Part 21
04:20
Wednesday
2 February 2011
Neonatal Intensive Care Unit
UCSD Medical Center
San Diego, California
Harm followed the nurse and physician through the adjoining doors and into the NICU. He slowed his footsteps as they made their way through the sea of incubators and warmer beds. His face paled and his hands trembled as he listened to the never-ending shrill noise made from alarms and ventilators.
They stopped beside an empty warmer bed and the nurse looked up in time to notice the nervous father sway on unsteady feet. She reached for his arm, “Mr. Rabb, are you OK? Would you like to sit down?”
Harm shook his head and blinked rapidly to regain his composure. Breathing deeply, he planted his feet firmly, “No, I’m fine…it’s just that,” he waved a hand around the room, “…this is all a bit overwhelming.”
The neonatologist spoke up, “I don’t believe I’ve introduced myself…I’m Dr. Margaret Finnegan, one of the newborn intensive doctors and this is Marilyn, one of our NICU nurses. Marilyn is going to be taking care of your little girl tonight.” The physician motioned for Harm to come closer to the bed, “I know this place can be a bit unnerving, but your daughter is really doing very well…I don’t expect her to need most of our services.”
Harm watched as they transferred Ellie from the transport isolette and placed the swaddled bundle on the radiant warmer. Unwrapping the blankets, one by one, the baby’s little body finally came into view. The nurse lifted the infant to place her on the scale. “Mr. Rabb, did you bring your camera?” When Harm frowned in question, Marilyn explained, “A lot of the parents like to get a picture of the baby on the scale with the birth weight displayed.”
Harm’s eyes widened, “I left the house so quickly; I didn’t even think about bringing my camera.”
Marilyn smiled, “That’s OK, you can get a picture another time.” Ellie’s little arms and legs flailed in the cool air. She let out a cry as the scale rocked from the movements. Harm reached out a hand to calm his daughter just as the nurse announced, “She weighs 3 pounds-8 ounces.”
His mouth gaped, “She only weighs 3-1/2 pounds? She’s so small!”
Dr. Finnegan chuckled, “Actually she’s one of our bigger preemies…we get some that weigh less than a pound.”
He watched as the nurse carefully placed Ellie back on the warmer bed, connecting wires to her chest and affixing brown tape to her foot. “What’s your little one’s name?”
He reached out and gently picked up Ellie’s hand, “Her name is Elizabeth Christine Rabb, but we’re going to call her Ellie.”
“Ellie, what a beautiful name.” Pointing to wires, she explained, “The leads that I’ve attached to Ellie’s chest allow us to monitor her heart rate and breathing.” Marilyn pointed to the tape on the baby’s foot, “And this glowing device allows us to monitor her oxygen levels without having to stick her for blood.”
Harm looked up to study the cardiac monitor, “Do her numbers all look good?”
Dr. Finnegan looked up from writing in the chart, “She looks perfect. Her heart rate is normal…and her breathing and oxygen levels are just where we want them. She doesn’t show any signs of respiratory problems from immature lungs. We’re going to draw some blood work from Ellie to rule out infection, but it takes a few days to get the final results. In the meantime, I’m going to start her on IV antibiotics just to be safe.”
He turned the baby’s tiny hand over to study the veins, “How do you draw blood and start an IV in someone so small?”
“We have special needles and catheters made just for babies,” the physician smiled. “We’re also going to start Ellie on an IV sugar water solution so she doesn’t get dehydrated. Later today, if she continues to do well, we may start her on some small feeding through a tube placed from her nose into her stomach.”
Harm looked up to the doctor, “But my wife wants to breastfeed, Dr. Sherman said that wouldn’t be a problem.”
“Well, Ellie is a little too premature to master that skill just yet. We usually start with tube feedings and then slowly work toward feeding by mouth over the next 2 to 4 weeks. I’ll have the lactation specialist assist Mom with pumping to provide breast milk for Ellie.”
Marilyn handed him a card, “I wrote down Ellie’s birth weight and her length so you can show Mom. She’s 18 inches in length…that’s long for a preemie her size.”
Harm laughed, “I could have predicted that…both her Mom and I are tall.”
Marilyn motioned toward the door to labor and delivery, “I’m going to draw Ellie’s blood and start her IV. You’re welcome to watch, but most parents don’t like to see their little ones get stuck.”
Harm inched backwards, “I think I’ll go find my wife and fill her in on Ellie’s condition. Can I come back later?”
