Nickel Trumps a Dime of Fate by doc

AN: I’ve had this story floating around in my head for over a year. If you remember back a couple of months before the JAG series finale, we were all speculating over what DPB would do with our favorite couple. At the time, few of us envisioned DPB actually getting Harm and Mac together. We hoped, we prayed, we petitioned the network to cancel JAG…but we didn’t know what would happen. Some of the pages from the ‘proposed script’ were leaked with a less than satisfying ending, and around that time CM issued a challenge for people to write a final episode of JAG based on what we thought the ending would be. The one that came closest to DPB’s actual finale was to win. I’m not sure what the prize was to be…blue M&Ms…an evening with Harm? The stories were to be posted to CM’s website. I was amazed that no one took up the challenge. Maybe if the prize had been an evening with Harm, more would have participated, but there wasn’t even one story posted to CM’s website. Ah, once the news of cancellation was released, and bits and pieces of the script for the actual finale were leaked, most of us forgot about our ‘feared ending’ and crossed our fingers and hoped for the best.

Of course in all honesty, I didn’t write one either…I was too chicken to write and post what I thought might happen, but I had one planned in my head. My previous story, ‘Joy Cometh in the Morning’, was what I wanted to happen. But this story was what I was AFRAID would happen. The more I thought about it…the more I figured I could write the cursed, frightful ending I thought we would get from DPB…but then tweak it…fix it, to make it one I would enjoy. So here is my FEARED JAG finale with a shipper twist. And just for fun, I plan to use ALL of the 2006 HBX challenge lines throughout the chapters in this story; I’ll point them out as they appear. Hope you enjoy.

Special thanks to CM for keeping me on the straight and narrow regarding military protocol, TQ for the script drafts and revisions, and to Mom my faithful finder and keeper of all things related to spelling and grammar.

Disclaimer: I don’t own JAG or any of the characters. I just take them out and play with them on occasion before replacing them safe and sound back on the shelf.

Part 1

20:00

29 April 2005

Adidas Cranston Huckleberry Hotel

Washington, D.C.

The evening was pleasantly cool and clear. The night sky was filled with stars, but somehow they didn’t shine as brightly as they had in an Afghan desert so many years ago. Harm shook his head to clear the memory, had it really been only 3 years ago. It seemed more like another lifetime, where had it all gone wrong? He only allowed himself to think about those memories on nights like this. Nights when he was alone and feeling sorry for himself. There’d been so much hope back then that they would figure out this ‘thing between them.’ Mic and Renee had left the scene, and though tentative with one another at first, he and Mac were moving forward. He scrubbed a hand over his face; they were supposed to be married by now with at least one kid at home and another on the way. But somehow, inexplicably fate had stepped in and stolen it all away. It wasn’t supposed to end like this.

He paced down the sidewalk in front of the hotel. This was supposed to be a celebration of his promotion and new billet, but he didn’t feel like celebrating. He was walking away from his dream of a family to a life filled with politics and protocol and…loneliness. Sure he’d have Mattie, he was grateful for that one constant, but he’d wanted so much more. Maybe he’d find someone new in London; he could start looking again couldn’t he? Life didn’t have to be over…he could still marry…have kids. The problem was, every time he allowed his mind to wonder that far ahead, he ran headlong into a vision of a little girl. A little girl with big brown eyes, soft russet hair, delicate features, and a strong disposition…a marine in-training so to speak. Try as he may, he could never picture his child’s face without seeing his Sarah. He released a sad sigh, well she wasn’t his anymore…hadn’t been for a long time. How had they let that happen? He knew they were both at fault. There were so many chances to change the final act, but they’d both plunged ahead without rewriting the lines.

He was interrupted from his musing by a friendly voice. “Good evening, Captain,” came Harriet’s subdued greeting.

I guess everyone’s a little melancholy tonight was his silent reply. Instead, he pasted on a smile and responded in kind, “Evening Harriet…Bud. Has anyone told you how beautiful you look this evening?”

Harriet blushed, “Not anyone who didn’t expect something in return.” She threw an agitated look toward her husband. Bud ducked his head to avoid the glare.

Harm chuckled at the pair, “Still smarting from the potential transfer?”

Bud had the good sense to look contrite, “Of course not, Sir. Harriet’s right…it really is best that we stay here in D.C. for now.” He glanced back toward Harm; and though his words said one thing, his eyes gave him away.

Harm extended a hand to Bud; who accepted it warmly. “I’m gonna miss you, Bud. It would have been great to have you aboard. Guess I’ll have to launch out on my own this time.”

Bud’s voice cracked as he returned the sentiment, “I’ll miss you and the Colonel too, Sir. The place just won’t be the same without you…no more Three Musketeers.”

Harm smiled at the phrase, “You’ll be OK, Bud. This gives you the chance to be senior attorney. I’m sure you’ll do us proud.”

Harriet wiped at tears that had yet to fall, “This is so sad. After tonight, we’re never going to all be together like this again.”

Harm dipped his head and responded back circumspectly, “Maybe that’s reason to celebrate.”

Bud deflated at the words, “Well, the last few years have been the best time of my life. I’ll never forget you, Sir. You and the Colonel helped me get to where I am today, both in my professional and personal lives.”

Harm looked away and muttered under his breath, “I’m glad I helped someone with their personal life…mine’s pretty much died a slow painful death.”

