HBX Fanfic challenge January 2006

Title: Clarity

Author: TR

Set during “There goes the neighborhood”. Harm is staying with Jennifer Coates to make sure she’s safe after everything that’s gone down, and her “friend” escaping. They talk about some interesting things. This isn't the greatest piece I've ever done, but I wrote it today off the top of my head. I hope you like it.

This in response to the HBX fanfic challenge for January 2006.

Disclaimer: I don't own JAG, but if I did I would make sure every blooper, and every cut scene was included on every DVD set released for the show.

Honest Feedback is always appreciated.

Clarity
By TR
Mild rating

“I appreciate your concern for my safety, but don't you think you'd be better off going home and getting a good night's sleep?” Jen said, as she watched Harm yawn through his nose.

”I wouldn't be able to sleep if I was home. I seldom do.”

Jen cocked her head to the side and studied him. “Still having nightmares?”

Harm’s eyes widened. “How do you know about that?”

“When I hear you leave your apartment to go running at 3 AM, I figure it’s probably a good bet."

"How do you know I'm going out running?"

"I don't hear your car start. You want to talk about it?”

Harm smirked. “Should I be lying on the couch for this?”

“No where you’re sitting is just fine.” She dead panned. “I know you’re my CO, but you’re also my friend. I’m offering you an unbiased ear.”

“Unbiased?” He asked with a slight smile.
She smiled back. “Mostly.”

He took a deep breath, looking uncertain.

“It’s Colonel Mackenzie isn’t it.”

He didn’t waste time pretending he didn’t understand. He simply nodded.

Jen sat up in her chair, “I really don’t mean to pry, but what’s going on between the two of you?”

“I wish I knew. Things seemed to finally be heading in the right direction, and then something changed. I don’t know why.” He sighed and leaned back in his seat. “Something always changes.”

“So this isn't something new?”

“No.”

“Good.”

His eyebrows rose. “Good?”

“Yeah good, then you have experience to draw from. Tell me this, in the other times that you have felt…” she paused searching for the right word. “…separated from each other, what was the cause of it?”

“You’re Psych class is kicking in again isn’t it.”

Jen rolled her eyes, not falling for the evasion.

He conceded. “What happened?” He asked to himself. “Misunderstandings usually, on both sides. A break down in communication.”

“So why would this time be any different? There’s got to be a misunderstanding somewhere. Patterns like this don’t change that easily.”

His brow creased. “I don’t know.”

“Okay, when did you begin to see the change? On a personal level I mean.”

“A few weeks ago.”

“What happened around that time?”

He paused, thinking. “We were mostly dealing with work.”
“What cases?”

“Mac was prosecuting that polygamist, and I was working on the Wainwright case.”

“The Wainwright case?” She paused, remembering. “OH, the Wainwright case, that’s the one you were working on with Alicia Montes?”

He nodded, even as his face changed. She could see the moment realization hit.

“Now you know what happened don’t you.”

He sighed. “Yes. Damn it!” He looked at her, “just so you know, there was never anything going on between Alicia and me. We were having a working dinner when Mac showed up. She wanted to talk, the food was burning, I asked her to wait just a second so I could take it out of the oven, and when I got back Alicia told me she’d left.” He ran a hand through his hair. “She said she’d call, but she never did. I should have caught on to this.”

“Yes you should have.” She frowned. “Your instincts are pretty good, why didn’t you get this one?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know. Maybe I’ve been spending so much time since I came back to JAG trying NOT to see how Mac feels.” He shifted. “And who she feels it for. That I missed the feelings I’m supposed to be paying attention to.”

“Her feelings are for you. All of them.” Jen told him.

“Are you sure about that?”

“Absolutely. When you were gone, something in her died. She was somehow out of sorts, and yet precisely accurate at the same time.”

“What do you mean?”

Jen leaned forward, engaging his full attention. “Personally she was at sea. She tried to cover it up, but we all saw it. Professionally, she was precise and rule oriented. Only the letter of the law would do. No leniency. Don’t get me wrong she wasn’t terribly unpleasant to be around, but she wasn’t our Mac either.”

“And you have a theory as to why, don’t you.”

She smirked. “As a matter of fact I do. I think her whole world was turned upside down, and she was trying to cling to something solid. Something concrete, like the law.”

“Well, she’d been through a lot.” Harm said, taking up for her.
“Yeah, and you weren’t there to pick her up out of it.”

Guilt clawed at him, even as he grew defensive. “I tried. She didn’t want me.”

“I’m not blaming you Harm; I’m just saying so much of her personal strength depends on you. You weren’t there, so she was struggling. And, how do you know she didn’t want you?”

His jaw twitched for just a moment. “She told me it would never work out between us.”

Jen frowned. “Why did she say that?”

“She said we both wanted to be on top, and that was impossible in a relationship.”

“And what was your response to that?”

“Nothing.” He shrugged. “I didn’t know what to say.”