Dr. Finnegan walked him to the exit, “You’re welcome to visit almost any time. We block visitation from 6:30 to 7:30 morning and evening while the nurses change shift and discuss the patients. Other than that, you can stay with Ellie as much as you want…but don’t allow Mom or yourself to get to worn out; no one expects you to be here 24 hours a day.” She opened the door and pointed him toward the recovery area.
Harm walked down the nearly deserted hall and paused when he heard a baby’s soft cry. Inhaling deeply, he looked down at the card in his hand…three and half pounds, she weighed less than half what Conner did at birth. The edges of his mouth tipped up in a smile…Ellie might be small in size, but she was strong in spirit. He whispered to himself, “She’s just like her Mom…feisty and tough.” He shook his head and muttered, “My little Marine.”
He was directed to Mac’s bedside in the recovery room and poked his head around the curtain. “Hey Marine, how are you feeling?”
She opened her eyes, lids still drooping in sleep, “Pretty good…anesthesia hasn’t worn off yet.” She blinked, coming further awake, “How’s Ellie doing?”
Harm beamed with pride, “She’s great, Mac. She weighs 3 pounds-8 ounces and is 18 inches long. I guess she got our height. Her breathing is fine…she’s not even on oxygen. They were getting ready to draw blood and start an IV when I left. The doctor thought she might be able to start a little food through a feeding tube, later today.”
Mac’s expression fell, “I can’t breastfeed?”
He reached out to stroke his fingers over her cheek, “Dr. Finnegan said she’s too premature to eat by mouth just yet. She’s going to have a breastfeeding specialist help you to start pumping later today.”
She nodded in understanding, “Tell me about her, Harm? What does she look like?”
He smiled in full flyboy grin, “She’s beautiful just like her Mother. She has dark hair and your nose and mouth. She’s little, but she’s tough…like a Marine. I counted ten fingers and ten toes. Her arms aren’t any bigger around than my thumb…and when she grabs hold of my finger, her hand just barely fits around it.” He watched Mac’s eyes slowly drift shut. Leaning over, he placed a kiss on forehead, “Get some sleep, sweetheart…you deserve it after what you went through tonight.”
She cracked open one eye, “Harm, are you going home to get some sleep?”
He sat down beside her bed and reached for her hand, “I’m not going anywhere…my girls need me.”
“But…”
He stroked his thumb over the back of her hand, “Ssssh, I’m just fine…go to sleep, sweetheart. Ellie’s waiting to meet her Mommy later today.” She was asleep before he finished the sentence. He laid his head on the bed, tucked up against her arm and whispered as he nodded off, “I love you, Sarah. Thank you for the gift of my daughter.”
***
14:00
Wednesday
2 February 2011
Neonatal Intensive Care Unit
UCSD Medical Center
San Diego, California
Harm maneuvered the wheelchair through the NICU doors. Stopping before the scrub sink, he asked, “Are you ready to meet Ellie?”
Mac smiled with excitement, “I’ve never been more ready for anything in my life.”
He helped her wash her hands and pushed her toward Ellie’s bed ‘spot.’ Finding the radiant warmer empty, he turned in a panic when he failed to locate his daughter. One of the nurses noticed the fearful father and walked over to help, “May I help you?”
“My daughter,” he stuttered, “…I can’t find her. She was here in this bed earlier.”
The nurse placed a hand on his arm to still the nervous movements, “I’m sure she’s fine…let’s go see if we can find her. What’s her name?”
“Ellie…ah, Baby Girl Rabb,” rushed forth, his eyes still wide with worry.
The nurse escorted them to the front desk and inquired about Ellie’s location. Turning back to the troubled pair, she smiled, “It seems Ellie was doing so well that they moved her to the step-down unit. If you follow me, I take you to her bed spot.”
Harm released a relieved sigh and pushed Mac’s wheelchair behind the NICU nurse. “Do they move the babies around a lot?”
“Sometimes we move the little ones for staffing or to make room for the more critically ill infants. The fact that your daughter didn’t need the higher acuity unit is a good thing.”
Harm nodded, “I suppose…it was just kind of scary when she wasn’t where I left her. I thought something bad had happened,” his voice cracked with the last statement.
“I understand your worry,” the nurse acknowledged. “We didn’t intend to scare you. If something untoward had happened, someone would have called to notify you.”
Harm pondered that statement, “Then I guess it would be a good idea to leave my cell phone number and other alternative ways to reach us?”
