Title: Life, Rounded with a Sleep

(title paraphrased from “The Tempest”)

Author: Lisa

Prompt: “Pay attention to your dreams tonight - they will tell you what you need to enhance a relationship.”

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, only borrowed from DPB.

Category: Drama/Romance/Humor/Angst ?? I’m hoping it’s a little of each – mostly romance.

Rating: PG

Word Count: approximately 2,800


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Life, Rounded with a Sleep


With each gust of wind, the snow swirled in a beautiful, yet blinding, display of nature, making driving more difficult and prolonging his commute home. Listening to some amateur psychologist on the radio to pass the time, Harm shook his head at the trite advice dished out. ‘Embrace the lessons of every challenge. … Expect good from everything that seems bad.’ “Psychobabble”, Harm mocked. Finally arriving home, he turned off the annoying drivel and grabbed the takeout bag containing what would be his supper before stepping out into the bitter wind. He stomped through the drift forming across his path, shaking the wet snow from his cover as he entered the building.

Harm sighed wearily as he opened the door to his cold, quiet apartment. An adjustment to the thermostat would take care of the temperature, but he didn’t have a solution to the chill of loneliness. He once welcomed the solitude, but no longer. Not since Mattie entered his life in a whirlwind of youthful exuberance and not since he had finally acknowledged to himself that he was ready for a life with Mac, ready to let go of everything that had held him back. Yet neither person was in his life, not as he wanted them to be.

Now the silence was just a reminder of what he didn’t have, what he may never have. For all intents and purposes, his role is Mattie’s life was pretty much over. She was where she belonged – back in Blacksburg, back with her father. But getting that taste of fatherhood made him long for the real thing even more, whether or not his DNA was involved.

And Mac. Moving to hang up his overcoat and cover, Harm heaved a defeated sigh at the thought of the distance they had allowed to grow. It seemed the divide between them was only broadening. He was beginning to doubt they would ever both be in the position to bridge it. They had a semblance of their friendship back – after Paraguay and Webb, Sadik and endometriosis. But for him, it wasn’t enough. He longed for so much more than friendship with her.

Dropping onto the cold leather couch, Harm opened the takeout bag, spreading an array of containers on the coffee table. He rarely ate Chinese any longer. Somehow, it always made him think of Mac. Made him think of times when things were good between them. Hopeful. Working on cases over cartons of Chinese. Sharing noodles and sharing laughter. Starting her sentences and she finishing his. Hell, even Ho’s Organic Noodle House reminded him of Mac. He didn’t know why he’d gone there tonight - especially tonight. Maybe he was just a glutton for punishment.

Harm wondered what Mac was doing; she was gone on a case this afternoon and he hadn’t spoken to her all day. Was she sitting home alone, too? He briefly considered calling her, but quickly rejected the idea. Absently looking around his stark apartment, void of any holiday cheer, he wondered if her apartment was as beautifully decorated as last year. He found himself daydreaming of what it would be like to decorate a home together.

Listlessly, he picked at the lukewarm Lo Mein. Gazing at the snow blowing horizontally past his window, he wasn’t relishing the thought of getting out in this weather again. He should have stopped on his way home from work, but he always preferred to go later in the evening when the busy streets of DC were finally quiet. When he could be alone with his dad. Actually, he had hoped he and Mac would be in a good place in their relationship by this Christmas and that she would go with him. She’d been there last year, coming through for him once again, in spite of the nasty things he had said to her. Shame and regret filled him as he thought of the hurtful words he’d hurled before leaving her apartment last December. He had been humbled to realize she had forgiven him, making it possible to spend Christmas with Mattie. However, the happiness of that moment at the Wall with Mac and Mattie had dimmed when she left for a date with Webb.

Just the thought of the weasel and what he’d put Mac through made him want to hit something. Crushing the empty carton in his fist, he opened the bag to discard the now mangled remains. Pausing at the sight of the obligatory fortune cookie at the bottom, he reached in and pulled out the small cellophane-wrapped morsel before stuffing in his trash. Tossing the fortune cookie onto the table, he simply stared at it. Another reminder. He hadn’t cracked open a fortune cookie since that night. The few times he’d eaten Chinese since then, he’d always thrown out the fortune cookie unopened, not wanting to think about his failure to follow through with the exhortation of the last fortune he’d received. “Your deepest desire is the road not taken. Take it.”

Addressing the unopened cookie, Harm protested the accusation he felt from the very presence of the inanimate object lying there. “I did try to follow through, you know. At the Admiral’s Dining Out. If that wasn’t stating intentions, I don’t know what is.”

‘But look at what she had just been through. Webb’s supposed death. The blow of finding out she had little chance of ever conceiving. Was she really in a position at the time to look to the future? To consider what you were offering?’ Harm sighed in frustration as the rebuttal echoed in his head.