Harriet sniffed and gave him a pained smile, “What was that, Sir?”

Harm turned back to his friends, “Ah, nothing Harriet. It wasn’t important.”

She grabbed Bud’s hand for comfort, “I can’t believe it’s all coming to an end.” She sniffed again, “I’m sure Colonel MacKenzie feels that way too.”

Harm released a sarcastic sigh, “Yeah…sure. I…ah…”

Bud sensed his friend’s reluctance to engage in that particular conversation and gave Harriet’s hand a tug. “Why don’t we all head inside?”

Harm threw him a thankful smile, “You two go on ahead. I need a little time alone, before all the final goodbyes.” He watched the Roberts walk away and then moved further into the shadows. He smiled a rueful grin, maybe if he didn’t join the others; tonight would never end and tomorrow would never come. If only it were that simple. Time never stood still; except on lonely dark nights, when it mocked your cowardly choices.

He sat down on a brick retaining wall in the corner shadows. Closing his eyes and inhaling deeply to calm his emotions, he was hit by the sudden scent of roses. Looking around, he caught sight of the fragrant intruders in ornate pots lining the sidewalk. Even his senses warred against him, preventing him from fleeing the memories that threatened to crush his ambivalent facade. He closed his eyes tightly to blink back the sting of tears. The memories lingered undeterred behind his closed eyelids…a rose garden…familiar dark eyes…a handshake…a smile…Sarah, his Mac. His feelings, even in that first moment, ran the emotional gamut: shock, sadness, hope, intrigue, the possibility of new beginnings. He couldn’t have fathomed the intensity of the relationship that was to follow in the ensuing 9 years. No, he would never again know this depth of feeling…of love for any other woman, of that he was sure. As he glanced back up to the stars, he was hit by the realization, that that night in the Afghan desert would be his only remembrance of holding her in his arms. That memory would need to last him a lifetime. That was their chance to get ‘this thing’ right…to have moved forward. So many things could have been avoided if they’d just held on tight in that one moment. Their world had spun out of control just 12 months later…the Singer mess…Paraguay…Webb…Mac’s illness…Mattie’s accident. If only he’d made a conscious effort to express his deepest desires and emotions back in Afghanistan, they could have avoided all those pitfalls. Instead, their complacency in the notion that they had time, lots of time, eternal minutes of time, had stolen their eternity from them.

He stood to pace once again. Why did they have to be transferred now? They’d been working their way back to one another in the last 6 months. After Webb’s deceit, Mac had been tentative…almost afraid of getting involved again, but he’s remained a constant in her life, giving as little or as much as she’d asked. Then came her accident at Christmas, her spirit had finally started to blossom and open back up to him. The changes were tentative and slow, but they could do slow. They were famous for their version of the dance called slow. But the fates just couldn’t leave them alone, no, they had to throw in another inquiry into his character, tilting his emotional axis just enough to push him off balance. Throw in Mattie’s accident, and suddenly he was the one ducking for cover behind his well-constructed emotional barricades. He hid behind a strong veneer, afraid that the slightest acceptance of help would crumble those walls leaving him vulnerable. And if there was one thing that Harmon Rabb couldn’t tolerate, it was breaking down and showing others his weakness. So, in the end, he’d pushed Mac away once again, only this time it was forever. The fates had decided that enough was enough. The final curtain was to fall, and they would not be given an encore performance.

He walked out from the shadows toward the entrance of the hotel. Taking a deep breath to steel his resolve, he stood tall and walked through the doors to give his final performance. Goodbyes were hell, but he’d done them many times before. It was part and parcel of life in the military. Problem was, this time he would be leaving his heart behind, and he wasn’t certain he could recover from that loss. Five thousand four hundred and eighty nine miles…that was a long way from home.

He was met in the reception hall by General Cresswell and his wife. “Captain Rabb, we’ve been looking for you. It’s kind of hard to have a reception in your honor when you’re not here.”

Harm forced a smile to his lips, “I’m sorry, Sir. I was just getting a little air.” He looked around the hall; the room was filled with people…some he knew…some he didn’t. This was the beginning of the political networking required in his new position as Force Judge Advocate Naval Forces Europe. The name was already leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. He turned back to the General, “It’s a wonderful reception, Sir. I guess we should get this party underway.” The phrase, ‘So I can get out of here with my dignity intact,’ died silently on his lips.

He spent the next hour greeting and shaking the hands of dignitaries and the like. When he thought he couldn’t force one more, ‘Pleased to meet you,’ from his lips, Admiral Chegwidden came to his rescue. Harm hadn’t been aware his former CO even knew of his promotion. The Admiral whisked him away to the dark corners of the room for a bit of low key reminiscing over drinks.

“So Harm, they decided to give you a shot at a direct course to the position of JAG.” The Admiral flashed a warm welcoming smile.

Harm hadn’t realized just how much he’d missed that early camaraderie that had once existed between the Admiral and himself. He shook his head, “Go figure…I guess they’re not holding my past transgressions against me, Sir.”

The Admiral shook his head, “I’m retired now, Harm. Don’t you think it’s time you called me, AJ?”