The nurse stopped inside the special care nursery area and asked about Ellie’s location. Motioning toward an isolette in the back of the room, she directed the wary parents to the bedside, “Here we are. Mr. and Mrs. Rabb, this is Beth…she’s Ellie nurse for today. She’ll be glad to give you a tour and some information on our visiting policies. There’s a place for you to list grandparents’ names and alternative contact numbers. Again, I’m sorry for all the worry; I better get back to my patient assignment.”
Harm wheeled Mac closer to the incubator so she could see the baby. The nurse opened the portholes of the isolette, “You can reach in and touch her.”
Mac sat back in the wheelchair, “I don’t want to hurt her.”
Beth reached in to turn Ellie’s face toward her parents, “You won’t hurt her. She needs to hear your voice and feel your touch…go ahead.”
Mac reached out a tentative hand and stroked her finger down Ellie’s cheek. The baby opened her eyes and stared at her parents. “Oh Harm, she’s beautiful. I can’t believe how tiny she is.” She looked up to the nurse, “You’re sure she’s doing OK?”
Beth smiled, “Absolutely, would you like to hold her?”
Mac’s eyes widened, “Do you think that’s a good idea? I mean…I wouldn’t want to do anything that might cause a problem.”
Beth reached for a couple of blankets and began to wrap the baby, “She needs to know that you’re here. Holding her won’t hurt her in any way. This time I’ll wrap her in blankets to keep her warm, but next time we’ll do something called ‘kangaroo care.’ That’s where….”
Harm chuckled, “We’re well acquainted with kangaroo care.”
Beth placed a hat on Ellie’s head, “Here this will help keep her warm.” She gently placed the baby in Mac’s arms and closed the isolette door. Looking back toward Harm, she asked, “If you know all about kangaroo care then you’ve had a preemie before?”
He shook his head, “No, but our son had a history of drug exposure during pregnancy…he was really irritable and difficult to console. We found the only way to keep him calm, was to hold him skin-to-skin.”
The nurse peered back with concern, “What drugs was your son exposed to?”
Harm squinted in concentration, “Let’s see cocaine, marijuana and methamphetamines. I think that’s all…right Mac?”
Mac watched the nurse’s expression change from concerned to guarded, and quickly amended the statement, “I think I should explain that Connor was adopted. His birth mother left him at one of the fire stations under the Safely Surrender Law. He was placed with us when he was about a week old. We’re child advocacy lawyers and we work closely with Child Protective Services.”
Beth’s smile returned, “I understand…I was a little worried there for a minute. Typically we send drug screens on the babies if there’s a history of drug use.”
Harm shook his head, “We’d never do anything like that…we waited too long for our daughter to ever put her at risk. We have two little boys, both adopted. We didn’t think we’d ever be able to get pregnant. We tried for two years, and went through every kind of fertility treatment imaginable, including IVF, without success. We finally gave up and decided we were just meant to have Ben and Conner. Then,” he clicked his fingers, “…out of the blue, we found out Mac was pregnant. She fainted in the judge’s chambers as he was finalizing Conner’s adoption.”
Beth chuckled, “You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve heard that same story. Not the fainting part, but the unexpected pregnancy after the parents had given up. So how is your son, now?”
“Conner? He’s great…a terror at times, but wonderfully normal. He and his big brother keep up hopping.”
The unit clerk came into the room and walked over to the bedside, “Mr. Rabb, you have a couple of visitors outside.”
Harm frowned back in question, “Who would be visiting now?”
The clerk smiled, “A set of grandparents…I think they said they were your parents, sir. They also have a little boy with them, who says he’s Ellie’s big brother.”
Harm motioned toward the door, “Mac, I’m going to go see what’s going on. If Mom and Frank are outside with Ben, I wonder who has Conner?” He started toward the door, but then turned back around, “Is it OK if my folks come in to visit?”
Beth nodded, “Of course, we allow 2 people at the bedside, besides the parents. How old is your son?”
Mac chimed in, “Ben is 4-1/2 years old. Connor is 17 months, but I doubt they brought him along.”
“I don’t suppose you have Ben’s immunization record with you?”
Mac nodded, “I have it in my purse back in the room.”
“If you promise to bring it in next time you visit, I’ll let Ben come see his baby sister.” The nurse added, “We allow siblings to visit, as long as their immunizations are up-to-date and they aren’t sick. Just have the unit clerk do a quick health screen and take Ben’s temperature before you bring him back.”
Five minutes later, Harm reappeared with Ben tagging closely behind, hand firmly clutched in Daddy’s. As he got close to the bedside, Ben released his grip and hurried to Mac’s side, “Mama, I missed you!”