Stubbornly protesting the prick of conscience, he argued, “That may be, but she still hasn’t been ready to move forward. Even after finding out Webb had been lying to her. On the beach at Manderley, I again let her know I wanted her. The road not taken is a two-way street, after all. She has to meet me half way.”

Again he heard that annoying voice of reason, undermining his self-justification. ‘Yes, but you gave up too quickly. You walked away without really listening to her, or trying to convince her to let go of the past and let you in. You didn’t tell her the words you know she needs to hear.’

“It’s obvious how I feel about her. She should know that.”

Harm shook his head in disgust. “Good grief, Rabb, now you’re carrying on conversations with a fortune cookie.” Angrily, he ripped open the package of the offending object, allowing the fortune to fall to the table as he broke the cookie in half. Stuffing the pieces in his mouth, he mumbled sarcastically, “Take that Jiminy Cricket – or should I say, Confucius.” Reluctantly, his eyes were drawn to the bit of folded paper. As if of its own volition, his hand reached out and picked it up. Unfolding it, Harm read to no one in particular, “Pay attention to your dreams tonight - they will tell you what you need to enhance a relationship.”

“Ha!” He scoffed. “How can I enhance a relationship I don’t even have? That’s what I get for reading fortunes.” Wadding up the slip of paper, he tossed it in the bag of trash where it belonged. Rising to throw the bag away, he was interrupted by the ringing of the phone.

Answering it, his brooding self-pity ended abruptly as his whole world skidded to a halt. An accident. Mac had been in an accident. Out of instinct he jotted down the name of the hospital she had been taken to, but heard little else the paramedic had to say. All he knew was he could lose her. No matter what their relationship was or wasn’t, he couldn’t go on without Sarah MacKenzie’s presence in his life is same way, shape, or form. He had tried it for six months and found that it was utterly impossible.

Driving as fast as conditions allowed, Harm repeatedly pled, “Dear God, please don’t take her away from me.” Fear had a stranglehold on his heart as he wiped moisture from his eyes. Would he again lose the most important person in his life on Christmas Eve? “Help her, Dad. Help me.”

Arriving at the hospital, he frantically waited at the front desk for information from the obviously incompetent clerk. Finally learning that Mac had been admitted and to which room, Harm nearly ran down the maze of corridors in search of her. Pausing outside the door, he took a deep breath, trying to slow his racing heart. Entering, the breath caught in his throat at the sight of her still form. She looked so fragile against the stark white of the hospital bed. Only when she turned to him with surprise, smiling slightly in spite of her battered face, did he release the breath he was holding. Momentarily rooted in place, Harm was flooded with a feeling of immense relief that she was alive and appeared to be relatively unhurt. Moving to her side, his relief only intensified when the doctor confirmed she would be okay.

Hearing of her totaled car, Harm was overwhelmed at how close he’d come to losing her. Someone must have been watching out for her indeed.

Nothing was more important at the moment than being close to her and he sank in the chair beside her bed to keep watch. “I’m going to stay here tonight.”

“Did you go to the Wall yet?”

‘Tell her’, he heard the voice in his head admonish.

“I’ll go to the Wall next year.” ‘That should make it clear to her, right? That she’s more important to me than going to the Wall, more important than my dad, more important than anything,’ Harm reasoned.

Silence fell as he studied her. The tender strains of “O Come All Ye Faithful” drifted softly through the open door. Watchful, Harm grew concerned as he saw her eyes well up with tears.

“I’ve been pushing you away.”

“Yeah, you have,” he admitted.

“I’m sorry!” Her plea was filled with remorse as she turned her head to meet his gaze.

“It’s okay. You had to figure some things out. I understand.” Taking her hand he squeezed reassuringly. “Look Mac, nothing’s changed, I’m still here. Let’s just enjoy the good news. Be happy, you’re alive!”

“You know what makes the news better? We both are.”

Smiling, she fell asleep as he stroked her small hand. Relishing the feel of it in his, the way their hands looked linked together. Delicate softness mixed with callused strength. Long after sleep caused her hand to go limp in his, he held on. Wanting the connection, the reassurance of her presence. Forever. What he wanted was for their hearts to be linked as their hands were now. Finally, he sat back and closed his eyes. Sleep was a long time coming, but eventually it claimed him, as well.

Fitfully, Harm tossed and turned as much as the confines of the uncomfortable chair allowed. As he drifted off, a disturbing dream flooded his subconscious. In his dream, Harm found himself climbing a mountain. Looking down, he noticed fortune cookies covered the ground. With each step he took, a cookie broke open and a voice cried out, “Turn here – take this road.” “Follow your heart’s desire.” “Pay attention! Enhance your relationship.” “Don’t walk away.” “Tell her. Say the words!”

