Joy Cometh in the Morning—Part 8/20


Part 8

07:30
Saturday, May 20th, 2006
Rabb House
Maclean, Virginia

Harm dragged into the house. He’d made it home with little fanfare; traffic had been light at this early hour on a Saturday morning. He’d left his cell phone number in both ICUs in case there were problems with either Mac or Sophie and promised to return before noon. He trudged into the kitchen, prepared the coffeemaker and hit start. He took 2 steps away and then pivoted back, adding 2 more scoops of ground coffee to the basket. He figured if he were going to make it through the day ahead, he would need Mac’s version of ‘marine strength’ sludge. He climbed the stairs heading to the master bedroom; stripping along the way, he relaxed under the hot spray of water beating down from the showerhead. Throwing on a comfortable t-shirt and jeans he began to prepare a new bag of toiletries and pajamas for Mac. He figured she would want to get out of the hospital-issued gown and into something soft and personal as soon as possible. As he was zipping the bag he paused, Sophie deserved something soft and personal too. He unzipped the tote and walked into the nursery to the crib looking for the chenille bunny. He was puzzled when he was unable to locate the stuffed animal, until he’d remembered the last time he’d been in this room. It had been the month before when Mac went into preterm labor. He’d been afraid to enter the room since, fearing that fate in her cruel way might dictate that Sophie never come home, never sleep in her crib, never dream of the future, never…survive. He shook his head to clear the morbid thought and began to search in earnest for the bunny. He found it several minutes later on the floor next to the rocking chair. Something about the rocker drew him in; he settled into its smooth wooden surface and leaned his head against the backrest closing his eyes. He felt a sense of peace wash over him and in a moment’s time he was sound asleep.

He was dreaming again, scenes from Sophie’s first year flitted in and out of his grasp. They were finally bringing her home from the hospital after a 3-month stay. The discharge had been delayed due to her ongoing lung problems. She’d come home with oxygen, a monitor, and special feedings, but they didn’t care, Sophie was finally home. He and Mac had argued over Sophie’s discharge attire. He’d wanted to dress her in an elaborate smocked gown, compliments of Grandma Trish in honor of the momentous occasion, but Mac had insisted on a simple pink sleeper with embroidered rosebuds. He hadn’t understood the intensity of Mac’s argument but knew that there was something significant to her about the soft pink sleeper and thus finally gave in to her demands. Sophie was a fussy and demanding baby, but the pediatrician had explained that this was common in babies that had spent so much time in the NICU. Mac had been disappointed that Sophie had refused to breast feed after weeks of tube feedings, but resigned herself to pumping, still wanting to provide Sophie with the benefits of breast milk during her first year. They had settled into a routine of sorts. Mac would pump and he would bottle feed. Sophie seemed to settle to her Daddy’s touch but delighted in testing Mommy’s patience. He thought it was because Mac and Sophie had similar personalities, after all Sophie had ‘Daddy’s looks but Mommy’s brains.’ Mac argued instead that Sophie had Daddy wrapped around her little finger. Grandpa A.J. reasoned they were both right after having spent years dealing with the ‘dynamic duos’ antics.

On Sophie’s 6-month birthday Harm arrived home with a gift sack in hand. He breezed into the kitchen brushed a quick kiss past Mac’s cheek nearly missing his target and began sorting through the mail. “How was Sophie’s 6-month check-up with Dr. Matthewson?” The pediatrician had been recommend by Dr. Williams and they’d understood why on Sophie’s first visit. Dr. Matthewson was a big jolly teddy bear of a man, who always wore a white coat, funny tie and brightly colored tennis shoes. He had a gentle manner and a wicked sense of humor that delighted his small patients and disarmed their nervous parents. “Mac? Mac, I wondered how…” he turned around to find Mac glaring with arms akimbo. He immediately began to back pedal trying to figure out what he’d done or more likely forgotten to do. Searching his faculties and coming up empty, he decided the husband-defense of ‘apologize first determine offense later’ was his best defense. “Mac, I don’t know what I did…but whatever it was I’m sorry.” As Mac continued to glare he grew more nervous, “Look sweetheart, you knew I couldn’t make Sophie’s appointment, I had a meeting with the SecNav…and…and I took out the garbage this morning.” Mac started to advance on his location with an increasingly menacing look, “Ah, did I miss a lunch date?” Mac shook her head and raised a brow. He cocked his head, squinted his eyes and squeaked, “Ah…ah…I give up…did I forget to put down the toilet seat?”