Mac leaned over to place a kiss on his cheek, “I missed you too. Did you come to visit Ellie?” Ben nodded his head and peered at the bundle in Mama’s arms.
Beth bent down to the little one’s level, “Would you like to see your sister?”
Ben tucked his head against Mama’s arm and played shy. Harm squatted down and took Ben into his arms, “Come here, little man.” He placed a kiss on Ben’s cheek and maneuvered the little boy closer to his sister. Pulling the blankets away from Ellie’s face and chest, he smiled at his son, “What do you think, Ben? She’s little isn’t she?”
Ben stepped closer and reached out his hand to gently grasp Ellie’s. Leaning in, he placed a kiss on her forehead, “She’s way littler than Connor was.” He stroked his finger over her head, “When can she come home, Mama?”
Mac pointed toward the nurse, “I’m not sure…why don’t you ask Beth?”
Ben looked up with eyes wide, then leaned toward his mother and whispered, “I don’t want to…you ask her?”
Mac chuckled, “Beth, Ben wants to know when Ellie can come home?”
The nurse leaned down to the little boy, “Well, your sister was born about two months early. So I expect she’ll have to stay here for about a month or so.”
Ben looked back toward Mac with a puzzled expression. She wrapped her arm around her son, “That’s about four weeks or…30 days or so.” At his continued look of confusion, she smiled, “That means she’ll be here for a little while. She needs to learn how to eat, and stay warm, and get bigger before she can come home.”
Ben’s eyes clouded over, “Mama, do you have to stay that long? I want you to come home.”
Mac pulled the boy closer to her chest and kissed his cheek, “Mama should be home in a couple of days, punkin. Just, Ellie has to stay longer, but we can come visit her everyday.”
Ben buried his face in her neck and muttered, “Okay.”
Harm reached down and picked the little boy up in his arms, “Are you ready to go see Papa?” Ben nodded and held on tight, nuzzling his face in Daddy’s neck. Harm patted his back and pointed toward the door, “I’ll take Ben back outside and send Mom in to see Ellie.”
As they walked toward the door, Ben waved, “Bye, bye Mama…I love you, Ellie.”
***
11:00
Saturday
5 February 2011
Neonatal Intensive Care Unit
UCSD Medical Center
San Diego, California
Beth smiled at Ellie’s parents as they entered the room, “I see you’re getting around better today.”
Harm nodded, “Oh yeah, she gets to come home…so I guess it’s time to give up the wheelchair.” He helped Mac into the bedside recliner and turned back to the nurse, “How’s my little girl doing today?”
Beth opened the portholes to adjust Ellie’s position, “She doing really great. We advanced her feedings some more…I expect her to lose the IV nutrition later today.” She looked at Mac, “Would you like to hold her?”
Mac nodded with excitement, “Of course…this will be the last time before I’m discharged today.”
Beth removed the t-shirt from Ellie and changed her diaper, “Daddy, if you’ll pull the curtain around the bed, Mom can undo her gown.” Harm complied, as Mac situated herself in the recliner. Beth placed Ellie up against Mac’s chest skin-to-skin. Ellie initially began to whimper and fidget, but quieted when she felt Mama’s embrace.
Harm took a seat next to his girls and stroked a finger over Ellie’s cheek. The baby turned her face toward the finger and began to root. Harm smiled at the reflexive movement, “Look at that…she’s trying to suck. I haven’t seen her do that before.”
Beth leaned in close, “Mom, do you want to try and breastfeed?”
Mac’s eyes widened, “Do you think she’s ready? They tried a bottle yesterday and she wasn’t interested.”
“Why don’t we give it a try? At 32 weeks gestation, her suck-swallow reflex is just developing. I don’t expect she’ll do a lot, but giving her the chance to nuzzle and suck helps her to develop that normal feeding response. Plus, she can control the flow of milk a lot easier at the breast.”
Beth helped Mac to position the baby at her breast. As Ellie’s mouth came in contact with the nipple, she opened wide and stuck her tongue out to lick, before latching on. Sucking a couple of times, Ellie paused to breath. She continued in a slow intermittent feeding pattern, sucking a few times before resting for long intervals. Mac’s eyes widened further as a smile broke free on her face, “She’s doing it!”
Harm leaned in to place a gentle kiss on Ellie’s soft hair, “Yes, she is…that’s my girl.”
The trio sat enjoying the private moment for the next 15 minutes. When Ellie fell asleep at the breast, Mac tried to pull her into an upright position. As the nipple began to slip from her mouth, Ellie instinctively sucked harder. Beth leaned in to help, “Mom, if you’ll just insert your finger into the side of her mouth, you can break the suction. If you try to just pull her off, you’ll hurt your breast.”