The Admiral flashed another grin and Harm was taken a back at the notion of how much he was going to miss his JAG family. Family…that’s what they’d been all these years. He thought they’d lost something in the year following Paraguay, but somehow they’d all found their way back to one another…just like family. Would he find that again in London? Did he even want to allow himself to get this close to people again?

AJ roused him from his thoughts, “Still with me, son?”

Harm smiled back, “Of course, AJ. It’s just that….”

AJ nodded in understanding, “It’s hard to leave people with whom you’ve become so attached.” Harm gave a slight nod. “So, I hear Mac’s going to San Diego. That’s OK with you?”

Harm looked away to hide the pain in his eyes, “We go where we’re told…that’s life in the military, right?”

“But you’re going to stay in touch?”

Harm shrugged not meeting AJ’s questioning gaze, “Don’t know…I guess time will tell.”

AJ sighed in resignation; he’d always assumed they’d finally get it right. He knew they would be miserable apart; after all, he’d lived through the events and aftermath of Paraguay. Rabb and MacKenzie could be difficult to tolerate when they were at odds, but that was nothing compared to the torture they put him through when they were apart. Heaven help those poor souls in their respective commands. As Harm finally looked up to meet the Admiral’s gaze, AJ was dismayed to notice the complete loss of hope and fight in his eyes. It was as if the light had gone out…this was going to be difficult indeed.

Harm extended his hand, “It’s great to see you again, Sir. Give your daughter my best.”

AJ held on to the younger man’s hand a bit longer than necessary, hoping to communicate his support, “Stay in touch, son.”

Harm nodded and then fled back out to a terrace to regroup. The last two days had been exhausting. He ran his fingers through his hair. It had been only two days…not even 48 hours, since this nightmare began. He remembered with vivid clarity the General’s announcement of their new duty stations. They’d both been shocked. There’d been no warning, no suggestion. He knew this was part of military life. They’d been lucky to be stationed at headquarters for as long as they had. Maybe, if there had been more time, he and Mac could have made plans…discussed options. He shook his head, when had that ever worked? They could never get beyond the simple sentiment. The words were always just out of reach. He had told Mattie a year ago that they were working to close the divide; but that wasn’t true, they were now going to be farther away than ever, both literally and figuratively. Five thousand four hundred and eighty nine miles…ten and a half hours flying time. He doubted they’d ever see each other again, except for the occasional work related functions.

His mind drifted back to their conversation from yesterday. He’d stopped by her apartment, hoping to talk things out, but once again he’d lost his nerve when faced with saying the actual words. Instead he’d fallen back into comfortable conversation. “I need your advice.”

Mac had smiled back with hope in her eyes, “Good because I need yours.”

He’d hedged, “What are you doing about the lease on your apartment?”

He saw her deflate before his eyes, “That’s what you want to talk about? Real Estate?”

Despite her obvious disappointment, he couldn’t make himself say more, “Yes.”

She’d retreated into her emotional shell, “Have you talked to Mattie?”

He crossed his arms and nodded back, “First call I made.”

She smiled back, “She told you to go?”

He fidgeted with his coat, “Yes.”

“What’d you say,” came the soft halted response.

He returned with conviction, “I told her I wasn’t going anywhere without her. We’re still waiting for the Juvenile Court to rule on it; however, her Father’s not contesting it…so.”

She smiled back and answered with honest emotion, “You’re a good Dad.” The unspoken words following in her mind, ‘I always knew you would be. How come you’re so willing to leave me behind?’

They’d bantered on about work and cases and requested support staff, before she brought the conversation back around to them. “Were you ready for all this?” the emotion obvious in her eyes.

He crossed his arms in a protective mode, “Were you?”

She sighed, “Well, I’ve been dreading it for awhile, but now that it’s here…it doesn’t seem so bad.” She watched him look away. And deflated further, “I’m just taking it one day at a time.” Her old AA motto falling easily from her lips. One day at a time, she could survive almost anything, one day at a time. Her eyes lost their luster.

He nodded in resignation, thinking that somehow all this seemed to be affecting him more than her. Maybe she was glad to finally be moving on…to be rid of him and their entanglements. If he’d looked up, he would have noticed the lost expression on her face. Turning to leave before he broke down, he glanced into the trashcan in passing. Noticing a picture of Webb, he picked it up. “Throwing out your past?”

She took the photo and threw it back into the trash, “Yes, a new broom sweeps clean.” She wanted to add that she’d never throw out their past.

He wanted assurance that she’d always remember him…that he’d always have a place in her heart.

He shook his head to clear the memory. He needed to get back to mingling; this was his party after all. His future depended on these contacts. His future? He glanced up as he passed the back terrace and noticed Mac sitting at an outside table. The radiance of the moon and candles illuminated her face in a soft blush light. He thought she’d never looked more beautiful. He’d been right, red really was his favorite color on her. It made her look vibrant and alive, something he’d missed terribly in the last two years. She was alone and appeared deep in thought. He started to walk toward her and then thought better of it. This was not the place for further discussion. They’d said their peace. It was time to move on. A nagging doubt pushed into the edge of his consciousness that his future was sitting in a red dress at a table across the room, but he’d learned by repetitive conditioning to ignore those doubts. He pushed that thought aside and ambled into the room. It was time to do what Harmon Rabb did best; win over the masses with his confidence and charm.