“Harm!” He gulped as Mac moved into his personal space, and in true marine drill sergeant voice demanded, “What do you call that…that…” the effect was lost when the side of her mouth quirked up in a half grin.

Harm smiled and pulled her in close, “Call what Mac?”

“…that kiss!…a hit and run…I know you can do better that!” she smirked.

“Yes ma’am,” he agreed and then proceeded to demonstrate. Ending the kiss, but keeping her close he tried again. “So, how WAS Sophie’s check-up? Any word on when we can get rid of the oxygen?”

“Dr. Matthewson thinks she looks great. She’s gained 4 pounds since her last visit and is now up to the 50th percentile on the growth curve. Of course, her length is over the 75th percentile. He wanted to know where she gets her height, but I told him with a father who’s 6-4 and a mother that’s 5-9, she doesn’t have a prayer of a chance of being short.”

“No, I guess not,” chuckled Harm. “How about the oxygen…can we get rid of it soon? It’s not that I mind…I mean if she needs it…but it’s such a pain in the neck to lug around…and once she starts crawling….”

Mac laughed, “Harm relax…Dr. Matthewson is scheduling Sophie for a sleep study next week. He thinks we should be able to get rid of the oxygen then, but he does want to keep her on the monitor for another month or two.”

“That’s great…” he cocked his head to study Mac more closely. “Hey, you cut your hair…that’s new, right?” he puzzled. “I mean you did it today…I didn’t miss anything?” he started to panic.

“You can relax, Sailor…yes, I cut it today. With Sophie taking so much extra time, I just figured things would be quicker…easier with short hair,” she reasoned. “Why? You don’t like it?”

Harm grinned, “I love it, Mac. I always liked you best with short hair.”

“Really? I thought guys liked long hair best,” she mused running her fingers through her locks.

“Mac, you look great no matter how you wear it, but given a choice I like it short. Isn’t this how you wore it a few years back…you know when we were in Afghanistan…getting thrown from jeeps…cuddling under the stairs,” he waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Mac laughed, “Yes, this is how I wore it back then…but I didn’t think you ever noticed…and you’re the only one who got thrown from a jeep.” She poked at his chest with her index finger.

“Sweetheart, I noticed EVERYTHING about you back then…and one of the best things about your new hair style…” he began nuzzling her neck, “…it exposes one of my favorite spots.”

“Oh yeah, and what would that be?”

“Allow me demonstrate,” he grinned wickedly and began kissing and nibbling up her neck. “How about right here,” he whispered into her ear and felt her shiver in response. At that moment Sophie began to cry. “I swear that daughter of yours has the worst timing,” he grumped resting his forehead against hers.

“How come she’s your daughter when she good, but my daughter when she ornery,” Mac smirked.

“Because that’s just the way it is,” he grinned and gave her a quick peck on the lips. “I’ll go get her,” he turned to head to the nursery. “Besides, I got her a 6-month birthday present,” he held up the gift bag.

“Harm, most people don’t celebrate 6-month birthdays. You’re spoiling her,” Mac threw back.

He paused at the door, “I saw it in a store window when I was out for lunch and knew she needed it.” He pulled out a large green frog dressed in medieval attire with a cape and a crown affixed to his head. At Mac’s questioning gaze, he explained, “Every princess needs a prince!”

He hurried into the nursery and picked up his crying daughter, “Hey princess what’s all this noise about?” Sophie quieted immediately at her daddy’s touch. “Daddy got you a surprise today for your good check-up.” Her eyes grew wide at the sight of the frog. “Daddy’s princess needs a frog prince, no matter what Mommy thinks.” She smiled at her daddy’s sing-songy voice.
“You know between you and me, your timing stinks young lady,” he sneered back in an authoritative voice. Sophie giggled at her Daddy’s attempts to be strict. “Alright,” he laughed, “ but don’t tell Mommy that Daddy’s a push-over…and if you ever want any brothers or sisters you’re going to have to share me with Mommy.” At that remark, she began to screw up her face to cry.