Suddenly, Mac appeared in front of him. Putting her hands on his shoulders, Mac’s tear-filled eyes met his. Her voice laden with sorrow, she repeated the same mantra. “I’m sorry! I can’t do it.” As she spoke, she began pushing him away – closer and closer to the cliff behind him.

Instead of stopping her, Harm took a step backwards with every push. Reciting back to her, “It’s okay, Mac. I understand. It’s okay.”

Harm woke with a start. “No!!”

His heart pounded as his eyes darted around, getting his bearings. His gaze settling on Mac, he noticed she, too, was now awake and, in spite of the dim light of her hospital room, he saw the concern reflected in her eyes.

"Are you okay, Harm?"

Feeling a bit foolish, he tried to deflect. "Hey, I should be asking you that. I’m sorry I woke you."

"Bad dream?"

Hesitating, he could swear he heard the words from his fortune cookie. ‘Pay attention to your dreams tonight….’

"The worst."

"Want to talk about it?"

Sitting forward, he took her hand once again. "Actually, there is something I need to say, Mac, and I can’t wait. I know I always pick the worst times to do this, and I’m afraid this is no exception, but here goes. It’s about what I said earlier tonight, about just being happy you’re alive. Well, I’m not.

"Excuse me???" Harm could hear the incredulity and hurt in her voice.

“Wait, that came out wrong. Of course, I’m happy you’re alive, Mac. You don’t know what it did to me when I heard that paramedic telling me you’d been in an accident. Dear god, the thought of losing you … it would kill me. And that’s my point. Just being alive – if I’m not with you, and I mean really with you – is just surviving, it’s not really living. And I think perhaps you’re just surviving, too.”

“Harm, I …”

“No, wait Mac, don’t say anything yet. Please, just let me finish. Okay? Speaking of which, you have been pushing me away and although I said it was okay, it’s not Mac. I told you last spring that I’m tired of looking in on your life, I want to be a part of it. And I still do. I’ve decided, Mac, if you continue to push me away, I’m going to be pushing right back until you let me in, Marine.”

Harm inwardly smiled at the challenging glare Mac fixed upon him, happy to see a glimpse of his feisty Marine. “Oh, really? Well, you can’t make me let you in, Harm.”

Softly, tentatively Harm questioned, “Why do you choose to be alone, Mac?”

Startled at hearing the very words Commander McCool has spoken to her two months previously, Mac asked, “What did you say?”

“You’re choosing to be alone, Mac, when we could have an incredible life together. And your choice to be alone causes me to be alone, too.”

Indignantly, Mac replied, “I’m not forcing you to stay single, Harm. You can get any woman you want, I’m sure.”

“No I can’t, Mac. Because you’re the only woman I want. There will never be anyone else for me besides you, Sarah MacKenzie. I love you, Mac, and I want a life together – with you.”

Mac’s eyes flooded with tears at Harm’s fervent declaration, “I don’t know if I can, Harm. Maybe it’s just too late.”

“It’s not too late! Although, it is time to let go of the past – all the hurts and the misunderstandings. Have faith, Mac. Have faith in yourself, in me. Have faith in us. I heard on the radio tonight, well at the time I called it psychobabble, but there is some truth in it. ‘Trust in the way things work’ …”

Mac cut in, “ and expect good from everything that seems bad.”

Harm grinned. Their connection was back. “There you go, finishing my sentences again.”

“No, you’re starting mine, flyboy.” Mac’s smile matched his and her eyes sparkled with what Harm hoped was love.

“So what do you say, Mac? We’ve already had one Christmas miracle tonight; there’s no law against two. Are you ready to go down the road not taken – with me? I love you, Mac, and I need you.”

The tears filling her eyes spilled over. “Harm, I love you, too – so much. And, yes, I do want a life with you. I’m ready.”

The smile that spread across Harm’s face was one Mac had never seen before. Joy, she decided, was the best description.

Leaning forward, Harm hesitated his mouth mere inches from her bruised and swollen face. “I so want to kiss you, but I don’t know where. I don’t want to hurt you, Mac.”

Settling for the lightest brush of his lips upon hers, he murmured, “That’s a down payment on what’s to come. And believe me, I’ll be paying in full - as soon as I get you home and you’re not so black and blue.”

Mac smiled. “Home. That sounds nice.”

“What’s nice is the Christmas dinner I’m going to make after we spring you tomorrow. I learned along time ago the way to my Marine’s heart, you know.”

“Harm, this might sound crazy, but do you think we could get Chinese instead? I’ve had this incredible craving lately for Chinese takeout …”

The End