Her eyes widened. “So you just accepted it?”

“No I didn’t accept it, I just didn’t know what to do.”

“So you did nothing.” It was a statement.

“Yes, I did nothing. I’m not proud of that, and I didn’t do well without her either. She wasn’t the only one struggling.”

Jen was quiet for a moment. “She thinks you don’t love her.”

“What?”

“Mac thinks you don’t love her.

“How do you know that?”

She regarded him with an expression that only said, ‘duh’. “She tells you why she’s afraid it won’t work out between the two of you, and you do nothing to allay her fears, or try to work out a plan. Over a year later, when things just begin to get back to normal between you, she shows up at your apartment needing you, and you turned her away."

“But I didn’t turn her away, I asked her to wait.” He said in his defense.

“So that you could get dinner ready for another woman.” She paused, trying to keep her voice gentle. “I don’t know about everything the two of you have been through, but just these two examples show a lack of fighting on your part. You’re putting her feelings aside for something that you deem more important. Harm, I understand your point of view. But, however unintentional, you’ve hurt her. She thinks you don’t love her. Is she right?”

“No she’s not right, I do love her. And at the risk of sounding selfish, she’s not the only one who has been hurt, and had their feelings pushed aside.”

“That’s only selfish if you’re hurting her out of spite.” She replied.

“No! Of course not. It’s just that I don’t know how to deal with her on this level. I’m so used to her being strong, that I sometimes forget that she can be hurt by the littlest things.”

“We all can Harm, not just Mac, or women in general, but everyone. It’s the little things that sting the worst. Like paper cuts.”

He chuckled. “Paper cuts?”

“Yes paper cuts. If you are enthralled with reading a book, and yet every time you try to turn the page you get a paper cut, you do one of two things. You try to find a solution to the problem before you lose your fingertips completely, or you stop reading the book all together.” She narrowed her eyes. “How many times did you two try to turn the page in Paraguay?”

He gave no verbal response, looking troubled, and not a little uncomfortable.

She inferred the answer, and continued. “And how many paper cuts did you get? Both of you?”

He snorted. “I’m surprised we still have limbs.”

“That kind of pain hurts the worst Harm. The little barbs and cuts, those are what makes us want to give up.”

“She stopped reading the book.” He murmured.

“From where I’m sitting she wanted to find a solution first, but you didn’t give her any feedback.”

“That’s true. But I’m not the one who closed the book on us.”

“No you just didn't do anything to keep it open. She gave up on you, and you didn't try to convince her otherwise. You just gave up on her right back. You gave up on all of us. Whose idea was it for you to leave us all behind for five months, yours or hers?”

He stiffened. “I was working.”

Her eyes flashed. “Not all the time. Forget Mac for a second, you and I have been friends for years, and you didn’t check in to see how I was doing even once while you were gone. You didn’t return my messages either. You were the one who decided to walk away from all of us. She didn't make that decision for you.”
“I was kicked out.”

“No, you chose to leave to save her life. That was of your own accord. And if you expected to get your job back, then it wasn’t much of a sacrifice for her, was it? You quit your job, not your whole life.”

“I know.” He paused then looked her in the eye, seeing the hurt he'd caused her. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t that great a friend.”

She held his gaze for a moment, and then replied, “Accepted.”

Silence stretched between them.

“I’m sorry too.” She said finally. “I shouldn’t have brought up something that happened a year ago. It’s done with. I was just so used to you looking after me, and then you were gone. I...I didn't realize how much that hurt until now.”

He gave her a small smile. “It’s okay, I deserved that.”

“Harm, what do you think would have happened if you had stayed in town after the Admiral wouldn’t let you come back?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Okay, let’s ask it another way. What do you wish would have happened after the Admiral didn’t allow you to come back to JAG?”

He took a deep breath. “I wish I would have looked around at local law firms, maybe even done some pro bono work for family services, or Veterans. Stayed home and connected to the people I care about the most. I wish I would have been able to see what Mac needed, and give it to her. I sat at home listening to her messages, thinking that I would have done anything to keep her with me, and yet when I did have the opportunity, I didn’t do anything. I just got angry with her for not coming to me on her own, because of the sacrifice I made. Which, as you point out, wasn't much of a sacrifice since I didn't expect to have anything to lose. Come to think of it, she didn't expect me to have anything to lose either. So I guess she wouldn't see it as much of a grand gesture.” He stood, and walked over to the window, looking down on the side parking lot. “She hurt me, deep. But it wouldn’t have been as deep, if I had known that she wasn’t closing the door, but asking for me to come up with a way to keep it open.”

She sensed his heartache, and decided that it was time to bring things around to brighter subjects. “That’s all done with now. Let’s focus on the problem at hand. Providing I’m right about my assumptions, Mac thinks you don’t love her. What are you going to do to change her mind? Oh, and Harm, I find that the direct approach tends to work best for us female types.”
He managed to look simultaneously amused and scared to death. “So I’m just supposed to walk up to her and say, ‘I love you’?”