“Hey Hey none of that now…I see how this works, you just don’t like to share,” he cooed back. “How about we dance to our favorite song instead.” He hit track #3 on the CD player and began to sing along while twirling Sophie around the room.

Baby, I am here
Baby, I am here

Never thought that in a million years,
Never thought that you would come to me.
You’re the answer to a million prayers;
You’re the apple of my eye;
I can hear you breathing next to me;
Just how lucky can one person be?
I am looking at a mystery;
Everything I dreamed; more than I could wish for

He hummed through the chorus, softening his voice, as Sophie snuggled in close and rubbed her face against his neck.

Baby, you’re my little ray of light
I could find you in the darkest night
If you cry I will hold you tight
Never letting go
I would do that for you

As he closed his eyes and continued to sing swaying gently to the music, Mac slipped into the door unawares. Leaning against the doorframe, she took in the scene before her. She watched as the two people she loved most in the world danced to lullabies, their joined bodies casting shadows in the soft evening light. She marveled that she could be this happy, that after a lifetime of doubt in her self-worth, she deserved to be this happy. She closed her eyes and in her mind joined in the dance as Harm continued to serenade.

Starlight, Starbright all day, all night
I will be right next to you, here forever
I will never leave you
I will never leave you

Baby I am hereBaby I am here

She looked up from her trance as Harm spoke. “Hey sweetheart, are you OK? Where were you…you looked a million miles away?”

She sighed contently, “Yeah, just enjoying the picture that you paint with our daughter.” She walked over to the pair leaning her head against his shoulder and kissed Sophie’s soft baby head while rubbing her back. “Is she out?”

“Yeah, she conked out mid way through the second verse.” He tenderly kissed Mac on the forehead then started toward the crib. “Let me put her down and then we can get started on dinner.” He gently laid Sophie into her crib and placed a kiss on her cheek, then stepped back to pull Mac in close. They stood bathed in the moonlight watching their daughter sleep. He looked around the room then squeezed Mac to get her attention. “Mac, this room really turned out magical. The murals are amazing.” It had taken them 2 months to finish the room after Sophie came home. They’d both decided they didn’t want to tempt fate again, so they agreed to wait until they knew for sure that Sophie was going to be OK. Not wishing to risk disappointment, that meant waiting until her discharge. Once they began the project in earnest again, Mac decided that all four walls of Sophie’s nursery should have a mural, that way their daughter would have a fanciful view from anywhere in the room.

“We both created the room, Harm. We wanted Sophie to have a place to dream…her very own fairytale land,” she whispered.

“I know we both worked on the room, but Mac the paintings are unbelievable. How come I didn’t know you could paint?”

“I can do a lot of things you don’t know about,” she playfully bumped his nose with hers. “You know when I was little I never thought fairytales could come true. I had to wait until I found you to believe in gallant knights and kind princes,” she caressed his cheek. “I want Sophie to always believe that her life can be wonderful and magical, that she can be anything she wants, that she deserve happiness and love.”

“You did too Mac, no matter what your parents may have said to the contrary,” he kissed her once, twice and a third time before taking her hand and leading her down the stairs.

Once they neared the kitchen he noticed an enticing aroma, “Something smells great Mac. What’s for dinner anyways?”

“Well, what did you want for dinner?” she smiled back.

He backed her into the counter and leered, “I thought I had started on what I wanted for dinner before Miss Sophie interrupted.” He once again began nibbling on her neck. Mac for her part began to wiggle in his embrace pulling at his shirt. “Mac what are you doing?” he asked amused.
“Skin, I need skin,” she finally worked her hands under his shirt and onto his back. She then snuggled close and contentedly sighed. He was just about to return the favor when the phone rang. “Don’t answer and maybe they’ll go away,” she mumbled into his chest.

