Part 17
10:30
Saturday
12 September 2009
The Rabb Home
La Jolla, California
Harm breezed into the master bedroom bellowing, “Mac…Mac, you in here? Ben and I are gonna run to the store. We’re out of milk and peanut butter. Do you need any...” he stopped cold in the bathroom door, when he saw Mac sitting on the edge of the tub with a tear-stained face. “Sweetheart, what’s wrong? Did something happen?”
Her lip quivered, “Could you pick up some more of these…I’m out.” She turned the empty tampon box upside down to demonstrate her quandary, just before the dam broke and the tears began to fall in earnest.
He walked into the room and knelt before her, taking her into his arms. “Oh sweetheart, I’m sorry. I know we hoped it would work this time.”
She held on tight to his arms and buried her face in his shirt, “I just thought…I mean…I can’t do this anymore, Harm. I just can’t go through the disappointment anymore.”
He slumped to the floor and pulled her into his lap, holding her for long minutes as she cried, and sobbed and shook. When the tears finally started to lessen, he pulled back, “Sweetheart, I know this is hard, but we can still….”
“No, no more…I can’t….”
He cradled her face in his hands and wiped away the tears with his thumbs, as they broke free from her lashes. Leaning forward to kiss her cheek, he felt the shaking sobs rack her body again. At that moment, he heard the shuffling of tiny feet behind him, and pulled Mac back to his side, so Ben wouldn’t be frightened.
Ben stopped a few feet away and stared at the scene before him. Wrinkling his brow, he pondered his parents sitting on the bathroom floor, “Daddee, why you sitdin on da fwoor?” He took two steps closer and peered over Harm’s shoulder, “What da madder wif Mama?”
Harm cleared his throat as Mac hid her tear-stained face from the toddler, “Uhm Ben…Mama’s got an owie…she got hurt and Daddy’s trying to make it better.”
Ben frowned and nodded, “I kiss it aw bedder?”
Harm smiled and took Ben’s little hand, “Hey little man, you always make it all better, just by loving Mommy.”
Ben crept to his Daddy’s side and placed his hand on Mac’s head, stroking her hair, “I sorrwy Mama…can I kiss it aw bedder?”
Mac rubbed her face against Harm’s shirt to dry the still flowing tears, and then looked up to Ben, “Mama would like that, sweetie.” She lifted her arms and Ben flew into her embrace. She held on and rocked him slowly, her tears falling onto his soft hair.
The trio sat on the bathroom floor, the house quiet except for occasional sniffles and shuddering breaths. Harm finally tapped Ben’s shoulder, “Hey Ben, why don’t I see if Gummy and Papa want to spend the day with you?’
Ben shook his head, “But Daddee…Mama neez me.”
Mac took a deep breath and pasted on a smile, “I’m OK, baby…Mama just needs to take a nap and get some rest. Why don’t you go play with Papa today, while Mama rests.”
Harm pushed his two loves to their feet and stood up from the floor, “Ben, why don’t you go pick out some toys, and Daddy will be there in a minute to help pack your bag?”
Ben pointed to Mac, “But, Daddee….”
Harm kneeled down to his level, “Mama, needs to take a shower real quick. You know how Mama loves to take showers and baths. Maybe you can go pick out a ship from your bath tub for Mama to use.”
Ben’s eyes lightened and he nodded in agreement, “I be wight back.” He raced from the room in pursuit of his goal.
Harm pulled Mac back into his arms and laid his head atop hers, “I need to go call Mom. I’ll be back in a minute with a cup of tea. In the meantime, why don’t you jump in that shower. I’ll try to head Ben off at the pass.”
She nodded and began removing her clothes. He watched her a moment more until she disappeared into the hot steam, and then turned to retrieve the phone.
“Burnett residence.”
“Mom, I was wondering, if you could take Ben for the day.”
“I don’t know, darling. I was just leaving for the Gallery and Frank’s getting ready to head out to the Club to play golf.”
“I know it’s last minute, Mom…but Mac’s not feeling well, and I need to concentrate on her.”
The worry crept into her voice, “Harm, what’s wrong with Mac?”
He sighed, “It’s not physical so much as…sadness, disappointment. I just need to spend the day with her, and Ben doesn’t need to be around everything that’s going on.”
“Alright darling, let me catch Frank. I’m sure between the two of us…we can entertain Ben for the day. In fact, why don’t you pack a bag and we’ll keep him until tomorrow.”
“Thanks Mom…listen, I gotta go…Ben just ran through here with a boat in his arms.”
“Alright dear, we’ll be there soon.”