***

Mac sat by herself at a table on the terraced patio. She was alone in more ways than one. Even when she’d been mingling in the room full of people, she’d never felt more separate and alone. The loneliness was stifling…so she’d escaped to the patio for air. She could survive this night…one day at a time, the voices in her mind kept chanting. Problem was, the voices forgot to tell her heart to follow suit.

She glanced back to the reception hall and noticed Bud and Harriet dancing to the slow soothing sounds of the orchestra. The corners of her mouth tipped up in a small sad smile as a glaze of tears ringed her lifeless brown eyes. That was all she really wanted…the good man and the family. Harm had once asked her what she wanted most out of life. She’d playfully replied, ‘What all women want…a great career…a good man…and comfortable shoes, lots and lots of them.’ Her mind had told her to grab for the elusive gold ring and go for all three, but her heart, in moments of pure honesty such as these, told her she only needed one to be blissfully happy. Sure three out of three would be pure heaven, but the career and the material things meant nothing without her good man. That knight in shining armor was what her heart desired above all, someone to be there with unwavering support and love at the end of the day.

She thought back to memories of a childhood spent huddled in a dark closet hiding from loud voices and screams of pain, her flashlight and picture books her only source of comfort and solace. They gave her an escape from her retched reality to a future world that could only occur in a frightened little girl’s dreams. In those rare glimpses of ecstasy, she saw her knight in shining armor galloping in on a great white horse rescuing her from her tormenting captors and keeping the evil monsters at bay. Problem was, no one warned her that her knight would appear wearing dress blues and a cover pulled low, riding in on a sleek gray Tomcat. He’d flown in under her radar, before she could close her heart away from the inevitable pain. If her childhood taught her nothing else, it was the heart-wrenching lesson that the people you love always disappoint and leave you behind. So once again, she would somehow mend her broken heart and take her great career and closet full of comfortable shoes to the West Coast. Only this time she’d be wary and smart, no one was ever going to slip in unawares again. Her heart wouldn’t survive another round. It was going to take five thousand four hundred and eighty nine miles to stitch together the battered hemorrhaging remains. Even if it healed, she was sure it would never function at full strength and capacity ever again.

She was roused from her thoughts by the feeling of dampness on her arm. She looked to the heavens in search of rain clouds, before realizing that the drops of moisture were in fact her own tears. She stubbornly wiped them away. She’d promised herself, no more tears. She was done crying over men. She knew she should return to the activities of the evening; in her new command position, she was going to need these contacts. But try as she might, she couldn’t make her legs stand and walk across the tiled patio.

Pursing her lips and exhaling loudly, she took in the floral arrangement on the table. It consisted of three yellow roses in a delicate crystal vase. She was beginning to detest those blooms. Yellow, the color of friendship and loyalty…it was like they were taunting her. Friendship…just friends…best friends…but still, just friends. Why not love? Why not her? It was all she ever wanted. But no, she was delegated to the position of ‘best friend.’ ‘You’re only this way with me’ rang in an unending echo through her mind. She didn’t want to be ‘that’ kind of special. She didn’t want loyalty and friendship. No, she wanted to be desired and loved. She hung her head in shame at that declaration. No that wasn’t true, otherwise she would have settled for Mic Brumby. No, if she were honest with herself, she wanted it all…love, passion, friendship, caring and loyalty. She’d been so close. Sometimes when she looked into his eyes, she could imagine that he felt more than friendship. She squinted tightly against the memory of a stolen look across a conference room. They’d been celebrating the announcement of her engagement to Mic. Yet somehow, despite a room full of people, their gaze had locked and the presence of everyone else in the room had fallen away. She’d been so spell bound by the intensity of emotion in his eyes that she’d forgotten how to breathe. If he had proclaimed his love in that instant, she would have sold her own soul just for the chance to run away with him. But alas, there were no proclamations of love and life continued on at a steady pace…they were just friends.

She lifted one of the blooms from the arrangement and twirled it slowly between her fingers. Had he ever loved her? If she just considered his actions, at times she could make herself believe. But why couldn’t he ever say the words, were the words that hard to say to her? Was she somehow unworthy of them? He didn’t understand that she needed the words to go with the actions, to make them all real. She could understand and believe them together. Actions had failed her in the past. Her father should have loved her. She was his own flesh and blood after all, but his actions had been cruel and painful. And her mother, her mother’s demonstration of love was to abandon her to that cruel fate. No, actions alone could be deceiving. The only person in her life that she knew truly loved her for who she was…for Sarah MacKenzie, alone…had been Uncle Matt. He displayed his love in both actions and words; they were real. So Harm’s inability to speak, to profess his love, had left her tentative and unsure. She was afraid to trust the actions…and the words would never come.

She fingered the delicate flower and pulled off petals in time with the old childhood chant, ‘he loves me…he loves me not…he loves me…he loves me not.’ Sadly, the results would be about as accurate as her never-ending ruminations. She continued on around the bud, until the last petal fell off, ‘he loves me not.’ Tears flowed once again. Damn it, best two out of three…she reached for another rose. ‘He loves me…he loves me not…he loves me…he loves me not.’

She was startled from her rhyme by the voice of Jennifer Coates. “Colonel, I was wondering if I could….” The petty officer stopped in mid-sentence at the sight of tears flowing down the marine colonel’s cheeks. “I’m sorry, Ma’am. I didn’t mean to interrupt,” was murmured as she turned to leave.