Neither moved from their warm cocoon until the answering machine kicked on, “Sir this is Bud. If you’re there I need the witness statements for the upcoming Husanni trial…the SecNav’s breathing down my throat…and ah…I think you took the statements home with you after our meeting this afternoon. Sir, if you’re there could you pick up…it’s really important…OK look…” Bud continued to ramble on.

“You better get that Flyboy before Bud erupts and losses it,” Mac laughed smacking at his chest. “I need to get dinner out of the oven anyway.”

Harm sighed and began to pull away. “Sure…you know he’s the only one with worse timing than Sophie,” he huffed in frustration as he grabbed for the phone. “Bud hang on…I’m here….”

***

The dream jumped forward 2 months, Harm was settled back in bed reading legal briefs when Mac entered the room and collapsed onto the bed with an exhausted sigh. “That daughter of yours wears me out, Sailor.

“Oh, she’s my daughter now, huh?” Harm chuckled as he tossed the briefs on the bedside table and pulled her close. “What’d she do now?”

“Ran amuck in the restaurant when Harriet and I were out to lunch!” she laid her head on his chest.

“Mac, she’s only 8 months old…how amuck can she get?” he laughed as he began running his fingers through her hair.

“Try screaming at the top of her lungs, she even got the twins and Hailey going…can you believe Bud and Harriet had a fifth kid…I mean I’m ready to loose my mind with one!”

Harm chuckled agreement, “Yeah I thought they were done after the twins…what was it the Admiral said, ‘don’t you two ever sleep?’ At least Hailey and Sophie are close to the same age, they can grow up together.”

“Harm, even if we didn’t just sleep, I’m too tired to even contemplate more kids right now,” she replied in a drowsy voice.

He stared at her with concern, “Even if Sophie was a terror today, you’re not usually this exhausted what else happened today? I thought you had a day off?”

“Yeah from work, but sometimes the chores at home are worse. I think I would have had an easier day in court keeping lawyers like you under control,” she whined.
“Mac, what else happened? I know Sophie had a doctor’s appointment. Did everything go OK?”

“Mmmm, everything was fine. He wants to keep her on the breathing treatments since she wheezed with the last cold. He thinks she’s probably going to have asthma from her chronic lung problems.”

“Yeah, Dr. Williams warned us about that. Everything else was OK though, right?”

She sat back up in bed and frowned, “Yeah, but with having to do breathing treatment 3-4 times a day, plus pumping then feeding her, it just takes a lot of time. It doesn’t leave much time to get anything else done,” she tensed, starting to get upset.

“You know Mac, Dr. Matthewson said Sophie would do fine on formula,” he pulled her back and began massaging her neck and shoulders. “Especially since we don’t have to add all the extra stuff to boost the calories. You could stop pumping and it wouldn’t stress you out so much.”

“I know, but I promised I would do it for the first year just like breast feeding. It’s better for her and besides…”

“Besides what Mac…It’s not better for Sophie if you’re exhausted,” he said as he concentrated on working on a particularly tight knot behind her right shoulder.

“Harm, it’s just that…” she sighed, “…I don’t know how to explain it to you. Nothing about Sophie’s pregnancy, delivery or first year was anything like I planned. Don’t get me wrong, I love her and wouldn’t give her away for anything in the world, even if I had to go through it all again…but that doesn’t mean that I don’t wish I could have enjoyed my pregnancy more, had a normal delivery and all those other things that mothers like Harriet get to enjoy. Do you understand what I mean?” she turned away as her eyes filled with tears.

“Hey, it’s OK…I do understand,” he pulled her back down into his arms. “I would have liked all those things too. Remember, Dr. Williams said it was normal to feel this way. It’s like you grieve the loss of what your dreams had been…it doesn’t mean we love Sophie any less. I understand if you want to continue pumping because in some small way that was part of that lost dream, and I love that you want to do that for Sophie…but if you’re tired and want to stop I’ll support that decision too.”

“Thanks…” she sniffed “…but that was part of the problem today.”

He shook his head, “I don’t understand…did I miss something?”