Mac successfully removed the baby’s little mouth with the next attempt. Ellie stretched and scrunched up her face, before falling back asleep. Mac patted her back until she released a quiet burp. Kissing the baby’s cheek, she turned to Harm, “Do you want to hold her for a little while?”
He looked back toward the nurse, “Would that be alright? I don’t want to stress her too much?”
Beth nodded, “Of course, let me lift the baby from Mom and then you can switch positions.” Mac slowly stood up from the chair, carefully holding her C-section incision. Once she’d moved to the adjoining chair, Harm sat down and opened his shirt. Ellie snuggled in on contact with Daddy’s chest. He gently rocked her back to sleep, while softly humming a lullaby.
Ten minutes later, Harm startled when the baby’s heart rate alarm began to sound. As he looked up to the monitor screen, he saw the EKG complexes begin to widen out as the heart rate fell from 140 to 100 to 80 and finally 60. He panicked and pulled Ellie back away from his chest. “Something’s wrong…I don’t think she’s breathing!”
Beth stepped in beside the chair and rubbed a hand vigorously up and down Ellie’s back. The infant startled and took a deep breath. The heart rate immediately accelerated back to a normal level. “There we go…all better. Ellie, you shouldn’t scare Mommy and Daddy like that.”
Harm’s mouth hung agape as he tried to form words. Tears glazed Mac’s eyes and she trembled in response to the alarms. Harm lifted the baby and handed her to the nurse, “Maybe you should put her back.”
Beth settled Ellie back into her incubator. Turning back to the terrified parents, she explained, “It’s OK…Ellie just had an apnea and bradycardia spell. Most preemies have them. That just means, she forgot to breathe and then her heart rate slowed down. It happens because the brain is still immature and the brainstem doesn’t always remind them to breathe. She’s just fine. At her age, most babies have a few, but they rarely ever require more than a little stimulation to remind them to take a deep breath. Most everyone outgrows them before they go home.”
Mac finally found her voice, “I certainly hope so…I don’t want to take her home doing that.”
Beth shook her head, “I promise we won’t send her home until she’s stable. As her brain matures, she’ll stop having the A and B events. An occasional baby may still have a few at discharge; in that case, we send them home with a monitor…but usually that’s not necessary.”
Harm stood up and reached out to grab Mac’s arm, “Come on Mama, I should probably get you home.”
Mac leaned into his side and buried her face in his chest. He felt the dampness of tears through his shirt. Tilting her face up to his, he wiped away the tears, “What’s this? Beth said that Ellie’s OK.”
Mac sniffed, “I know, but I don’t want to leave her behind.”
He pulled her into his arms and rubbed a hand up and down her back, “I know, sweetheart…but Ellie’s not ready to come home yet.” He felt her body tremble against his.
Beth touched a hand to Mac’s arm, “It’s OK, Mom…your response is pretty normal. No mother wants to leave her baby behind in the hospital. It’s not fair to go through all that you did and still, not get to take Ellie home. She’s not ready yet, but it won’t be long. In the meantime, you can visit everyday.” The nurse glanced toward Harm, “Just don’t wear yourselves out…no one expects you to be here 24-7.”
Harm reached for some tissues and wrapped an arm around Mac’s waist, “Come on, sweetheart…let’s get you off your feet. Besides, I bet Ben and Conner are anxiously awaiting Mama’s return.” He slowly led her through the NICU doors and into the hall. Now came the hard part, getting Ellie big enough and strong enough to come home.
***
11:45
Wednesday
2 March 2011
UCSD Medical Center
San Diego, California
Harm hurried around the car, carefully securing his daughter’s car seat into the back. Mac extended her arms and drew Beth into a warm hug, “Thank you for all your wonderful care these last 4 weeks. I don’t know how we would have survived without you and all the other nurses and doctors.”
Beth hugged back, “It been our pleasure.” Pulling back, she smiled, “You just make sure to send us pictures of Ellie as she grows…and we expect an occasional visit. You two enjoy her…she’s a real treasure.”
Harm extended a hand in thanks, “Oh, we definitely will…we waited to long for our little girl not to enjoy every single day with both her and her brothers.” Turning toward Mac, he placed an arm around her waist, “Well, we better get going. Ben and Connor are going to be wondering what happened to us.” He helped Mac into the backseat beside Ellie and waved to Beth as he closed the car door.
Once he was seated in front, he turned back to his wife, “Are we ready to head home?”
