwilling to give up this newfound momentum.

"I know what I want back at the beginning to mean Harm, do you?"

She can see it in his eyes, yes, she knows what he wants--he made it hard to ignore this time--but it's still a little hard to believe that they're actually getting to this point, and she just wants to hear it. She can admit that to herself.

"I know what I want, too, I have known for a while. I want this."

He makes a vague gesture between them, but he doesn't stop there.

"I want you, and I know what I want to do about it... Mac you need to know that I didn't mean what I told Sturgis. For a lawyer, I'm not the best at communicating with you. About you either.. I want to try though."

For all the miscommunication, it seems all they needed was simple honesty, with themselves and with each other. And the thought that it really was very simple all this time doesn't keep her from getting a little misty-eyed and as clichéd as it is, she does find herself blinking back a few tears.

"Damn, Harm, I keep ending up crying around you."

He's a little taken aback by that before she grants him a watery grin.

"They're good tears this time."

He relaxes then, probably for the first time in a while, at least around her, and she loves that when he's at peace like this it makes her heart flutter a bit. A few more tears slip down her face and he's brushing them away with the pads of his thumbs as she complains about what a mess she is.

"You're not a mess, you're beautiful, Mac."

She doesn't have enough time to come up with a reply for that before he's leaning towards her, slow enough that she knows it's happening this time and meets him halfway, eyes drifting shut. Whenever she imagined this moment, she'd always thought it would be fast and hot, born more out of desperation than tenderness, and yet the reality is different, maybe even better. It still feels strange thinking about the fact that they kissed at her engagement party, and the memory of that kiss still sends both a pleasant tingle and a twinge of sadness through her because it was so characteristic of them, so afraid to let go but too afraid to lose each other. Where that kiss was desperate, this one is confident, slower, yet still passionate, and a shiver runs up her spine when one of his hands lands at the small of her back, the other still touching her face while hers have somehow ended up looped behind his neck.

When they draw back, she’s fairly sure that the silly grin he’s wearing when she opens her eyes is the same as her own, and she knows they’re both sweaty and grimy from the run but she can’t bring herself to worry about it too much, so she simply stays where she is, wrapped in his arms and content for the first time in a long while.

“In case you weren’t sure Harm, I want you, too.”

If anything, his smile gets bigger, and she figures it’s probably time to give up pretending that grin doesn’t do things to her. He drops a quick kiss on her lips and the whole thing feels a bit surreal. They’ve been... not exactly fighting, but not exactly close for a while, and they’ve spent the better part of the past twenty-four hours feuding like children over defensive words that didn’t make sense anyway. And yet now they’re here. On the same page. At the same time.

They drift closer again, only to stop on hearing the low whine of an engine a little ways down the path. They separate and tug and straighten things, making sure they look the same as before, and Harm pauses long enough to send her a look that she feels down to her toes.

“So we’re back at the beginning?”

She pauses as if it takes some great amount of thought.“Yes. Well.... Mostly.”

“In that case, do you know any hungry Marines who need dinner tonight?”

She gives a rather unladylike snort and then she’s laughing and wondering how long it’s been since they’ve been happy like this.“I’m sure I can find somebody.”

Harriet’s coming up the trail in her golf cart now, and they share another smile, before they turn to greet her, and if Harriet notices anything different about them, she keeps that to herself as they head off to find Bud. Sturgis will no doubt gloat and tease over his victory, and Gunny and Tiner will probably sulk for a few days before going back to their usual back and forth. Bud and Harriet will be serene. Life goes on, but they are different now. Maybe they won after all.