Mac quickly dried her tears and answered back in whispered response, “No…it’s OK, Jen. Please stay…I’m just having…difficulty saying goodbye.” She motioned toward the adjoining chair for Jen to sit down.

Jen tentatively advanced forward, “Really, ma’am…if this is a bad time.”

Mac threw her an indulgent glare, “Jen sit down, before I make it an order.”

“I really didn’t mean to intrude, Colonel.” She lowered herself into the chair, wondering whether this was the best time to put forth her request. She noticed the pile of discarded rose petals and looked up quizzically, “Who won, ma’am?”

Mac cleared her voice, “What?”

Jen smiled, “Who won?” She pointed toward the dismembered flower, “It looks like you and the roses got into a fight…I was wondering who won?”

Mac considered the question for a moment, before answering back. “The rose won the first round, but I’m not giving up yet.” She whisked the petals onto the ground, but held tightly to the partially wounded second bud. She couldn’t give up and admit defeat. Wasn’t that the crux of their relationship…they couldn’t move forward, but they couldn’t quit, either. “Now, what can I do for you?”

Jen fidgeted a bit, “I was wondering if you had a yeoman selected for San Diego?”

Mac smiled, “Do you know someone who’s interested?”

Jen smiled back, “Yes, Ma’am…me. I would consider it an honor to serve under you, Colonel.”

Mac cocked her head to the side, “I would have thought you would have wanted to go with Harm?”

“No, Ma’am. I mean I appreciate all the Captain has done for me, but he’s going to be busy with Mattie and his new command. I don’t really want to be in a strange country by myself. Besides, San Diego has the sun, beaches, the ocean.”

Mac smirked, “I see…so this had less to do with working for me and more to do with….”

Jen blushed, “No, Ma’am. I mean I really want to work with you…the other things are just an added bonus.”

Mac laughed at the flustered response, “Sure, Jen. I’d be glad to have you.”

Jen looked around the room, “I was hoping Vic…Lt. Vukovic would make it back in time for the party. I bet he looks good in mess dress.” Mac threw her a disgusted glare. “I was wondering, Colonel? Are you taking Lt. Vukovic to San Diego with you?”

“He asked…I said NO,” Mac answered sternly.

Jen looked puzzled, “That surprises me, Colonel. You’ve never run from a challenge. Maybe, you can make him a better lawyer.”

Mac shook her head in disgust, “That kind of challenge I don’t need…” she eyed the petty officer, “…and neither do you.”

Jen bubbled on oblivious to the warning, “I just think he needs someone to give him the benefit of the doubt….”

Mac rolled her eyes at the absurdity of the situation. This was deja ‡ vu all over again, hadn’t she been through this same conversation back in a ladies room in San Diego. The admirer was a blond then, but equally smitten with the unethical slimy weasel. Of course Tali Mayfield had his number, Mac suspected there was a story there. Then she’d slyly offered her assessment of her perfect guy…someone who used to wear leather but now wore a suit and tie. She didn’t expect Tali to catch on to the fact that the leather was a flight jacket, but she’d called Mac on the description, adding the words ‘with commander’s stripes on the sleeves.’ She twirled the rose once again. Well actually, they were captain’s stripes now, but he still looked just as good. ‘He loves me…he loves me not…he loves me…he loves me not.’

“Ma’am…Ma’am…Colonel…MAC!”

Mac jumped at the sound of her name, “I’m sorry, Jen. I guess I’m not particularly good company this evening.”

Jen started to rise from the chair, but hesitated to wait for Mac’s permission. Mac nodded back. “I’m looking forward to serving with you in San Diego, Colonel.”

Mac smiled back, “Me too, Jen.” Jen turned to leave. “Oh, and Jen…stay away from Vukovic, he’s trouble. Trust me on this one, I know from experience.” Jen nodded back and returned to the reception hall.

Mac looked back to the flower in her hand and pulled off the remaining petals. ‘He loves me…he loves me not…he loves me…he loves me not.’ She sighed and swore out loud, “Damn…third times a charm.” She reached for the final rose as her mind wondered back to the events earlier in the day. She’d stopped by Harm’s apartment. After his visit the previous day, they’d resolved absolutely nothing. She knew this was their last chance, and she remembered a conversation from months ago on a sandy beach at Manderlay. ‘Let me know when you’re ready.’ So it was up to her again to lay it all on the line. She wasn’t sure she could do it again. The memories from a ferry in Sydney still stung, but she screwed up her courage and plunged ahead.

She closed her eyes and pictured herself standing in his doorway. He was busy packing the last boxes. He was so far ahead of her; of course, her heart wasn’t really in this move. He looked good, but then he always did…well, except for that flowered shirt. Who talked him into that number anyway? Why couldn’t he be wearing that black shirt from yesterday? She so rarely saw him in civvies that she relished the chance to take her fill. She tattooed another permanent image onto her brain. These might have to last a lifetime, after all.

He looked up surprised to find her standing there, “Hey.”

She smiled back, “Hey yourself.” She walked past him into the apartment and looked around, “There’s something so final about a packed suitcase.”

He carried a box across the room, “Not to mention an entirely packed apartment. How about you…you all packed?”

She shrugged, “Mostly…all except for the red dress I’m wearing to the party tonight.”