“Mom, wait…..” Harm pulled the phone away from his mouth, “Ben, come here a minute, sweetie.”
Ben stopped at the bathroom door, “But Daddee, I neez to gibe dis to Mama.”
“I know buddy, but Mama’s getting undressed…come here a minute and I’ll take you in to see her.” Ben pouted, but came toward his Dad. Harm brought the phone back to his mouth, “Mom, could you stop by the store on your way here?”
“What for dear?”
“Ah, Mac needs some…supplies.”
“Supplies? What kind of supplies?”
He glanced toward Ben and scrubbed a hand through his hair, “Umh, female supplies?”
Trish voice dropped in concern, “Oh Harm, I’m so sorry…I’ll be there as soon as I can. What does she need?”
“Ah….”
She chuckled, “Pads or tampons?”
“Ah, the second…and umm, blue box.”
Trish sighed, but a smile was reflected in her voice, “You men…I’m sure I can figure it out. We’ll be there in a few minutes. I love you, darling.”
“Thanks Mom, love you, too.”
He hung up the phone and lifted Ben into his arms, “Hey buddy, what did you do…pick out your biggest ship for Mama?”
Ben grinned with pride, “Yez, it’s da bestest. Can I take it to Mama now?”
Harm patted his bottom, “Sure, but can you help me make her a cup of tea first? Tea makes her feel better, too.”
Ben sighed as his shoulders slumped, “Otay, if I habe to, but den can I gibe her da ship?”
“Sure thing, Ben. Why don’t we leave the ship by the door until we come back?”
The father-son pair returned five minutes later with a cup of mint tea and knocked on the door, “Mac, can we come in for a minute?”
“Sure,” came the muffled response over the sound of pounding water.
Ben carried his toy to the shower stall and banged on the door, “Mama, I got somepin for you.”
Mac wiped her face and cracked open the shower door, “What’cha you got, sweetie? Is that boat for me?”
Ben held the toy high in his arms, “It’s a ship, Mama…not a boat.”
She reached down to take the monstrosity, “Thanks punkin.”
Ben stared, “Mama are you cwyin?”
She wiped a hand over her eyes, “No, must be the shower water. Now, why don’t you go pack a bag with Daddy?” When his face fell, she leaned down and kissed his cheek, “I love you, punkin.”
“Wuv you, Mama.”
Twenty minutes later, Mac was clean, dried and dressed in a pair of comfortable cotton knit pajamas. She climbed into bed with a heating pad and a large bottle of Motrin. Arranging the pillows for comfort, she’d just settled down to sleep, when there was knock at the bedroom door.
Trish poked her head inside the door with a smile, “How are you feeling, Sarah?”
Mac shrugged, “Hanging in there…I’m not sure which hurts worse, the cramps from my period or the,” her voice cracked, “…the pain in my heart.”
Trish walked over and sat beside her on the bed. Running the back her fingers over Mac’s cheek, “I know, darling. The disappointment can be hard to bare.”
Tears threatened to fall again, “But you don’t understand…I wanted to have a child…to give Harm a child.”
Trish reached for the tissues on the nightstand, “Oh but Sarah, dear…I understand more than you know.” She stroked her fingers through the younger woman’s hair, and Mac closed her eyes at the comforting gesture, “Sarah, let me tell you something Harm doesn’t even know. We…I never planned for him to be an only child. Of course back in my day, we didn’t have the sophisticated fertility treatments that you have now. After Harm was born, I became pregnant a year later, but I lost the baby early on. It was a tubal pregnancy, and they had to perform surgery to remove the fetus and the fallopian tube. That diminished, but didn’t end my chance for a successful pregnancy. Still, no matter how hard we tried, I never got pregnant again. We blamed it on Harm Sr.’s deployments and limited time home. Once I married Frank, we tried again…we even went in for evaluations and treatments, such as they offered back then…still, no pregnancy. We finally gave up and accepted that Harm was all we were meant to have. Frank, bless his wonderful loving heart, accepted Harm as his son, long before my son accepted Frank as his father.”
Tears began to trickle down Mac’s temples toward her pillow, “So, you’re saying it’s possible to just accept never having a child, her voice cracked as the tears increased, “…that you can just move on and forget?”
Trish dabbed at the tears, “Never forget, dear…you never forget. But if you don’t begin to accept, you run the risk of missing out on all that you already have.” She smiled, “Don’t let Ben get lost in the quest to achieve what might never happen. You have a beautiful son, anything else is icing on the cake.”
Mac closed her eyes, “I understand Trish…I just need a little time to mourn the loss of my dream.”