Mac smiled, “Absolutely, I can’t wait for all of our family to be in one place tonight.”
As he turned the key in the ignition, he turned around once again, “Are you sure she’s OK? I don’t want her to have any of those breathing spells in the car seat.”
Mac nodded indulgently, “She’s fine, Harm. Ellie hasn’t had any apnea or bradycardia spells in over two weeks. Besides, Beth said she passed her car seat challenge with flying colors.” When he continued to stare, she chuckled, “Would you like me to drive so you can sit back here with her?”
He shook his head and shifted the gear into drive, “No, I just can’t believe she’s finally coming home. It’s kind of scary to leave the monitors and all the nursing staff behind. I think it really hit me when they made us take CPR yesterday…you don’t think we’ll need to use it do you?”
She reached out to grab his hand, “No, I doubt it, but you can never be too safe. Now how about we head home.”
He released a sigh and turned forward, peering out the windshield. Just as he was about to hit the gas, he turned around once more, “Do we have everything? You grabbed the cooler with the breast milk?”
She laughed, “Yes Harm, we have everything…now let’s go introduce Ellie to her brother, Conner.”
He looked a bit sheepish, “Sorry, I’m OK…let’s go home.”
He drove 5 miles under the speed limit all the way home, pulling to slow stops and delayed accelerations. He wasn’t taking any risks with his precious cargo. Arriving at the house, he jumped from the car and ran around to the back door. Reaching in, he helped Mac from the car before withdrawing his daughter. Ellie opened her eyes with the movement as if sensing she was home. He leaned over and cooed at his baby girl, “Hey sweet pea, you’re finally home…ready to meet the rest of the family?” Ellie stared at her Daddy’s face and then smiled. “Mac, she just smiled!”
Mac tugged the bags from the car and turned to the pair, “She’s too young to really smile…it was probably gas.”
He cooed back to the baby, “Don’t you listen to Mama…Daddy knows you smiled for him.”
As they entered the house, Trish rushed to the door, “There’s my granddaughter.” She took the carrier from Harm, placing it on the kitchen counter; she lifted Ellie into her arms. “How’s my beautiful girl? Your brothers have been waiting for you to come home.”
Ben rushed to Mac’s side with Connor cruising close behind, “Mama, I missed you. You don’t have to stay at the hospital again do you?”
Mac lifted Connor into her arms and pulled Ben to her side, “No punkin, everyone is home for good now. Daddy and Mama just stayed last night to learn how to take care of Ellie.”
Connor pointed at his sister, “Babee…Ewie.”
“That’s right, sweetie…that’s your Ellie.” Carrying the toddler closer, Connor peered at the infant and poked a finger at her face. Mac pulled him back before he could make contact, “No, no sweetie…you have to be careful.” Gently holding his hand, she moved back in close, “Can you give Ellie a kiss?”
Connor leaned over and placed a wet kiss on Ellie’s cheek. Pulling back, he giggled, “Babee Ewie.”
“That’s right, that’s your baby Ellie.”
Connor looked over her shoulder and caught sight of his father. Flapping his hands, he squealed, “Dada…Dada…up!”
Harm took the toddler from Mac, “There’s my little man…Daddy missed you last night.” Connor wrapped his arms tightly around Harm’s neck and placed an open-mouthed kiss on his cheek with a loud, ‘Mwawa.’
The remainder of the day was spent passing the baby from Gummy to Mama to Papa to Mama to brothers to Daddy to Mama. By evening, Ellie was tired, over stimulated and irritable. Harm took on the boys’ bedtime routine while Mac retreated to the master suite to feed the baby.
Once the boys were bathed, pajama’ed and read to, Conner was settled into his crib and asleep before his head hit the pillow…the excitement of the day clearly taking its toll. Harm wandered back into Ben’s room to tuck the 4-year old into bed.
“Daddy, can you lay with me for a while?”
Sensing his son felt a bit neglected, for the fawning over the newest Rabb, Harm reclined back against the pillows and pulled Ben onto his chest. Ben snuggled his head under his Daddy’s chin and sighed. Just as Harm thought he’d nodded off to sleep, Ben lifted his head and stared into his eyes. Frowning in concentration, the boy questioned, “Daddy can I ask you something?”
Harm smiled at the serious look on his son’s face, “Sure buddy, what do you want to know?”
Ben traced his fingers along Harm’s cheek, “I was wondering…” he paused and bit his lower lip.
Harm rubbed his hand up and down Ben’s back, “What is it, little man?”
Ben sighed deeply, “Do you love Ellie more than me?”