He looked up as if to ponder, “My favorite color.”

She grinned, “I didn’t know you had one.”

He shook his head, “It’s my favorite color on you.”

She looked puzzled, “I didn’t know you kept track. I’m impressed you even noticed what I wear.” He shrugged in response. She sighed and moved further into the room. “Let’s talk about you and me.”

He turned away, “Neither one of us…”

“Wants to be the one to say goodbye. Yeah I know the song, we’ve been singing it for years.”

He turned back to look at her, “Mac, I don’t think that I will ever feel about anyone else, the way that I feel about you.”

She stumbled a bit, “That’s very flattering. One piece of advice…don’t share that with your future wife, whoever she might be. She might not understand.”

He pinned her with a glare, “Do you understand?”

She pressed forward, “Why we can’t make it work? Why we’ve let fate decide our future? No I don’t.”

“Mind if I ask you a personal question?”

She backed into a chair wary of the inquiry, “Why waste a drive across town? Take your best shot.”

“With some of the men in your life,” he rolled his eyes in disgust, “…who shall remain nameless…what attracted you to them?”

She shrugged, “They wanted me and let me know it.”

He approached her, “I wanted you…surely you knew that.”

She sighed, “Harm, no woman wants to be a mind reader. She wants to be desired…love…without qualification. She needs to be told without reservations. With you there were always complications…another woman…work…searching for your father.”

He responded back with a soft voice, “That’s all past.”

She met his eyes, “Is it? If so…what about….” She left the question open, hoping for a response. He shrugged and moved away. She sighed in frustration at his inability to commit, why did she always have to be the one to say the words. “Maybe love is like standing on the 10 meter board. You close your eyes and jump and hope you hit the water clean.”

“Well, that would cut down on the thinking part,” came his sarcastic response.

She responded with an exasperated sigh, “And the fears and second guessing and all the other impediments.” She glanced back, pleading with her eyes, “But we can never quite get there…can we?”

He pondered the question and gave one last try, “We have 12 hours. I realize that’s not a lot of time.”

Beginning to understand the futility of the discussion, she countered, “Twelve hours…Harm, we’ve had nine years. We even had a five year plan…”

He smirked, “That’s past due….”

She shook her head and whispered, “That was allowed to expire.” She sighed in resignation, “So maybe fate has taken a hand.”

He chuckled in disbelieve, “I don’t believe in fate, Mac. Commissions can be resigned…assignments can be modified.”

She turned back to him, “Are you saying you’re ready to resign your commission, again?”

He stood tall, “I didn’t say that.”

She frowned, “You expect me to resign mine?” She didn’t really care who gave up their commission. They could flip a coin for all she cared, but they had to be willing to pursue this together. All out…no holds barred…in for life. She couldn’t give it all up, if he wasn’t serious. What if he couldn’t commit. Where would she be then? She still had no idea if he even loved her. Wanted her? Probably, or so it would seem, but loved her…a lifetime commitment, of that she still wasn’t sure. She looked into his eyes; she needed to see the truth. “You still haven’t answered…do you expect me to…?”

He shrugged and gave a noncommittal reply of, “No, not really,” that really meant ‘Yes.’

They were talking in circles again. She pasted on a sad smile, “So, we’re right back where we started from.” He gave no response. She tried to hold the tears at bay, “I never thought it would end this way.”

He still hadn’t said a word. She shook her head, “Or this soon.”

He smirked and turned away so he didn’t have to look in her eyes, “Nine years is soon?” The dismissive arrogance was back in his voice. She knew it was a protective mechanism to hold his emotions close to the cuff.

Her voice cracked, “The blink of an eye.” She walked toward the door with Harm following behind. She didn’t know whether to stay or leave. Were they through? Was this her dismissal? He stood silently, studying his shoes. Her eyes became suspiciously shiny, “We’ll always be friends?”

He whispered back, “Best friends.”

She reached for his hand and nervously played with his Academy ring. “And tell each other everything?” She silently added, except for how we really feel about each other.

He squeezed her hand back, “Maybe not quite everything.” He looked up to give her a sad smile, his eyes now shining brightly.

The tears now slid down her cheeks undeterred. Her voice was barely audible, “The thing that bothers me is that we’re never going to know how things might have worked out. How good it could have been.”

He reached up in a familiar gesture to dry her tears. She closed her eyes relishing in the warmth of the touch and pulled him into a tight embrace. They both sighed at the contact and held on for several moments, afraid to break this final connection. Finally she pulled back and placed a kiss on his cheek, “I’ll see you tonight?”

He nodded in affirmation but didn’t speak, closing the door behind her. If they’d been able to see through the thick structure…to just look into each other’s eyes. They would have seen identical expressions of complete and total loss and desolation.

***End of Flashback***

Mac opened her eyes and wiped away the tears once again. She’d promised herself to stop crying. She looked at the rose in her fingers. This was her last chance at luck. She removed several more petals, while chanting the rhyme.

She was interrupted by Jen Coates once again, “Colonel, the JAG crew is all heading over to McMurphy’s for an little informal celebration. I was hoping you would join us?”

Mac wrinkled her nose, “I don’t know…I’m kind of celebrated out.”