“Yeah, your daughter pitching a fit,” she laughed. “I had forgotten her bottle. You know, if she’d eat any other kinds of baby foods it would be a lot easier. Anyway, she was raising the roof tops exercising her lungs…and the doctor thinks her lungs ARE a problem,” she chuckled. “I tried everything to calm her down, pacifier, toys, singing, even some of the baby food and formula that Harriet had with her and NOTHING worked. I even resorted to trying to breastfeed her directly; she screamed louder and then BIT me with those cute little RAZOR SHARP teeth she cut last week. I was ready to walk out of the restaurant when she grabbed the spoon out of my soup. Next thing I know she’s enthralled with the funny shaped chinese spoon and sucking down egg drop soup. I tell you, she’s your daughter how else do you explain her weird eating habits, Sailor…I don’t know too many 8-month olds that eat egg drop soup!”

Harm was howling by the end of the story, “I still don’t understand what that has to do with you continuing to pump?”

“She won’t take anything but breast milk…trust me, I tried the formula, boy did I try…I was wearing it!” Mac started to settle into the bed and nod off when an ear piercing alarm ripped through the air. “What the heck…” she started to jump from the bed, “…her monitor hasn’t gone off in weeks.”

Harm was already halfway out the door. “Stay there, I’ll get it!” he screamed back, flying into Sophie’s room. He hit the light switch inside the door and stopped short as he found his daughter giggling with the monitor leads unplugged and in her hand. He ran his hand over his face to catch his breath, “You little monster…you did that on purpose just to give Daddy a heart attack didn’t you,” he gasped out of breath.

“Dada,” Sophie giggled back.

“Yeah, I’m Dada and it’s night-nighttime young lady.” He plugged the leads back into the monitor and laid Sophie back down patting her bottom to soothe her back to sleep. The minute he turned to leave the nursery, the monitor blared loudly again. He turned back to find Sophie giggling with the end of the leads in her hands. “Alright, princess clearly this is one of your new tricks, but Mommy’s already exhausted from your antics earlier today. What’s say we take this downstairs so Mommy can get some sleep.” He turned off the monitor and lifted Sophie out of the crib and into his arms. Heading past the master bedroom, he peeked his head inside. “Hey Mac, everything’s fine, our daughter just learned a new trick…an irritating new trick,” he rolled his eyes. “We’re going to go downstairs and listen to some music. Why don’t you get some sleep.” Mac waved back and snuggled into the pillows already half asleep.

Entering the kitchen, he grabbed a bottle from the fridge and popped it into the bottle warmer. He then turned on the CD player and started Sophie’s favorite lullaby CD. Grabbing the bottle, he settled them into a chair. He presented the bottle to her like an expensive bottle of wine and raising his brows commented with a stuffy exaggerated accent, “Madam I present for your enjoyment, our best vintage stock. I understand this is your favorite maternal variety and the ONLY ONE that meets with your approval. I hope you enjoy.” Sophie giggled in response but quickly got down to the business of draining the bottle with gusto.

Once the midnight feeding was completed, Sophie and Daddy began their nightly after-dinner dance. She giggled and jabbered as Daddy sang the lyrics.
The moment I saw you I wanted to hold you
And keep you warm on a cold grey morn.
The moment I held you I wanted to kiss you
And welcome you here on the day you were born.

He hummed through the refrain, and by the time he started the second time through Sophie was yawning and nuzzling her face into his neck.

The moment I saw you I wanted to hold you
And keep you warm on a cold grey morn.
The moment I held you I wanted to kiss you
And welcome you here on the day you were born.

He continued singing until she was asleep, then dimmed the lights and headed back upstairs. He placed her into her crib, reconnected the monitor and gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek before heading back to the master suite and falling into bed exhausted. Sophie for her part demonstrated her new trick 3 more times that night. The following day a quick call was placed to the pediatrician who wholeheartedly agreed that Miss Sophie no longer needed her monitor.