Harm sat up on the bed pulling Ben closer to his chest, “Of course not, Daddy loves you and Ellie and Connor all the same. Why would you think I love Ellie more?”
Tears appeared in his son’s eyes, “Because Ellie is really yours and Mama’s…and I’m just ‘dopted.”
Harm hugged him tightly and kissed the top of his head, “Oh Benjamin, Mama and Daddy love all their babies. It doesn’t matter how we got you. Do you remember when we got Connor? I told you we had enough love for everybody.”
Ben’s lip quivered, “But I’m not your real baby like Ellie.”
He wiped away Ben’s tears and then settled him into his lap. Taking the tiny hands in his own, he explained, “Do you remember when I told you that Mama and I picked you…and you picked us?” Ben nodded in reply. “Well, how about if Daddy tells you the story of how you picked Mommy and me?”
Ben whispered, “’kay.”
“Well, your first Mommy and Daddy loved you very much, but there was a bad accident and God needed them in heaven. God also knew that your Mama and I needed a little boy. Mommy and me didn’t think we’d ever be able to have a baby, so we were really happy when God gave us you. Does that make sense?”
Ben shrugged his shoulders, “Kinda.”
Harm raised Ben’s hand to his lips and kissed his palm, “Did you know that you told your Mama to marry me?”
Ben shook his head, “Really?”
Harm nodded, “Yep…Mama and Daddy weren’t married yet when we got you. One morning right after you came, you looked at me and said your first word…Dada. I knew then that you picked me to be your Daddy. Then you called Mommy…Mama…and picked her too. And then,” Harm tickled his tummy, “…you picked up Mama’s ring and told her to marry me…and she did, just like you said.”
Of course you almost separated us for life, flitted silently through Harm’s mind, as he remembered that heartbreaking scene in the restaurant all those years ago…best not to let Ben in on that little secret.
Ben pondered the story for a moment then rolling his eyes toward the ceiling, asked, “But if you ‘dopted me and Conner…why didn’t you ‘dopt Ellie too?”
Harm considered Ben’s question for a minute, “Well, I think it was because God knew that Ellie was fragile, so he had to give her to Mama directly.”
Ben scrunched up his face, “I don’t understand…what’s fagil?”
Harm chuckled, “You mean fra-gile…that means something that can break easily. Let me see if I can explain. You know at the dinner table how Mama and I have different cups than you and Connor?”
Ben nodded, “Yeah…Mama said that’s because your cup would break if I dropped it, so she gives me a cup that won’t break.”
“Exactly,” he ruffled the little boy’s hair, “…Ellie’s kind of like Mama’s breakable…or fragile…cup. You remember how Mama had to stay in the hospital before Ellie was born…and then after that, Ellie had to stay in the hospital even longer?”
Ben nodded, “Yeah, I didn’t like that…I wanted Mama at home with me.”
“Mama needed to stay in the hospital to keep Ellie safe, so she didn’t break. That’s why God gave Ellie to Mama and me, instead of adopting her. We needed to take extra special care of her because she was so tiny.”
“So you don’t love her more,” Ben ran his fingers over his Daddy’s lips.
Harm reached up to capture the little hand and pressed it to his lips for a kiss. “No, I don’t love Ellie more. I love all three of my kids the same. Besides, you were my very first special baby…I wouldn’t have wanted any baby but you. I love you…Benjamin…Carter…Rabb,” each word was punctuated with a kiss.
Ben smiled, “I love you too, Daddy.”
Harm grinned, “Really…how much?”
Ben spread his arms wide and giggled, “This much!” He leaned in close, “How much do you love me, Daddy?”
Harm leaned in to kiss his nose, “More than that!”
Ben pointed his finger up, “To the ceiling?”
Harm shook his head, “No, even more than that?”
Ben’s eyes widened, “Really?”
Harm nodded, “I love you all the way to the moon and back.”
Ben’s mouth formed a silent ‘wow.’ Snuggling into Daddy’s chest, he yawned with a sigh, “Me too, Daddy…to the moon…and back.”
Harm kissed the top of his son’s head and gently rocked him in his arms until he was fast asleep.
Once Ben was snuggled safe and sound in bed, Harm wandered back to the master bedroom. Entering the room, he found Mac sitting on the bed nursing Ellie. Quickly changing to sleep pants and a t-shirt, he joined Mac on the bed. He yawned deeply, “Boy what a day. I don’t remember the last time I was this tired. Of course, it didn’t help that neither one of us slept well at the hospital last night.” He moved closer to Mac and reached for Ellie’s hand, “Is she almost done?”