She shrugged. “It would work for me, providing you didn’t walk away after you said it. You know how to do this, you’ve dated. Just because she’s Mac, and this means everything to you, doesn’t mean you don't know how to romance her. She wants what every woman wants.”

“And what might that be?” He asked in all sincerity.

“You two have most of it already. The connection, the friendship, the support. All you’re missing is the romance. Women want what you two have, plus the romance and a warm body.” She stood up and headed to the kitchen to get a hot drink. “Come on Harm, you already love her, just go up and tell her so.”

“That’s it?”

She wiggled her eyebrows. “That warm body thing would probably be a nice touch.”

He blushed. “I shouldn’t be talking to you about this.”

She laughed. “Why not? You’re my big brother, remember?”

”That’s right. That’s why I’m here isn’t it. To chase away the bad guys.”

“Speaking of that, I think it should be fine, you don’t have to stay here. You’ve got more important things to do.”

“I’d be more comfortable being here, at least for tonight.” He said seriously.

“Okay, but at least call her.”

“Call who?” A familiar voice asked from the doorway. They both looked up to see Mac looking in from the partially opened door.

Harm grinned nervously. “Hey Mac.”

“Hey, I was just looking for you. Both of you actually, I heard there was some excitement at the train station.”

“Nothing Coates couldn’t handle. Have you been teaching her some of your Marine moves Colonel?” He asked with a wink.

She smiled back. “As a matter of fact I have.”

That earned a surprised look from Harm.
“Yes, she has.” Jen told him. “And thank you Colonel, those moves probably saved my life.”

“Glad to do it.”

A not entirely comfortable silence grew, as Mac watched a volley of significant glances pass between Jennifer and Harm. What the significance was, she wasn’t sure, but there was definitely something brewing. She held on to her coat.

“Have I interrupted something here? I can go if you’d…”

“No.” Jen said quickly. “You are exactly where you need to be, and if you don’t mind, I’m a little sore, I’m going to head to bed and relax.”

“No, not at all. I’m glad you’re okay.” Mac said sincerely.

“Thanks.” Jen smiled. “Goodnight.”

When Jen’s bedroom door closed behind her, Mac turned to Harm. “You’re awfully quiet all of the sudden.”

“Just thinking.” He said with a shrug.

“Anything important?” She asked.

“Yes.” He said simply. Then moved to stand in front of her. “I…I need to ask you something Mac.”

She frowned. “Is everything okay?”

“I hope so. It’s really going to depend on how you answer me.”

“Okay.” She said, with not a little trepidation.

He took her hand, making her eyes widen in surprise. “Mac, do you think I don’t love you?”

Her mouth dropped open. She tried several times to form a response but nothing would come out. “I…I don’t know how to answer that.”

“Maybe I should ask you this. Why do you think that I don’t love you?”

Her heart pounded in her chest. This question was easier to answer, and yet just as frightening. Of the myriad of reasons she could give, she decided to go with the simplest. “Because you’ve never told me that you do.”
“Is that the only reason?” He asked. Looking at her as if his life depended on her answer.

She looked away, escaping the intensity of his gaze. “No, that’s not the only reason, but it’s the most important one.”

He nodded. Swallowed once; twice; took a deep breath, and then took the plunge. “I love you Mac.”

Her lips parted, and her eyes darkened to almost a coal black. The shadow before the tears. Something Harm recognized all too well.

“No.” He whispered, as he drew her close. “No, don’t cry.”

"I'm overwhelmed.”

“I don’t care. I’ve seen enough tears from you to last a lifetime. No more. Not if I can help it.”

She nodded, willing them back. “I love you too.”

She felt him sigh against her hair. “Good.” He pulled back. “I know there are things that I need to explain. First and foremost, there has been no one else since Renee’ left. Not Catherine, not Alicia, not anyone.”

“I wish I could say the same.” She said, shame evident in her voice.

“I don’t care about the past Mac. As long as you tell me I’m the only one in your future.”

“If that’s what you want.”

He smiled. “It’s what I want. YOU’RE what I want.”

“Thank you Harm.” She said, then reached up and pulled him down to her. She hesitated a mere centimeter from his lips. Feeling his breath against her skin, drawing out the anticipation until it was impossible for them to do anything but come together. Their mouths met in a mesh of tenderness and passion. He buried his hands in her hair, as she held him around the waist. “You’re what I want.” She whispered to him, when their lips parted.

Harm closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around the women he loved. Thanking the God’s for prying little “sisters”, and second chances.

Jennifer Coates watched the scene from bedroom door, open only far enough to see. Grinning she picked up the phone. “Mattie", she whispered loudly into the receiver. "You won’t believe what’s going on right now in our living room!”

End of scene…Good? Bad? Charlie Horse? Let me know.