***

Harm’s dream morphed into birthday cake, candles and balloons…Sophie dressed up eating cake and enjoying the brightly colored wrapping paper instead of the gifts. She was happy and healthy and as normal as a one-year could be. The following morning, Mac awoke to an empty and very quiet house. She was surprised to learn that her husband had arranged for Grandma Trish and Grandpa Frank to take Sophie for the weekend. Since their first anniversary had been spent in the hospital, Harm had much more romantic ideas for ways to spend the second.

Harm began to smile in his sleep, savoring their romantic exploits when a ringing phone jostled him from his enjoyable dream. He jumped from the rocking chair dropping the stuffed bunny rabbit on the way. He hurried to the phone thinking that the hospital might be calling with news. He grabbed the portable headset still shaking his head out of a sleepy fog, “Rabb residence.”

“Harm, it’s Harriet. I tried your cell phone, but you didn’t answer.” He rapidly searched the bedroom for the lost object and then remembered leaving it in the kitchen.

“I’m sorry Harriet I left the cell phone downstairs,” he trudged into kitchen locating the phone. He paged through the missed phone calls and was relieved to find none from the hospital.

“Harm…Harm…are you still there?” Harriet questioned.

“Ah sorry, I was just checking the missed messages. What can I do for you?”

“I was just calling to check on Mac and Sophie…are you sure you’re OK…you sound kinda strange.”
“Yeah…” he ran a hand over his face and grabbed a mug for coffee, “…I sat down for a minute and fell asleep.”

“Oh Harm, I’m sorry I woke you. You probably had a long night…do you want me to call back later?”

“No, that’s OK Harriet, I need to get back to the hospital. It’s a good thing you woke me…I didn’t mean to fall asleep…and I was having the weirdest dream.”

“Oh yeah,” Harriet laughed. “What about?”

“I can’t remember…that’s been happening a lot lately.” He took a big gulp of the bitter coffee and grimaced. “Look I really need to go. Mac is doing better, she woke up this morning and they’re hoping to move her out of ICU later today. Sophie’s still critical but has shown some improvement; it’s still to early to tell…” his voice cracked. “I gotta go.”

“Ok Harm, Bud and I will be up later. Give Sophie and Mac our love. You’re in our prayers. I guess this isn’t the best way to spend your first anniversary, huh.”

“Wait a minute, what did you say?”

“About being in our prayers?” asked Harriet.

“No, after that…our anniversary? Good grief I completely forgot,” he moaned.

“Harm, it OK…you guys have been through a lot in the last few weeks. Mac’s not going to fault you for forgetting.”

“You don’t understand…it’s our first…you don’t forget your first!” he exclaimed. “Look I really gotta run…I’ll see you guys later.” He disconnected the phone and ran back upstairs to the bedroom to grab Mac’s tote. He was halfway down the stairs before he remembered the stuffed bunny for Sophie. He ran back to the nursery retrieved the stuffed toy and then paused staring at the rocking chair. He just wished he could remember the dream…something about it seemed important. He shook himself from his musing and ran back downstairs. Grabbing the travel mug full of coffee sludge, he headed for the car. He was a man on a mission.



AN: Both songs included in this chapter come from the CD, Sleep, Baby, Sleep by Nicolette Larson. The first song, “Starlight, Starbright” was written and recorded by Nicolette Larson. The second song, “The Moment I Saw You” was written by Graham Nash, and performed by Nicolette Larson and Graham Nash. Nicolette Larson wrote and recorded this CD after her daughter was hospitalized in a NICU; she noted that she couldn’t find any music that was “quiet and peaceful.” I love this CD and have made sure that each of my NICUs have a copy of it, to utilize as a drug-free way to soothe babies. If you ever want to give a ‘unique’ baby gift, I highly recommend this as a choice.

WARNING: DO NOT FEED BABIES THIS AGE EGGS!!!! Eggs given at a young age can cause an allergy due to early sensitization to the egg proteins. I included this story because my niece did this. She was a 27-week preemie, who went home on oxygen, a monitor, G-tube feedings and multiple meds. She had such severe oral aversion; she wouldn’t allow anything near her mouth. The first thing she ate by mouth was Egg Drop Soup. We were at a Chinese restaurant and she was so enamored with the funny spoon that she ate the soup—that was just the beginning of her funny eating habits and food preferences.