Mac nodded, “Yeah, I think so…she’s almost asleep.” The baby’s mouth dropped open almost on command. Mac smiled and removed Ellie from her breast.
As she shifted the baby onto her shoulder, he reached out, “Here, I’ll take her.” He placed the little bundle on his shoulder and gently patted her back until she burped. Drawing her back into his arms, he rested her body on his lap while supporting her head. Gazing at the cherubic face, he smiled, “She’s so beautiful, just like I dreamed she would be.” He stroked a finger down her cheek and across her full lips. Ellie smiled in her dreams at the ticklish sensation. Harm laughed in return, “See, I told you she smiled for me…and don’t tell me it’s gas. She loves her Daddy…don’t you Ellie?”
Mac rested her head against his shoulder, “She’s perfect. I can’t believe we finally made good on our deal.” Stroking her fingers through his hair, she leaned up to kiss his cheek, “Thank you for not letting me give up…and for our daughter…and our two sons. Who would have guessed a trio of matchmakers could create such blissful perfection?”
He leaned down to capture her lips, “I’m glad the matchmakers wouldn’t let either one of us give up. When I was tucking Ben in tonight, he said something that reminded of that horrible day in the restaurant when I thought you’d moved on and found someone else. As I watched you with that baby, all I could think about was that that baby should have been mine,” he face brightened, “…and then somehow miraculously he was. I can’t believe that despite all my years of inaction and inarticulate cowardice, fate granted me my every wish,” his gaze returned to his daughter’s face, “…and then some.”
Ellie wiggled and stretched in her sleep. Mac reached for her little hand and rubbed a thumb over its surface. “I can’t believe she’s still so tiny.”
He continued to stroke the rosy cheek, “I know what you mean. I almost freaked out when they told us we could take her home yesterday. I thought for sure the doctor would want her to get bigger before discharge…she’s not even 5 pounds yet. Do you think she’ll survive the nonstop circus of her big brothers?”
Mac smiled, “I think she’ll hold her own just fine…she’s your little marine after all.”
Harm gathered his daughter into his arms and stood up from the bed, “I guess we better let her…and us…get some sleep.” He carefully laid her down in the cradle and gave it a gentle push to allow it to swing. Glancing back at Mac, he smiled with satisfaction, “I knew this cradle would be perfect for our children,” his smile grew to mischievous, “…and grandchildren.”
She huffed back, “Harm, I just gave birth to our daughter, and her brothers aren’t even five yet…do you think you could give me a few more years before you start picturing me as a grandmother.”
He climbed back onto bed and crawled toward her with a predatory look, “Mac, I told you before…you don’t look like any grandmother I’ve ever seen.” Pushing her back into the pillows, he hovered over her body a moment before lowering himself on top of her. He slowly brought his face closer to hers, never closing his eyes until their lips made contact. Running his hands up her side, he deepened the kiss and sighed with unabated happiness and pleasure. As he pulled back to catch his breath, he whispered, “I love you,” then dipped in to feast on that favorite place on her neck where it met gracefully with the slope of her shoulder.
She ran her foot down his calf as her hand drifted up in a light caress of his back. Inhaling deeply in defeat, she lightly pinched his back to gain his attention, “Harm…sweetheart, the doctor said not for six weeks…it’s only been a month.”
He rested his forehead against her shoulder and attempted to control his breathing. Lifting his head to meet her gaze, he smiled sheepishly through tired eyes, “Probably for the best, we’re both exhausted and Ellie will be up again in a couple of hours. Although,” his tongue peeked out as his flyboy smile appeared undeterred by fatigue.
She reached up to caress his cheek, “Time for sleep, Sailor,” was her yawned response.
He rolled onto his back and pulled her to his chest. Reaching up, he turned off the light before hugging her close. She wiggled until her head found that perfect spot on his shoulder, her leg sliding between his. His hand moved of its own volition, finding the soft skin of her back. Her hand maneuvered under his t-shirt until fingertips caressed the skin of his side. Both sighed with contentment, a tangle of arms and legs, and hands and bodies. Softly whispered, ‘I love you’s,’ drifted lazily from voices slurred by the beckoning lure of sleep to fill the stillness of the dark room. Then all was quiet in the house of the Rabbs, as the world shifted ever so slightly to rotate on that ideal axis designed by fate. Their family was finally complete and at home for the first time, under one roof…in one home…a speck in the cosmos, predestined by the perfect plan of fate. Love reigned pure and true…to the moon and back.