Jen looked on with a pleading hopeful pout. Maybe taking her to San Diego wasn’t such a good idea. She had this uncanny knack for getting her COs to do her biding, rather than the other way around. Mac sighed in resignation at the inevitable, pulling off the last three petals, ‘he loves me…he loves me not…HE LOVES ME!’ She smiled at her small but well fought victory. She tilted her face back to Jen, “I’m right behind you…don’t start without me.” Jen smiled and ducked back inside.

Mac started to drop that final petal from her fingers, but stopped in thought. She retrieved her purse from the ground and withdrew a cherished heirloom, her grandmother’s handkerchief. Her grandmother…there was someone else who’d loved her. She placed the delicate rose petal into the heirloom for safe keeping…one of her loves protecting another. She would add the treasure to her hope chest. She smiled at the fond remembrance. As a small girl, she’d told her grandmother that she wanted a hope chest to keep her cherished mementos safe. Her grandmother had found an old wooden cigar box. They’d spent the better part of a week painting and decorating the old relic, until it glistened with hope for the future. Inside, she’d placed those things she’d held dear. A locket from her Uncle Matt. A hair ribbon from a special occasion, it was the only time her father had ever told her she looked pretty. An old piece of cheap costume jewelry…it was all that her mother had left her. The last bottle cap from the last beer that she’d drunk just before she and Eddie got into the car on that fateful night. A small fossil from her time at Red Rock Mesa with Uncle Matt. Her AA sobriety marker. Her first marine corp. insignia. Harm’s pen from the trial when they’d defended Uncle Matt…he’d always wondered what had happened to the writing implement…she’d pleaded ignorance, wanting to keep a memento from their very first case. Somehow she’d known even then, that their partnership…friendship…whatever they called this thing between them, would go beyond any relationship she’d ever have. She placed the two delicate treasures into her purse for temporary safe keeping.

She stood tall and wiped her eyes. She was going to a party. Maybe if she were lucky, she’d have one more chance to make this right. He loved her…the rose petal said so. How could the flower betray her…they’d met in the Rose Garden after all.

***

23:00

29 April 2005

McMurphy’s Tavern

Washington, D.C.

Harm waltzed into the tavern and took a seat at the bar. He looked around at the eclectic interior as memories began to surface. The JAG gang had some good times here. A memory of the ‘Three Musketeers’ singing made him grin. In fact, more than one songfest had broken out at this location. The last time they’d been here was for another farewell celebration. Bugme, Harm shook his head in disgust.

The bartender approached him with a flirtatious smile. “I don’t know what your scene is, but that’s one trick outfit. You ever think about wearing a kilt?”

Harm smirked back, “Not lately.”

She leaned in closer peering over the side, “I bet you’ve got the legs for it.” Standing back up behind the bar, “I’m Joanna…what can I get for you?”

Harm shrugged, “Whatever’s on tap.”

She waggled her brows at him, “You can have whatever you want.” She placed a drink in front of him and wandered down to the other end of the bar. Harm’s eyes followed her with an appreciative gaze.

Mac sidled up beside him, shaking her head at the display. Some things would never change. Harm could turn the head of any female within a 5-mile radius. And with a sad defeated acceptance, she wondered why he could never look at her that way. Just once, couldn’t he let down his guarded military facade and look at her like…she let the thought die out unfinished. ‘He loves me…he loves me not…he loves me…he loves me not,’ ran in an unending chant through her mind, like an old-fashioned phonograph player stuck in a scratched track. She leaned in close, “Didn’t expect to see you here.”

He smiled back with pleasant surprise, “I could say the same for you. Bud and Harriet wanted to meet in a less formal setting after the reception. They didn’t say you were coming…not that I didn’t want…I mean.” He sighed in frustration, why couldn’t he say the right thing tonight.

Her eyes fell as tears threatened once again. Maybe this hadn’t been such a great idea; she should be home packing. At least that would be more productive and safer for her fragile psyche. The chant continued on, ‘he loves you…he loves you not…he loves you…he loves you not.’

He tucked in his lips. “It’s good to see you, Mac. I didn’t get a chance to talk to you at the party.” He gave her a flyboy smile and nudged her with his shoulder, “I’m glad you’re here.” His mind kept repeating, you can do this…you can do this. Just have a drink, stay a few minutes and get out before you breakdown.

She looked around the bar, “This is the last place I got drunk.”

He looked back alarmed, “You’re not thinking?”

She shook her head with a grunt, “Of course not. Are you crazy?” Couldn’t he forget just this once that she wasn’t perfect? Did he always need to remember her flaws?

He reached over and grabbed her hand, “I’m sorry, Mac.” He winked at her with sincerity.

The bartender came back over and gave Mac the once over. “What can I do you for?”

“Soda with a twist,” came the familiar reply.

Joanna set the drink in front of Mac and motioned toward Harm. “It figures that a guy like him would be with a girl like you.”

Mac wilted just a little more. “We’re not really…with…it’s just for the moment,” she stammered ahead. Harm gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

Joanna leaned forward conspiratorially, “So what’s with that outfit?”

Mac smiled, “Every now and then he likes to get wild and crazy.” Couldn’t this woman just leave them alone?

Joanna waggled her brows, “Lucky you.”

Mac looked away and whispered, “Yeah, lucky me.” She turned back to look at Harm. The silence was overwhelming. She lifted her glass in toast. “To having nothing left to say.”