Trish leaned over to place a kiss on her cheek, “Of course, dear…I wouldn’t suggest you do anything else. Now, you get some rest and let that handsome son of mine take care of you. We’ll keep Ben for the night. Trust me, Papa will keep him so busy, he won’t have time to fret over you. Maybe by tomorrow, you’ll start to feel better.”
“Thanks Trish.”
She stood and leaned over to give her a hug, “We love you, Sarah…all of us.”
***
Two hours later, Mac awoke to the clinking of dishes. Harm placed a tray on the dresser and walked over to sit on the bed, “How are you feeling, sweetheart?”
She grimaced, “Uncomfortable, but at least I got some sleep.”
He snaked his hand under the blanket to feel the heating pad, “The automatic shutoff must have kicked in…this thing’s ice cold. You want me to turn it back on?”
“Yeah, that’d be great. Did Ben get off with your folks OK?”
He shrugged, “A few tears, but they called a little bit ago…they were taking him to Evie’s for lunch and he was bouncing off the wall with excitement.”
She smiled, “He sure loves her…given the choice, sometimes I think he’d pick her over me.”
“Never, Mama’s always first choice…well, except for Molly and his plane,” he grinned, “…I think they win out over everyone else.” He held up the heating pad, “Where do you want this…stomach or back?”
“Back this time, I think,” she tried to lean forward but grimaced in pain.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa tiger…you lay still and let me do the work.” He gently leaned her forward onto his chest, then fluffed the pillows and set the warm pad on top. When he tried to lay her back, she held on tight in protest, “What’s the matter, Mac? Am I hurting you?”
She snuggled a little closer into his arms, “No, I just want to be here for a few minutes.”
He gently wrapped his arms around her and placed his cheek against her hair, “Take as long as you need…I could hold you like this all day.” He kissed the top of her head, “However, I will warn you that your soup is getting cold.”
She shook her head against his chest, “Not hungry, except for you.”
He grinned, “I’m glad to hear that I’m such a culinary delight, but you need to eat something before your pain meds make you sick.”
She sighed, “Fine, but you’ll stay here?”
He leaned her back against the pillows, “Brought a sandwich for me, can’t eat lunch without my best girl.” He reached for the tray and set it between them, “I brought you homemade chicken noodle soup…easy on the stomach, with just enough carrots and celery to satisfy me. You OK to feed yourself?”
She picked up the mug and tasted a tentative spoonful, “Mmmm, just the way I like it…no one makes it like you.” She eyed him with suspicion, “Are you sure Evie didn’t give you her recipe…this tastes suspiciously like hers?”
He chuckled, “Busted, I called the restaurant this morning and begged her. She only let me have it because the soup was for you. I had to promise to share the recipe with you, and only you. I still couldn’t get her to budge on the roasted vegetable salad one, though.”
Mac sipped another large spoonful of soup, “I told you…she said she’d bequest it to us in her will. And I don’t know about you, but I’m not ready for her to go away just yet…certainly not for a recipe.”
He reached for some buttered French bread, “I agree wholeheartedly, I don’t want to even think about Evie not being around. Do you want some of this bread, Mom brought it when she came?”
She wrinkled her nose, “No, I think I’ll just stick with the soup.”
They ate in comfortable silence, before he lifted the tray of dirty dishes from the bed, “Be right back, I’m just going to drop these in the kitchen. I thought I could lay with you for awhile…unless, you don’t want me….”
She tipped her head and smiled, “Hurry back Sailor, this bed is way too big for just me.”
He returned a few minutes later, “I brought you some tea…Vanilla Chai, I think? Don’t know if it tastes any good, but it smells like heaven…spicy with just a hint of vanilla.” He handed her the mug and climbed in beside her.
She sipped the tea, “Mmm, this is good…want to try a sip?”
He sampled the tea and nodded his head in approval. Wiggling to the center of the mattress, he asked, “You want me to hold you or are you better the way you are?”
She grinned, “Do you have to ask? I’m always more comfortable in your arms, just go easy.”
He gently shifted the pillows onto his chest, careful not to disengage the heating pad. Wrapping his arms around her waist, he delicately rubbed his thumb back and forth across her lower abdomen, “How’s this…comfortable?”
She laid her head back against him and closed her eyes, “Very, can we stay like this forever?” Her voice took on a dreamy quality.
He tipped his face against hers, “Mac, about what you said earlier…do you really want to stop trying?” When she tried to pull away, he calmed, “Sssh, easy does it…no heavy discussions. I just want to understand how you feel?”
She relaxed again, “Harm, it’s not that I don’t want to try for a baby of our own. It’s just that I can’t take all the procedures and disappointment anymore. I mean, first there were the oral meds,” she sighed, “…my body just laughed at those. Then there were the injections…and in the last year, we’ve done six cycles of in vitro. I’ve been poked and prodded, scanned and stuck, retrieved and implanted. My body feels like a pincushion and don’t even get me started on the side effects from the meds.”
He continued to stroke her stomach, “I know all of that has been really rough on you. And I know my part in all of this is nothing compared to yours…but I just….”
“Sweetheart, the procedures I can take. Yes they hurt and they’re time consuming. But,” her eyes became glossy with tears once again, “…the hardest part is the feeling of disappointment, and sadness, and overwhelming failure. That’s the part I can’t take anymore.”
“What if we wait six months and try again? That will get us past the hustle and bustle of the holidays.”
“She shook her head, “Harm, I’m sorry, but I just can’t. I think we need to concentrate on Ben…and maybe in six months, we can look into adoption or foster care. But I just can’t…” her tears tracked down her cheeks in torrents.
He held her tighter, trying to control his own emotions, “It’s OK, baby…sssh, don’t worry about it. Whatever we need to do, we’ll figure it out later…no more procedures.” When he thought she’d drifted off to sleep, he whispered in a tearful voice, “But I just wanted a little girl that looked like you…she’s all I’ve ever dreamed of.” He closed his own eyes, falling into a deep slumber.
She lay against him, shining eyes open wide. Sleep didn’t come for her.
***
13:30
Wednesday
23 September 2009
The Noah’s Ark Child Advocacy Firm
San Diego, California
Mac looked up from the legal brief she was preparing. There was a crying sound in the distance. She shrugged returning to work; Harm or Howie must be interviewing a new client. Settling back to her computer, she was distracted once again as the crying grew louder. Tilting her head to one side, she noted that the cries seemed more likely to be from someone quite young…an infant, even a newborn. She slumped forward in her chair, resting her head in her hands. Breathing deeply in and out, she tried to suppress the tears that stung at the backs of her eyes.
A rap at her door caught her attention and she quickly swiped a hand over each eye. This was ridiculous, she couldn’t break down in tears every time she saw an infant, or inhaled the delicate scent of baby powder, or heard the soft cooing of a newborn voice. No, she needed to pull herself together. She’d promised Harm that she wouldn’t dwell on the disappointment anymore. It was time to move on; Ben was all that mattered now.
There was a second knock and then a tentative opening of the door. Harm stuck his head around the corner and opened his mouth to speak, only to be drowned out by the aforementioned high-pitched screams.
She grimaced at the volume and pitch of the staccato squeals. Harm threw her a sheepish look, “Mac, can I…ah, we come in for a minute?”
“Sure,” she squinted her eyes at the noise, “…but could you close the door. Howie’s client must have an impressive set of pipes. You can hear the cries all the way down the hall.”
Harm’s expression grew more nervous, “Well Mac, that voice actually belongs to my client…ah, our client…ah, our ah….” He opened the door further, “Can we come in? I’d like you to meet someone.”
She stood and motioned for them to enter. Harm extended an arm, allowing his guests to precede him into the room. Mac smiled when she saw the other adult in Harm’s company. Extending a hand to the woman, she smiled, “Josephine, it great to see you again.” She raised her voice above the ruckus, “I see you have a new client…and a loud one at that.”
The CPS worker shifted the infant carrier to her left hand and accepted the handshake with a warm embrace, “Sorry about all the noise, this little one is easily riled and once worked up, hard to console.”
Harm reached for the carrier and set it down on Mac’s desk, “Let me take him…maybe I can get him to settle down.” He extracted the small infant from the elaborate restraints and brought the baby to his chest. When the crying continued, he began to bounce the infant in his arms. Unappeased the screams intensified further, Harm tried rocking the infant to and fro while he cooed in a soft voice.
In the meantime, Mac and Josephine shifted to a far corner of her office. Shaking her head to clear the deafening noise and regain hearing, Mac continued to question the social worker from the Department of Child Services. “What’s the story with this one? He seems awfully irritable?”
The CPS agent shuffled closer still in an attempt to be heard, “We think he’s about a week old. His mother turned him over to one of the fire stations last Wednesday, under the Safely Surrendered Baby Law. He still had a fresh umbilical stump, so we think he was probably born within the previous 24 hours. The mother left without giving any further information. He was taken to the UCSD neonatal intensive care unit for evaluation. His exam at that time was normal and he appeared to be full term.”
Mac watched while Harm continued to try and assuage the newborn. “You don’t know anything about him? Why doesn’t he calm down when he’s held?”
Josephine sighed, “They performed several test on him, including a CT scan of his brain…everything checked out except for his drug screen.” The social worker shifted from one foot to the other as she sifted through her pockets, finding a pacifier she tossed it to Harm. Returning her attention to Mac, “As I was saying, his drug screen was positive for cocaine, methamphetamines, and marijuana…that’s why the doctors think he’s so irritable.”
The pair turned back toward the frustrated giant, who at that moment was tossing the useless pacifier into the infant carrier…attempt number umpteen at mollification failed. Mac pointed toward her husband and the screaming baby, “So this is all because he’s withdrawing from drugs?”
Josephine shook her head, “Not really…at least not the withdrawal part. Only babies exposed to narcotics withdraw in a physical sense. Cocaine and amphetamines are psychologically addictive, not physically addictive. Addicts may crave the drugs, but they don’t have actual physical symptoms if they don’t get them. Babies on the other hand, tend to have problems with calming mechanisms…state control, as it’s referred to. They have difficulty finding self-soothing behaviors, such as sucking a thumb or bringing their hands to midline to quiet themselves. They also tend to overreact to external stimuli.”
Mac glanced back toward Harm, who was pacing the floor and jiggling the baby in his arms. She chuckled at the sight and walked over to relieve him of his burden. “Here Harm, give him to me.” He transferred the flailing infant and ran a hand over his face to clear the sweat.
Mac hugged the baby close to her chest. He stopped crying almost immediately and snuggled his face into her neck. Harm stood mouth agape and arms akimbo, “How’d you do that…I tried everything?”
She held a finger to her lips and whispered a soft ‘Ssshh’ sound. The infant sighed deeply, closed his eyes and fell asleep. As she tried to lower him to his carrier, he began to whimper. She hugged him close once again and he drifted off in slumber. A slight smile played at her lips, as she placed a gentle kiss on the baby’s dark silky hair. Inhaling deeply, she closed her own eyes and reveled in the scent of baby lotion.
Josephine stepped closer and whispered softly, “Ah, you seem to have the magic touch. I haven’t seen him that quiet in days.”
Mac mouthed, “What’s his name?”
Josephine shrugged, “We don’t know…we’ve been calling him Baby Boy Kalmia, because that’s the name of the fire station where he was surrendered. I guess his adoptive parents will get the pleasure of naming him.”
Mac rubbed her cheek against the soft head and smiled, “So what now? Do you already have an adoptive family lined up?”
Harm came up behind Mac and stroked his finger over the sleeping infant’s chubby cheek. The baby opened his mouth and grabbed on, sucking vigorously. Harm glanced at Mac with eyes big as saucers. She grinned in return and mouthed, “Instinct…rooting reflex.”
Josephine crossed her arms over her chest and cocked her head to the side, “That’s right it’s instinct.” She then smiled shrewdly and muttered under her breath, “…it’s all about instinct.”
Mac looked up and frowned, “What was that?”
Josephine shook her head, “Oh nothing…you were asking about an adoptive family? I actually have one in mind,” she raised her brow at Harm, “…but he’ll have to go to foster care first.”
He cleared his throat, “Ah Mac, about that…I was thinking…ah, maybe we could take him.”
Her expression changed for pleasure to hurt in the blink of an eye, “You want us to be his foster parents? Harm, we talked about this last week…we were going to wait until next year before we pursued other options. I don’t think I’m ready to be a foster parent just yet.”
He pleaded, “But Mac, he’s just waiting for us. I know we agreed to wait six months, but he might not be available then. Besides, I don’t want to miss out on the early stuff this time.”
Tears ringed her eyes and she blinked to hold them back, “Harm, I can’t…I can’t care for and love a child and then just give him up. Everything’s still too fresh…I couldn’t walk away. I know you want to do this, but I’m sorry, I just can’t.” The baby stirred in her arms and began to cry, responding to her emotional distress.
Josephine reached out to take the wailing bundle, but his cries intensified at the transfer. Mac’s eyes flicked to the door, seeking a path of escape as the tears overflowed her lashes. When the baby arched backwards in protest, nearly flipping from the caseworker’s arms, Mac responded on instinct and gathered him back in her embrace. His cries demurred to soft staccato whimpers before falling silent once again. Her eyes pleaded with Harm for sympathetic understanding.
His voice cracked with emotion, “But Mac, he’s ours. If we want him, we can have him…for forever.” Her eyes flicked to Josephine for confirmation. The social worker’s face shone with scheming enthusiasm, as she nodded in corroboration. Harm practically danced in place with excitement, “What do you say, Sarah? Do you want to take him home? Can we give Ben a baby brother?