He ducked away from her eyes and murmured, “Right.”

Mac straightened in her seat, “Although, I’ve got one final request…”

They were interrupted by a familiar voice. “Captain, Colonel.”

They both sighed in relief and responded simultaneously, “Bud…Harriet.” Harm grinned at Mac, “Go ahead.” She shook her head in response. Everything was so awkward.

Harriet hugged Mac, “Were you at the reception? I didn’t see you.”

“Yeah, I just spent most of the time out on the terrace. It was all a little,” she shrugged, “…overwhelming.”

Harriet gave her a second hug and whispered in her ear, “I know what you mean.” Stepping back, she grabbed Mac’s hand and pulled her to her feet, “Your dress is fabulous. Doesn’t she look terrific, Harm?”

Mac cringed at the question. Leave it to Harriet to take them to the place they’d been successfully trying to ignore.

Harm gave her a genuine smile and responded with honest appreciation, “Yeah she does. That dress really is amazing, Mac. I was right; red really is your color.” He took that opportunity to commit the image to memory, that picture would have to last him a lifetime.

Bud, oblivious as always, chimed in, “Remember sitting at this bar and singing ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’? They others nodded in agreement.

Harriet threw in, “And remember Brumby’s going away party?” She looked toward Mac, “Sorry.”

Mac winked back, “That’s okay. It was a sweet night. I still can’t listen to ‘Waltzing Matilda’ without crying.

Harriet put her arm around her friend, “We’ve had a lot of good times here. I wish it never had to end.” Her voice dropped off at the end as tears appeared in her eyes.

Mac hugged her back, but looked toward Harm as she spoke, “I know; I wish it didn’t have to end either.”

Bud and Harriet left the bar to visit with the other JAG staff. Harm glanced back toward Mac, “I guess I should be getting home; I’ve got an early flight.”

She placed her hand on his arm, “What time?”

He shrugged apologetically, “Zero eight hundred.”

He began to stand up when she pulled him back down, “About that last request?”

He chewed on his bottom lip considering his options. Deciding he couldn’t stand to disappoint her, he conceded, “Sure, what can I do?”

She slid her hand down his forearm and tugged on his hand. “Come dance with me?”

He felt a moment of panic. If he held her in his arms, he didn’t know if he could walk away. Seeing the pleading in her eyes, he nodded his assent and led her to the dance floor. Maybe if they didn’t get too close. That’s it…just keep your distance…it’s only for one song.

They took each other’s hand and stood at a proper military distance as the song began to play. However with each rotation around the dance floor she moved further into his arms, as he pulled her closer to his chest. By the end of the third song, her face was nuzzled into his neck and his face rested on the top of her head. His thumb moved back and forth in a gentle caress across her back, and their joined hands rested between their hearts. The fourth song melted into a fifth and a sixth. He couldn’t make himself pull away. He rubbed his cheek over her hair breathing in deeply trying to memorize the scent of her shampoo. She inhaled the skin of his jaw line beneath his ear not wanting to forget the spicy fragrance of his cologne. And they each imprinted the memory into the recesses of their mind, hoping to never forget.

The clock struck midnight and the seventh song began to play. It was the Sarah McLachlan’s tune, ‘I Will Remember You.’ Harm grimaced at the irony. It was time to let go. He pulled back from their embrace and immediately saw the tears in her eyes. He reached up to wipe the drops and then leaned in to place a kiss over each lid. Tilting his lips to her ear, he whispered, “I love you, Mac. Have a great life.” After placing a heartbreakingly gentle kiss on her lips, he turned and walked away.

She stood unwavering and rigid, to stunned to move. Her eyes remained tightly closed. She just knew if she opened them…it would all be a dream. He had finally told her he loved her. The petals were right, was her first giddy response. She pinched her arm just to ensure reality and then slowly opened her eyes. He was gone. She turned quickly around the room and caught sight of his retreating form existing the tavern. Her eyes wide, she hurried after him. As she exited the door, she saw him walking away. She quickly called out, “Harm!” His step faltered for a moment before he continued on. She yelled again with increasing urgency, “Harm…Harm, I love you, too!” He stood in place for several heartbeats giving her hope. But then continued on without so much as a backwards glance. Her heart broke. How was this possible? He’d said the words, but he still walked away.

She stood outside the bar bathed in the moonlight, tears falling with increasing rapidity. She startled and almost fought back, when a pair of large strong arms enfolded her into a warm embrace. She looked up into Sturgis’s empathetic eyes and fell apart. He rocked her gently for several minutes before her breathing finally calmed down and the tears slowed to gentle trails.

She pulled back to look in his face, “Thanks, Sturgis.” She bit her top lip to halt the flow of tears.

He nodded back in sympathy. “I’m so sorry, Mac. I can’t believe that he just walked away after you finally told him how you felt.” He and Harm had been slowly making their way back toward friendship, but he wasn’t sure he could forgive Harm this transgression.

She shook her head trying to form the words, “No…no, you don’t understand. He said it first, but then he wished me a good life and just walked away. How could he just leave like that?”

He pulled her back into his arms and whispered, “I don’t know, Mac. I just don’t know.”

The words from the sad song played in a repeat in the background.

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep

Standin' on the edge of something much too deep

It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word

We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

But I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose

Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose

Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night

You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories